Alcoholic brother- difficult situation

[boccaallupo]

My brother is an alcoholic and still lives with my very long suffering mother who is at the end of her rope. He’s recently been detoxed in hospital, yet again, but my mother overheard him have a conversation with my uncle (fraternal) about going out with him this weekend. My uncle goes out every weekend and he will definitely be drinking. My mother now wants me to call my uncle to tell him to cancel. I told my mother I’m really not comfortable doing this and it would be an awkward conversation for me to have. She became quite angry at my unwillingness. I’m so done with the whole situation having dealt with his and my father’s addiction all my life- I find it hopeless and infuriating. I can’t help feeling there will be negative fallout from a phone call. Do I just suck up the awkwardness for my mother’s sake?

So sorry you are going through this. Al Anon helped me a lot when I left my alcoholic ex DP, I would urge you to get in touch with them. They advocate letting go, stepping back and letting rhe alcoholic person deal with the consequences of their addiction. It makes sense ... you can go crazy trying to support them and can end up enabling them if they don't at heart want to stop.

I would not get drawn into this drama. Your mum us choosing to live with someone who steals her peace of mind, she can make a different choice whenever she wants to. You are not responsible for her or your brother. That is a statement about the futility of trying to help rather than lack of care. You could sacrifice everything for an alcoholic and their enablers and it would not be enough.

You might find al-anon helpful. It's a support organisation for people affected by someone else's alcoholism. Your mum might also benefit but you obviously can't make her go.

https://al-anonuk.org.uk/

AA is not religious despite use of the word god or higher power but I've heard many people who don't want recovery willfully misinterpret the spiritual nature of the 12 steps.

The interesting thing about AA is the stories.
They usually have a speaker and they tell their story. One petite lady confessed to beating up her 80 year old mother to steal her purse. I was shocked until I embarrassed myself in front of industry people. I wasn't violent but I was always angry.

There are loads of books out there but Sober Dave is great in my opinion. One for the road deals with the pub dudes.

Love is not enough in this situation. I tried to help my brother and he gave up a year before he died. It was too late he had fucked his internal organs. He died of kidney failure. Such a waste of a life.
If you can't walk away it's tough love time Not 'you drink too much' , bit of a lad, blah blah. I said to my brother 'you're killing yourself'. Hard truths. And don't drink around him, clear the house.

He has some friends from school that he sees occasionally but they all have lives with jobs and families to focus on. Amazingly, he does have a girlfriend of a few years- successful career, lovely house etc. It’s baffling to me what she gets from the relationship but it does give my mother some respite a couple of nights a week when he stays there or when they go away

I've never really understood why people drink. Stupid statement I know..I guess detoxes help them get off it and get rid of the physical pain of withdrawal. So when they go back on it I'm.guessing it's because they need to block things out emotionally??

I don’t think it’s that deep for most people who don’t have a bad relationship with alcohol.

I don’t drink in the house or by myself but I love a night out with friends. Quite simply it relaxes me and it’s fun!

There’s also SMART recovery family and friends which focus’s on you.

Dear god. Focuses.

Who are you. The spelling fairy ?

No you don't suck it up. Hold firm on telling mother no. Don't accept shit from her, she's no rights speaking to you like that. You're not her mouthpiece or her puppet. And uncle isn't under anyone else's control either. You're both adults with autonomy.

Mother's relationship with brother is her issue. If she wants him gone she can just tell him to leave and refuse to let him back in. He's not a tenant, she doesn't have to give him notice, nor is it her responsibility to ensure he has somewhere to go or wait for him to organise somewhere. He has no rights at all regards staying at the property. Assuming you're not going to drip feed it's a rental and he's got joint tenancy!

If she doesn't want him to go then she's choosing to remain in this shit show. Supporting her to do that won't help her, it's just enabling her to continue a situation that's detrimental to her. She needs to stop expecting someone else to save her or brother. Like the rest of the world, they can both only save themselves. As must you too OP. Don't get involved.

You can’t save your brother.

if your mother thinks someone should call the uncle, she can do it. If she tells and says something unpleasant, that isn’t necessarily a bad thing. People deserve to feel the anger that alcohol abuse creates.

@Daygloboo - she's the spelling fairy correcting her own spelling

The interesting thing about AA is the stories.

I mean, half of them are made up, along with time sober.

AA is mainly a social club at this point.

I couldn't comment on the truthfulness of members however I think if the OPs brother is still socialising better an AA meeting than a pub.
Some meetings are OK and others I didn't like the dynamic.

What do you mean about the dynamic. What didn't you like about it.

I was criticising myself!!! Picking up my own spelling.

Apologies. I thought you were picking holes in someone else's spelling.

The biggest help you could be to your mum is to support her to give up the fools errand of trying to control your brothers drinking and focus on the areas of life she can control. The answer isn't to enlist the help of others to keep him away from drinking, but to decide what she's going to do if he does decide to drink. This could be telling him he needs to stay in a hotel until sober so she doesn't need to be around for the consequences. It could be encouraging her to think whether she'd be more at peace if he left so he wasn't self destructing where she could see it. It could be bringing her to acceptance that he's going to continue to drink, so manage her hopes and expectations and prepare for the worst. Sadly, she may not manage any of these things and may be locked in a cycle of hope, vigilance, disappointment and despair until the end of one of their lives. All you can do in that case is give her comfort while maintaining your own boundaries.

Very sound advice !!

Just queen bee stuff.

I experienced that twice but we live in a rural area.