Silly to get upset over this?

[yoyoyoyoo]

DD is in year R. Since the start of school I’ve become friendly with a group of mums. 2 went to my DS’s nursery, one I know through my sister and the other is new.
I have found over the course of the year that they have all become quite close, going for wine and spending time together with their DHs. I was invited to the first wine night but I couldn’t make it as my work friend had a 40th.
if I’m honest, they’re not fully ‘my people’, they’re very pleasant but I don’t feel like I particularly fit in with them type thing. We all have DDs in the same class though so it has felt important to me to stay involved, plus some days when there’s only 2/3 of them in the playground I feel a bit less on the outside if that makes sense.

Anyway this morning I left the school run feeling quite upset. The 4 girls were each signing cards in the playground for the teachers/TAs, so each card would have their names on 4 times. Me and my DD stood there totally uninvolved, and my DD said to me “what are they doing?”. I get that for them, they obviously planned to do this together (I’ve picked up on the fact they have a whattsapp group just the 4 of them), so they probably weren’t aware of how it excluded my DD, but I felt uncomfortable with this.

I know people will say well you don’t like them much anyway, but I guess I’m not looking for close friendships so it’s not that I don’t like them it’s that I don’t want to be besties with these mums. but I feel now I have spent year R feeling uneasy and now I have years ahead of me with this situation… AIBU?

Four women who get on well with each other, who you agree you don't really fit in with have formed a friendship group.

To start with, they tried to include you, but (perhaps) later realised you don't really fit in and only want to remain in the friendship group because you should.

They remain friendly towards you when not together as a group, but don't include you in their group of four. Presumably, they don't include the mothers of any of the other children in the class either.

You are being unreasonable.

Exactly this. Four people you’re not particularly attracted to have become friends over a year. You’re feeling dog in the manger ish about it, and projecting your own irrational sense of exclusion onto your daughter and some cards.

I mean, presumably if you wanted to give the teacher a card, you bought one and signed it yourself?

It is horrible, but is it typical school gates stuff, I really don't miss that, it is horrible. Try to ignore.

Why are you feeling uneasy when you're not friends with them and haven't really made any effort? This is just a natural consequence of your dismissive attitude towards them

I’m not sure how they excluded your DD?

Surely you just said “they are doing a group card for Ms X and Mrs Y” isn’t that nice? I have lovely cards for you to write especially from you, we’ll do them today after school” (or whatever)

What’s ‘horrible’ about it? Other people the OP doesn’t much like have become friends over the course of a year. It’s not even that their children and the OP’s child are close friends — they’re just in the same class at school. They did something slightly odd in giving the teacher four cards with each child signing each card. There’s zero reason for the OP topper her daughter to have felt ‘excluded’. I presume they had given the teacher their own card, if they’d wanted to.

School gates are the worst place to feel left out. These ladies are not your cup of tea, they probably sense that. One night out with them you’d probably regret every minute. Smile and wave, move on.

It's horrible to feel left out and OP should ignore it?!

what is horrible about four women becoming friends and not clicking with a fifth who they invited out but declined?

this lady doesn’t even like the women.

these are grown women who should be able to form friendships as they please

i will know we truly have equality when a man posts that the dads at the school gate don’t include him!

How many kids in the class? If there are only 5 then it’s really shitty for 4 of them to do joint cards and leave out the fifth kid. If there are 10+ then it’s just a bit weird (but yR kids do things like that because they are just little children).
I don’t understand the thing about the 4 parents being mates. You don’t want to be friends with them but you don’t want them to be friends with each other either?

There’s about 50 in the year, so yeah it’s not a big deal in that sense. I guess I just feel a bit out of by the loop type thing, I think I need to care less.

But there’s no reason for her to feel she or her child should have been included in the teacher card arrangements!

It’s clearly pushing some button for her, but in her shoes I’d be asking myself what in my past was making me feel like this, and acknowledging it was my own issue, rather than getting huffy about four parents of children in my child’s class co-signing cards.

You nailed it. No one has done anything wrong here. You are all adults. Some people are closer than others - that happens in all walks of life. You can’t force your way in - in fact you don’t even want to. It’s an odd reaction to care this much so I agree with previous poster this must be bringing something else up for you.

Be careful how you react to this in front of your daughter. You aren’t modeling rational behavior around friendships and relationships.

Honestly don't worry about the next years at school. It becomes such a blip in your day. I'm friendly with parents on the school run but not particularly close.

It sounds like they're nice enough so it can't be super draining.

Have you ever invited them to do anything?

It’s taken me a long time to realise this but when new groups are starting to form like this, if you can’t attend the first gathering it’s always a good idea to suggest the next, so they know you would be keen, you’re not making an excuse.

”So sorry I can’t make wine night, I have a party to go to. Shall we pencil in a date for next month for wine / soft play / park?”

I am having flashbacks!!!

Find other people to talk to and other children for your DD to play with, these are not your people.

But if you wanted to be in the particular loop of those four people, you presumably had that option during the year. They invited you on an early night out that you couldn’t make, but you had the option of saying ‘I was sorry not to make it, but would love to come if you do it again’ or organising a night out with them, and/or any of the other 50-odd parents in the year group yourself. You didn’t, because you admit yourself they’re not really your tripe of people , but you seem a bit fixated on them having their own WhatsApp group etc and going out for drinks with their husbands, which are perfectly normal things to do.

Is your child happy at school, with friends to play with? If the answer to that is yes then you need to remember school is primarily for your child and their enjoyment and benefit. It’s not a social club for adults.

I spent last week constantly telling my year six child that there is a significant difference between deliberately excluding someone from something they should be a part of and not being friends with someone because you don’t like them or don’t want to be. If you’d been given the cold shoulder at a PTA meeting or your child had been excluded from a whole class party I’d say you had a right to be upset. Or if they’d been actively nasty on the gate. But what you’re describing is just adults being friends with each other - are they supposed to invite the other 40+ parents to be involved in everything they do just in case someone has FOMO?

Just disengage. Breezy smile. Find other people.

Yes, very silly

The school gate mums are absolutely brutal....

Yes, you are being silly, but it might be a good lesson going forward.

You get out what you put in for friendships and if you are wanting to feel more included, then you need to make more effort. These might not be your people, but you might not feel this way if you had found a friendship group, so start making connections.

I have been on the other side of this. When DD started R I knew a few Mums from Pre school and naturally gravitated towards eachother. We were friendly to everyone but once when we were arranging a meet up I invited another Mum who was standing nearby and she replied that she had no interest in joining a clique.
Fair enough but don't complain when you are included in something you don't want to be

I honestly never found that.

Some groups of Mums (particularly those that didn’t work) had tighter friendships born of coffee mornings/park meet ups etc.

But I found if I walked up to any group/person at the school gate and said “hi, how are you doing” everyone was quite happy to chat.

I know that some people find walking up to a group very difficult but that isn’t the fault of the group.

I had this OP, it is horrible and you’re not being silly. Still hurts years later which is a bit pathetic!