Alcoholic brother- difficult situation

[boccaallupo]

My brother is an alcoholic and still lives with my very long suffering mother who is at the end of her rope. He’s recently been detoxed in hospital, yet again, but my mother overheard him have a conversation with my uncle (fraternal) about going out with him this weekend. My uncle goes out every weekend and he will definitely be drinking. My mother now wants me to call my uncle to tell him to cancel. I told my mother I’m really not comfortable doing this and it would be an awkward conversation for me to have. She became quite angry at my unwillingness. I’m so done with the whole situation having dealt with his and my father’s addiction all my life- I find it hopeless and infuriating. I can’t help feeling there will be negative fallout from a phone call. Do I just suck up the awkwardness for my mother’s sake?

Absolutely not.

Like all addicts, alcoholics try to get everyone around them to adapt to enable their addiction. Sadly your mother is now displaying the same tendancies (tho not the addiction, obviously) by trying to control your uncle's behaviour and trying to get you to do the same. This only enables your brother further, as everyone is working hard to prevent him from doing something he does not want to be prevented from doing.
Your mother needs some form boundaries in place. But the fact she doesn't have them does not mean you don't need them. You do, both towards your brother and your mother.

Why can't your mother speak to your uncle?

Tbh he should realise the seriousness and not be encouraging your brother. That's not going to help after detox is it!

Sympathy to you for having pressure put on you.

Is the Uncle her brother? Does he not know the situation? Can’t she call him? I mean would he even cancel if you asked? I’m not sure why it’s that awkward given he’s been in detox. Surely your Uncle would understand?

He’s my late father’s brother and knows the situation. My mother says she’s too angry with him to speak to him directly and she’d say something terrible. I’m not sure of the details of how the arrangement to go out came about- whether my uncle invited him or if it’s just the case that my brother knows he will definitely be out and has decided to go along. I agree that my uncle should have handled the situation better and told a white lie about his plans

I know you said the uncle knows the situation but does he specifically know the danger of someone drinking after detox?

Why are you all wanting to speak to your Uncle and not your brother? Alcohol isn't only available in the pub. Even if your Uncle drops him, he can still drink. Start holding the person who has the problem, responsible and accountable.

My MIL was an alcoholic..When we visited there was never enough food because she had no jntetedt on food but she would get the wine glasses out and manoeuvre us all into drinking almost before we'd got through the door. I hated going there.. She'd get passed and start arguing with my husband ..It was horrible.

Gosh, no leave your mother to manage her own co-dependency. I have more experience of alcoholism than I would like & getting involved in monitoring someone else’s drinking even after detox is a game you can’t win. Your brother will be aware of the risks & is clearly not ready to work on recovery yet. Sadly.

I have experience of someone close to me drinking after detox There wasn’t really anything anyone could do until he was unwell enough to go back into hospital.

To echo everyone else, please dont get drawn in OP.
Would your mother be open to counselling?
Could you refuse to discuss it with her unless she agrees to get some form of help?

My uncle knows all the risks- I’ve lost count of the number of medical detoxes my brother has had, including one extended rehab stay. I don’t actually think he’ll drink when he goes out- he usually lasts a few months after a detox before succumbing again- but he’ll be in a pub and there’s a strong possibility he will drink non alcoholic beer which is the start of the slippery slope. I agree my mother needs counselling- she sounds depressed and emotionally burnt out. I have told her previously to do it but she didn’t follow up on it. She’s incredibly private and feels very embarrassed by the situation. She’s also deeply traumatized by a life changing, near fatal accident (alcohol related) my brother had a few years ago which resulted in him being in intensive care for weeks- it was a devastating time. Even to this day, she has a trauma response every time she hears her mobile phone ring. She can’t talk to my brother about her concerns about going out because he flies off the handle. I feel so bad for her because she feels unable to make any plans with her friends who are enjoying retirement and my lovely, lovely stepfather died a few years ago so it’s just her and my brother in the house. It’s a real mess.

Good morning OP.
Your brother should be in AA every day.
If he continues to drink he will kill himself.
I know I've been there.

You can't just dry out. You need constant support and alcoholics are deceitful and lie. They will need to be accountable every day. Men do much better at AA as it is buddy system. Ignore the high power thing if you like but your brother needs to stop protending he's cured, alcoholics never are.
Your uncle shouldn't be taking him to a pub. Ring him up and be firm.
They are wasting NHS money if no one is taking this seriously.
I lost my brother at 54. He left three heartbroken girls.

She's choosing to live with an alcohol addict, she will have to deal with the consequences of that herself. You can't fix what she has chosen to do to herself, or the choices your alcoholic brother makes. But you can protect yourself.

I really feel for you poor mum in this.

I guess she is pretty desperate to ask to call your unce but no matter how many phone calls she makes the chances are your brot@her will start drinking again.

She must be so worried about him but equally utterly helpless.

I guess all you can do is try and find her counselling/support and try and help her distance herself from your brother.

Your poor Mum! I don't think you should get involved btw, and it is your mother's choice to remain enmeshed in this situation, but I guess to her the alternative seems unimaginable. I feel so sorry for your whole family. Not helpful, just wanted to say it.

Such good advice.

You can’t save your mum or your brother from this illness.

I can’t get the link to work here but google AA GB meeting finder. If the meeting is ‘open’
that means you or your mum could go with him if you like, ‘closed’ is for those with a drinking problem. imo it’s better for him to go alone.

AA isn’t the only way but it’s free, available 24 hrs with most towns having daily in-person meetings, and full of people who’ve been where your brother is now and who frankly are in a much better position to help than you and and your poor mother.

All the best to you.

You need to do whatever it takes to get him out of her house. Even if that means moving her in with you for a while. He's going to land her in hospital.

Your mums unreasonable your brothers not your responsibility OP. If he wants to self destruct- he should be left to do that but he should move out of your mum’s house

Calling your uncle would be pointless, if your brother wants to drink, he will do it regardless of the company he is in. You need to access some support for the families of alcoholics. Your family dynamic is typical for the family of an alcoholic and you need help to extract yourself from it.

I was your mum. Please stay out of it OP. I know you love your mum and brother but honestly, you are powerless. Let them take responsibility for their own actions, I wish I had. Have you been in touch with Alanon, for families of alcoholics?

It doesn't sound like your brother really wants to stop after numerous detoxes, he has to be determined.

I remember going to the GP with a relative for medical assistance with detox, GP asked if they really wanted to stop and they very hesitantly said yes but didn't sound at all convincing. My heart sank and GP sighed. Tricky situation to be in if your mother is traumatised by it all.

It's best to agree as a family that no pubs as that's quite a strong trigger and like pp say he needs constant support to make a successful change whatever that may be like AA, SMART, local support services etc.

Is your uncle an alcoholic also?

Thanks everyone- and sorry to hear about other lives impacted by addiction. I honestly thought I’d receive a swathe of messages telling me to shape up and support my mum with her request but it seems my instinctive reaction to stay out of it is correct. My brother has longstanding involvement from regional addiction services but obviously to no avail. I’m pretty sure he has tried AA but hated the religious aspect. I have extracted myself as much as possible from the situation for self preservation but obviously I hear about it from my mum when she needs to offload or it reaches crisis point. I agree he needs to move out - he has enough money in trust (thankfully) from an inheritance to buy a flat or small house. He’s never had any responsibility in his life for anything-job, bills, car, housework etc- my mother micromanages everything for him. He needs a big dose of reality in my opinion but he’s truly a lost soul in life. My mother would love for him to move out and live independently so she can get on with focusing on herself and her life but she’s equally terrified at what consequences that might bring. With regards to my uncle, my mum says he gets drunk when he goes out at the weekend but I’m not sure about the rest of the time.

Does your brother have friends/interest in a partner?

Seems a shame he could have a nice life and buy somewhere and be self sufficient. But yes too much pressure on you, if you need to protect yourself take a step back.

What a sad situation.
I would make the call.

Everyone's got their own problems though and other people's can be overwhelming at times.

My relative can be nasty and aggressive towards me so I'm taking a break as well! Added complication of crack.