To feel like every question is more like an allegation?

[N27]

I need to sense check this as it’s one of those things that has been bubbling away in my head all morning and is driving me mad.

Pretty much EVERY question posed by my DH, no more how simple, is to my mind posed as more of an allegation than a question. For example:

Q- Have we not got any butter?
Acceptable alternative would be “Have we got any more butter?” (Or using your eyes and opening the fridge you are stood next to)

Q- Have I not got any tea?

Q- Have you not put any washing in?

Q- Have you not picked the prescription up?

Q - Have you not replied to that letter?

You get the point. I am 100% sure he’s not intending to be sarcastic or unkind in any way but to me the inclusion of the word “not” just turns it into a criticism/allegation rather than a genuine and innocent enquiry.

Happy to be told if I am being over sensitive and should just suck it up!

A lot of it can be perception of a person. On Mumsnet, all men are manipulative bastards, even our loving partners, so confirmation bias comes in. There were certain ways my DP had of asking questions, said in a brusque tone, which I firmly vetoed:

• Sticking “or not?” on the end of every “have you done” question. It sounds slightly aggressive to me.
• “Have you laid the table yet?” When he hadn’t asked me to.
• ”I should have made you buy milk.” Nobody makes me do anything. I don’t mind being asked to do things.

Actually, the worst culprit for “interrogation” and loaded questions is my mum, whom I love dearly. She doesn’t say “tell me about your trip away”; instead, she quizzes me on (for example) highly obscure details on the history of where I went which I couldn’t possibly know without looking up. She’ll also say (after the trip) “you did remember to get a visa before going, didn’t you?” What can I say to that but yes?

How tiresome. I would just answer No to all these questions.
I got fed up of being asked where stuff was and now mainly answer " i don't know, have you checked in the garage" to everything.
Get asked far less now. My brain is not your tool. Go find if yourself. 🤨

Dh is similar (not exact wording but the implication is it’s my issue)
I now put things back to him-

is there any butter?
did you check the fridge

we need to do washing (we always = me)
do you want to grab the basket it’s upstairs just stick it on a 40

or I just ignore -

Those shelf’s need a clean
yes they do (nothing more happens)!

Oh God, I identify. I've really started taking issue with it recently though. DH, the other night when I'm going out for dinner with friends (first time in ages) he asks when dinner will be ready. I said, 'when you make it', and carried on typing my email. He was like, 'oh'. And then went to make his dinner. Slow hand clap.

Just speak to him about it to gauge if he is being arsey or not. Some people just speak like that all the time with no malice but others do it as a passive aggressive thing. From there you can decide what works for you, like him asking in a different way, him not asking and just sorting it himself, just ignoring him etc

Could just be dialectal. I phrase things like this sometimes (Irish) although not usually in the type of example you mention because, you’re right, it can come across as accusatory.