Silly to get upset over this?

[yoyoyoyoo]

DD is in year R. Since the start of school I’ve become friendly with a group of mums. 2 went to my DS’s nursery, one I know through my sister and the other is new.
I have found over the course of the year that they have all become quite close, going for wine and spending time together with their DHs. I was invited to the first wine night but I couldn’t make it as my work friend had a 40th.
if I’m honest, they’re not fully ‘my people’, they’re very pleasant but I don’t feel like I particularly fit in with them type thing. We all have DDs in the same class though so it has felt important to me to stay involved, plus some days when there’s only 2/3 of them in the playground I feel a bit less on the outside if that makes sense.

Anyway this morning I left the school run feeling quite upset. The 4 girls were each signing cards in the playground for the teachers/TAs, so each card would have their names on 4 times. Me and my DD stood there totally uninvolved, and my DD said to me “what are they doing?”. I get that for them, they obviously planned to do this together (I’ve picked up on the fact they have a whattsapp group just the 4 of them), so they probably weren’t aware of how it excluded my DD, but I felt uncomfortable with this.

I know people will say well you don’t like them much anyway, but I guess I’m not looking for close friendships so it’s not that I don’t like them it’s that I don’t want to be besties with these mums. but I feel now I have spent year R feeling uneasy and now I have years ahead of me with this situation… AIBU?

YABU.

It's fine for them to do a group card, unless they have organised it on behalf of all the children and just left you out.
As someone else said when DD asked what they were doing you could simply just say I don't know and then distract I wonder what you will do today.

I started off friendly with a group but we then drifted apart as the children's interests changed (and I had a daughter, they all had boys). We will still speak, say hello and make friendly chat if it's one on their own , but if they are all together I stand alone as I am not part of that friendship.
Just let it go.

OP hasn’t formed a close friendship with four women who she doesn’t really click with.

no one is being mean to OP, she was invited along, she declined. The group moved on without her.

I remain puzzled why that is horrible and hurtful.

There’s absolutely nothing remotely ‘horrible and hurtful’ about it, like most school gate threads where people are projecting like an IMAX cinema.

You could summarise this thread as ‘People I don’t much like have made friends without asking me first’.

Are you just upset because you haven't yet found a mum friendship group like they have? Sorry but it doesn't make much sense seeing as they are not your kind of people, you don't want to be close friends and you haven't made any effort with them.

Are your daughters all really close friends? If not then I wouldn't say they are excluding her, it's not like they've included everyone in the class apart from her.

You’re only in Reception, you’ve got many years of this nonsense to go and I’m afraid to say, it gets worse as they got older - in the sense that the exclusion seems to get worse. The parties are no longer the entire class, just small groups. All the mum-cliques are very firm and rarely manoeuvre. My DD moved school at the beginning of year 4 and whilst the school itself is fab, the mums are awful. They have their cliques and god forbid they acknowledge a new mum?! Even 2 years later I’m still totally blanked!

What is horrible? What have they done wrong?

If you want be friends with them, make it really obvious. I’m sure they will include you they sound like nice people. Life is too short.

Doing the school gates is hard when your child starts school. I think you care less with every passing year. You cannot be good friends with every other mum there. This is FINE. In time, you will make some really nice friendships with other mums.

You either need to let it go and enjoy it casual friendship with them. Or suggest a meet up and integrate your self into. The group.

But literally no one has excluded the OP. They invited her on an outing months ago, she didn’t go, she doesn’t much like these people, their children are not particular friends of her child, she’s just weirdly resentful that they’ve had the temerity to become friends over the intervening period without her permission. Even though she doesn’t actually seem to want to befriend them.

OP if you want to be part of their friendship group it’s definitely not too late to start making more of an effort with them in reception year. But if you don’t then that’s ok of course, but in that case I don’t think you can be upset that you’re not part of the friendship group!

They have become good friends and your not. Your more just speaking terms in playground. Accept thats ok and move on

@PollyBellI don’t think the clique group have done anything wrong but it’s still a horrible feeling to know you’ve been left out of things and people have formed close friendships without when you thought you were all friends together.

How on earth is it “exclusion” not to have whole class parties as kids get older?! Am I supposed to invite 29 kids to my DC’s tenth birthday sleepover at my house just in case someone’s feelings get hurt?

In my experience what one person perceives as a “Mum clique” is often just a group of friends doing their own thing and minding their own business without necessarily feeling they need to involve everyone else whose only link to them is having kids born in the same year and living in the vicinity. I have no idea why women with children are supposed to be uniquely welcoming to all and sundry when I can almost guarantee there aren’t loads of men angsting about being left out of “Dad cliques” or upset that the group of men they often pass in the golf club car park hasn’t invited them on their night out.

I don't know what you're getting upset about. You're not overly keen on them, even though they've become quite close they're still nice and friendly with you. Make friends with other parents if you don't like standing on your own.

Is this "school gates" thing a UK thing. It seems to come up a lot in threads. When my boys went to school I never expected to make friends with other mum's, and I didn't. I had friendly interactions with some other parents, but had my own friends already. School was for my children to make friends.

This is a good idea, for use in the future. Meanwhile OP, I’d just smile and be friendly without letting your hurt show. I’ve had similar experiences, and I know it’s painful, but you just have to keep your school-gates encounters light and cheerful and not let it get to you. They probably don’t dislike you, but just clicked with each other more.
I hope @jolies1’s advice helps you make other school friends.

I’m not looking for close friendships

People often say this when their kids start school. I wonder why they need to state this explicitly, and whether it’s a defensive thing in case they don’t gel with others. Be careful what you wish for I guess.

If it’s only signed by the 4 of them they haven’t deliberately excluded your child, it’s not like it was signed by every single child in R except yours.