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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I deserve this after stupid row?

30 replies

cheesescheeses · 16/07/2025 20:15

Just had a row with my husband and I have no idea how we got to this point.

Would welcome advice on whether I am in fact being unreasonable and just can’t see it, at the moment I feel utterly confused, sad and shut down.

I started a lengthy job/chore at the beginning of May, the goal was to complete it by the end of May. There was no real time limit for it but I was quieter with work (self employed) and thought it was a good time to dedicate time to do it. Two days in my DF was diagnosed with cancer, he died towards the end of that month with his funeral later in June. I’d put the job on the back burner until after the funeral with a view to picking it up again once I’d caught up with work.

Work has suddenly been really busy and I haven’t got anywhere with it and no energy left late in the evening to start it up again. Work will go quiet again soon and I’m not worried about picking it up and finishing it when I can.

Today I needed to do something that would have been helped by having finished the job I started in May but of course I haven’t done it. DH commented that if I’d finished it then my life would be easier, all true. I replied that my DF died in the middle of it so it threw me off. This comment caused my DH to storm off and shout that it wasn’t his fault and not to blame him, I wasn’t and I don’t even know he could think it was anything to do with him.
He now won’t talk to me, said he won’t discuss it any more and that he can’t believe I blamed him.

I walk in a room, he walks out situation.

I’m questioning myself and feel like crap.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 16/07/2025 20:25

Double post, sorry.

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/07/2025 20:25

He’s a dick.

One-off or typical?

So sorry for your loss.

Rhaidimiddim · 16/07/2025 20:25

Unless this is typical behaviour for him, something else is going on.

Figcherry · 16/07/2025 20:32

My reply to your dh would be
Not everything is about you. Just grow up.

LittleMG · 16/07/2025 20:35

I’d go out and leave him to
it he sounds horrible

spoonbillstretford · 16/07/2025 20:38

So sorry for your loss. I lost my mum recently after a short illness, of course you won't be yourself. I'm mostly ok but find attempting normal tasks more difficult than usual at times, it's completely normal.

Dramatic · 16/07/2025 20:39

Is this normal behaviour from him? There's absolutely no reason why he should be treating you this way. Horrible thing to do to someone who is grieving.

Babygirlmamahere · 16/07/2025 20:40

Wow, he was being horrible. I agree with previous poster and you should go out and leave him to it.
Sorry for your loss - sending hugs your way x

Original poster
cheesescheeses · 16/07/2025 20:40

He’s been like this in the past, when DCs were small but not much since. Sometimes such nonsensical rows completely throw me and leave me questioning myself.

I feel it was an engineered row to give him the excuse to not speak to me.

I hate conflict, he knows this, he will know how dreadful I feel. Still ignoring me.

OP posts:
Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet · 16/07/2025 20:40

Ime people show their true colours around a death. What was he like? My exh nagged me to ask my aunt for fuel costs for when he gave me lifts to see dgm.
Exh.

Createausername1970 · 16/07/2025 20:41

It's a very odd response.

Does he usually respond like this?

If it's typical behaviour then it's not acceptable, but if it's out of the blue then I would be wondering if there is something else going on. Is he worrying that you might have an inherited chance of the same cancer and struggling to deal with it, or concerned he might have similar symptoms maybe.

It's all in the context.

Edited to say crossed post.

TheChosenTwo · 16/07/2025 20:42

Oh op 😔
sorry you had such a rough time of late.
Was the job not something Dh could have helped with to speed things up and/or take some pressure off you?
But no, you didn’t deserve to be spoken to like.
A one off out of the blue? Would warrant a conversation once both sides are ready to talk about it. A regular occurence? You know there’s a deeper problem there.

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/07/2025 20:43

cheesescheeses · 16/07/2025 20:40

He’s been like this in the past, when DCs were small but not much since. Sometimes such nonsensical rows completely throw me and leave me questioning myself.

I feel it was an engineered row to give him the excuse to not speak to me.

I hate conflict, he knows this, he will know how dreadful I feel. Still ignoring me.

Love, this is abusive.

I’m so sorry.

DorothyStorm · 16/07/2025 20:44

I feel it was an engineered row to give him the excuse to not speak to me.
Do you know why he might do this?

Hotflushesandchilblains · 16/07/2025 20:46

Sometimes life gets in the way of us doing stuff. Thats normal, might be a bit annoying to the people around us, but that is just how it is sometimes.

But his reaction sounds bonkers - I agree it is manufactured. He sounds like he just wanted to blow up about something. Could he be pissed off that he has not been your priority lately (no judgement on you, you have had more than enough to cope with)?

Not talking to you is an abuse tactic. It is a really shitty thing to do in a relationship. As for you not liking conflict - stay strong. You have done nothing wrong and nothing at all to warrant this. His behaviour is totally unacceptable, and to do it to you now when you have had to cope with so much is beyond cruel.

I am sorry. Sending you support.

humptydumptyfelloff · 16/07/2025 20:55

Op if this was me I would walk into the room he is in,I would calmly say he’s being an absolute dickhead and the peace and quiet is bliss.

then tell
him to fuck off calmly and carry on what your doing.

Muffsies · 16/07/2025 20:57

Some people can't stand it when someone else is having a tough time, or is ill, or has had a bereavement. They basically don't like someone else being the one deserving attention or sympathy. They either get cross at you for 'going on' about your unfortunate situation, and want you to get over it. Or, they create a situation where they get to be the centre of attention and sympathy again.

WellMaybeYouShouldntBeLivingHeeeeeeee · 16/07/2025 20:59

No, you don’t deserve this and, if you are someone who can experience what you have just described and then seriously wonder if you might deserve it, it seems to me that he has probably messed with your head to the extent that you should leave him.

Sorry to seem abrupt; it’s honestly not flippant. But my tolerance for men who do this kind of shit is just absolute zero. There are so many kind, decent men out there. There is no justification or need for anyone to resort to cruel, emotionally manipulative fuckery. They choose to do it. Once it becomes a pattern, they don’t change.

I’m truly sorry about your dad, and the whole situation. Flowers

Original poster
cheesescheeses · 16/07/2025 21:10

Thank you to each and every one of you, you talk a lot of sense and I need to think carefully about how I want the rest of my life to be.

The really stupid thing is, I would absolutely recognise this as bad/abusive behaviour if it happened to a friend. I need to grow a pair and stand up for myself.

thank you again

OP posts:
Rhaidimiddim · 16/07/2025 22:20

cheesescheeses · 16/07/2025 20:40

He’s been like this in the past, when DCs were small but not much since. Sometimes such nonsensical rows completely throw me and leave me questioning myself.

I feel it was an engineered row to give him the excuse to not speak to me.

I hate conflict, he knows this, he will know how dreadful I feel. Still ignoring me.

Sounds like the kind of thing my ex-h did when he was playing away from home. Happened 3 times, same cause-a-fight behavior each time, so he didn't have to interact with me, because he guilt-riddled couldn't.

Hotflushesandchilblains · 16/07/2025 22:24

Agree with @Rhaidimiddim - nothing makes some people more angry than being in the wrong.

Iwantsandybeachesandgoodfood · 16/07/2025 22:25

Muffsies · 16/07/2025 20:57

Some people can't stand it when someone else is having a tough time, or is ill, or has had a bereavement. They basically don't like someone else being the one deserving attention or sympathy. They either get cross at you for 'going on' about your unfortunate situation, and want you to get over it. Or, they create a situation where they get to be the centre of attention and sympathy again.

Edited

This is my view too. Some men “need” to be their partners main focus and react nastily when the attention is off them. It’s disgusting.

I’m so sorry for your loss OP. Do you have supportive friends or other family?

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 16/07/2025 22:27

That’s really horrible of him. I’m sorry the person who’s supposed to be your anchor is treating you like this when you’ve just lost your dad. He’s a prick.

Doorwayss · 16/07/2025 22:38

What a prick OP.
Don't waste your life on him.

Springadorable · 16/07/2025 22:41

What's the job? Some are more annoying to live with unfinished than others.