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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like every question is more like an allegation?

31 replies

N27 · 17/07/2025 10:12

I need to sense check this as it’s one of those things that has been bubbling away in my head all morning and is driving me mad.

Pretty much EVERY question posed by my DH, no more how simple, is to my mind posed as more of an allegation than a question. For example:

Q- Have we not got any butter?
Acceptable alternative would be “Have we got any more butter?” (Or using your eyes and opening the fridge you are stood next to)

Q- Have I not got any tea?

Q- Have you not put any washing in?

Q- Have you not picked the prescription up?

Q - Have you not replied to that letter?

You get the point. I am 100% sure he’s not intending to be sarcastic or unkind in any way but to me the inclusion of the word “not” just turns it into a criticism/allegation rather than a genuine and innocent enquiry.

Happy to be told if I am being over sensitive and should just suck it up!

OP posts:
ArabiattaPrawn · 17/07/2025 10:14

YANBU. Saying "have you not" is saying you have forgotten to do something and it sounds arsey. All of those things are also things he could do himself.

BerolDryWipe · 17/07/2025 10:14

I get exactly what you mean, I feel this way with my partner, but our relationship is over as I have checked out.

If your relationship is good, then maybe you are being sensitive, but for me it's because I no longer like my partner and everything out of his mouth annoys me 🙄

Nikki75 · 17/07/2025 10:17

Is he saying it this way having known already there is no butter or washing done at that moment .
If so I'd tell him to change his tone or else.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 17/07/2025 10:17

I'd guess the only way to counter it is to turn it round onto him...?

'Have we not got any butter?' - I don't know, have you bought any?
'Where's my tea?' - I don't remember you saying you wanted any.
'Have you not put any washing in?' - No, I haven't, have YOU?

Etc.

Lafufufu · 17/07/2025 10:19

I would repeat it back to him. Every time.

... Have we got any butter?

Q- Have you not got any tea?

Q- Have you not put any washing in?

Q- Have you not picked the prescription up?

Q - Have you not replied to that letter?

Gotta fight fire with fire 🔥

MiloMinderbinder925 · 17/07/2025 10:19

It could be dialect because I don't talk like that and don't know anyone who does. Sounds like you've got a parent/child relationship which is very unsexy.

Meadowfinch · 17/07/2025 10:21

The correct answers to those questions are

"I don't know. Have you not made us anything?"

And "No, I left that for you to do."

Laiste · 17/07/2025 10:21

I agree with you - with these examples he is not asking 'if', he's asking why you haven't ....

Agree with PP - turn it round. Answer his question with one of your own. Have YOU bought butter? Have YOUdone the laundry?

DorisTheFinkasaurus · 17/07/2025 10:22

It’s controlling using a passive voice. Why doesn’t he get the prescription or put the washing on or use his eyes and common sense to assess the butter situation then resolve its absence in the fridge by shifting his backside to the shop to buy more? He has eyes, legs, and at least half a brain. Or am I being presumptuous?
Sorry. Two divorces under my belt and no tolerance for husbands and their need to be man about the house (especially the sotto voce man about the house who exerts control oh so quietly). He wants a slap, OP.

Original poster
N27 · 17/07/2025 10:23

Nikki75 · 17/07/2025 10:17

Is he saying it this way having known already there is no butter or washing done at that moment .
If so I'd tell him to change his tone or else.

This is the thing - I buy in bulk so there is usually 5 or 6 packs of butter in the fridge and he knows this!

OP posts:
Laiste · 17/07/2025 10:23

I wouldn't even say 'i left that for you to do'.

It implies it was your job and that you've delegated it without saying something !
<nit picking>

twistyizzy · 17/07/2025 10:25

Urgh my DH does this so I just ask him the same Q back. Every time.
I'm peri too so can't be arsed with taking that shit.

Original poster
N27 · 17/07/2025 10:28

DorisTheFinkasaurus · 17/07/2025 10:22

It’s controlling using a passive voice. Why doesn’t he get the prescription or put the washing on or use his eyes and common sense to assess the butter situation then resolve its absence in the fridge by shifting his backside to the shop to buy more? He has eyes, legs, and at least half a brain. Or am I being presumptuous?
Sorry. Two divorces under my belt and no tolerance for husbands and their need to be man about the house (especially the sotto voce man about the house who exerts control oh so quietly). He wants a slap, OP.

I have one divorce and trying to avoid a second but by god he makes it hard sometimes 😂

Honestly it’s so mismatched with his personality it makes me question my own sanity. He does loads around the house and with the kids. If I make a passing comment about being out of milk he’d be the first to jump in the car and go get some so I honestly don’t know why he phrases it that way 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
Barneysmomma · 17/07/2025 10:30

Is he from Lancashire by any chance? My housemate at uni has this turn of phrase & is from Clitheroe.

Isittimeformynapyet · 17/07/2025 10:31

I'd hate this too. Just talk to him about it. If you're right and he doesn't do it intentionally he might stop if you explain it to him. It's worth a try.

TheSandgroper · 17/07/2025 10:40

It sounds very Irish. Gaelic is a bit like German, I’m told, in that the subject and the verb are placed differently to English.

Original poster
N27 · 17/07/2025 10:44

Barneysmomma · 17/07/2025 10:30

Is he from Lancashire by any chance? My housemate at uni has this turn of phrase & is from Clitheroe.

Nope we are in Yorkshire

OP posts:
5128gap · 17/07/2025 11:04

No, you're right. The 'not' stops it being a genuine question and turns it into a rhetorical one. He says 'not' because he already knows or thinks he knows its a negative. So I'd be telling him to please stop asking questions that aren't questions. Either ask 'have we any butter?' If he doesn't know. Or if he knows you haven't at least have the courage to ask 'why have we not got any butter?' so you can explain that you are one of two equal adults in the home who both have the means and opportunity to check on household stock of dairy products, and replenish as required.

DaisyChain505 · 17/07/2025 11:06

Return every question to you with a question to him.

“Have you not pushing any washing on”
“DH, no I haven’t, have you put any washing on?”

”Do we not have any more butter?”
”I don’t know DH, did you not put it on the list if you saw it was running low?”

You are not responsible for everything in the household. He’s a grown ass man and is more than capable of giving his equal contribution.

DashboardConfession · 17/07/2025 11:16

Where in Yorkshire? I'm from just over the Pennines and we say "Have you not" all the time. It's very context-dependent and clearly you know he means it pass-agg. I will say "Have you not done a wash?" if I get home and DH said he would but hasn't, but I'll also say "Have you not been to Spain?" etc.

AncientBallerina · 17/07/2025 11:36

Agree it could be a dialect thing. As PP mentioned it’s something Irish people would say - could he have picked it up from someone in his family/ a friend/ housemate?

Nikki75 · 17/07/2025 21:18

I would say something like is everything ok because your tone of voice says it isnt and its bothering me how your speaking to me .

T00ManyBooks · 17/07/2025 21:22

I’m guessing this is a recent thing and not dialect, as you would have noticed it before? It would annoy the shit out of me honestly

malmi · 17/07/2025 21:25

I’d just reply “yes”. It can mean either answer when the question is phrased negatively. I.e. “Yes, we don’t have any butter” or “Yes we do have butter”. Eventually he will learn to ask positively which then sounds less like an accusation.

Dontlletmedownbruce · 17/07/2025 21:33

Dh went through a phase of this, not that turn of phrase but asking if we had butter/ cheese instead of checking. Or asking 'where do we keep the...' instead of looking. After I started to see a pattern I used to shrug or say 'why don't you check if you aren't sure?' It started to get on my nerves so when we was just sitting down relaxing I'd say 'why don't you go familiarise yourself with the cupboards now, you seem to have trouble finding things..' I did this a few times and he stopped asking! Or if he did it was reasonable like 'sorry I can't find the ketchup anywhere, would you know if we have it.' Which I have no problem with.