To politely ask this mum to back off a little?

[Lavender1993201]

I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed by the mum of my littlest DC's friend.

They met at nursery and have made a nice bond and are both in the process of being assessed for autism. Both age 4 and staying on at nursery for another year.

My eldest is (diagnosed) autistic too so I do appreciate that it's rare/lovely for children like ours to make friends so early on, especially as this little girl is non verbal.

The problem is this little girls mum is very full on. We exchanged numbers with a view to having the odd play date and we've had two so far, but there's a lot of contact.

She wants to video call often so the girls can see one another. It gets awkward after 5 minutes or so as they can't conversate so I end up chatting to mum to fill the silence, usually when I have lots to be getting on with myself.

Then there's the normal calls to chat about whatever is on her mind or what's going on in her life.

She has some MH problems and I truly feel for her (because I do too - I'm ADHD and have CPTSD) but I just don't have the bandwidth to sustain a new full on friendship right now. I have a lot going on in my personal life that I don't feel comfortable sharing with her at this point as I still barely know her. I'm starting to dread going to nursery.

She called me multiple times yesterday as she had a meeting coming up that she was anxious about and wanted to talk.

To my shame, I ignored the phone as I had a lot on my plate as it was, now I feel bad. Its also awkward as ill have to see her today.

WIBU to politely ask her to back off a little? And how would you do that If you were me? I really don't want to cause offence but it's all a bit suffocating.

Be a lot less available, answer the phone less, reply slowly- basically phase her out

I wouldn't ask her to back off but would just answer the phone only now and again and same with messages.

“I’m sorry, can’t speak now. The kids will see each other at nursery on Wednesday.”

Do you think she might be neurodiverse herself? Maybe she’s not good at reading between the lines. Maybe you can find a diplomatic way of drawing a boundary about what you can offer. Might mentioning how you don’t have time/bandwidth to see long established, close friends soften the blow?

That sounds like a lot! It sounds like she’s lonely and wants to be friends, so I’m not sure about going as far as to tell her to back off completely. I might start gently pushing back every time and try to set precedents for how and how often you talk. If she tries calling, message back and say sorry I can’t talk, see you tomorrow, or shift the conversation to text so you can reply as and when it’s convenient? Then she’ll know you’re not completely avoiding her, but it puts it back on your terms.

Tell her not to. Other calling you as you often leave the phone in a drawer. Then stop answering all her calls.

I have two unopened messages from her that she sent yesterday about wanting to talk about her meeting, I haven't a clue how to go about responding to that now 24 hours later 😩

I feel like I have to acknowledge it somehow as we're both going to an end of term event at nursery this afternoon.

Edited to add - yes it's possible she may be neurodiverse too.

Thank you for the replies!

Just reply along the lines of "sorry busy day yesterday, good luck with the meeting"

And just keep along that track. As others have said, be less available.

"Sorry I didn't reply yesterday I was really busy, hope your meeting went ok"

Then whenever she texts you in future just leave it a few hours before you reply and hopefully she will get the message that you're not someone who is going to be immediately available or in constant contact.

You can reply, 'Just read your messages. Sorry, been too busy'.

Or don't reply. And if you see her at nursery and she mentions it, say 'Oh, sorry. I have been busy'.

Don't feel guilty about protecting some breathing space for yourself. Something i have learnt to do.

I have just sent her the above suggested message, thank you!

I've always been a bit of a people pleaser and spent years over commiting to things/situations that inevitably lead to resentment or burnout, I'm making a conscious effort to change that pattern now I'm into my 30's.

I think people see me as a good listener as I always seem to be offloaded onto 😬

All the best, OP. And well done on taking that first step.
The more you keep your boundaries, the easier it becomes.

Very hard for a people pleaser but it is a fantastic skill to have. Life suddenly feels less anxiety-inducing.

I'd just add to the good advice above, please don't just ignore her. She misread the friendship (for whatever reason) so to gently distance her would be kinder. "I don't always have time to deal with my phone, so apologies if it takes me a while to get back to you" messages should do the trick. Good luck x

If shes in the early stages of getting her daughter diagnosed she might be feeling overwhelmed hence her clinging to you
Not that you should have too but are there any local autism groups, charities parents forums, etc that you can direct her too ?

I won't completely ignore her, I do feel for her and know how overwhelming it is when you're navigating coming to terms with special needs parenting and the assessment process.

Fortunately she already has good support in place, a support worker and she goes to a community hub twice a week where they offer support / events / tea and biscuits.

She has a need she wants meet. You see it, feel it, understand it and could meet it… but only at the expense of your own wellbeing. People pleasing is a survival strategy. Usually developed as a child in a maladaptive environment where people pleasing helped you feel safe and get your needs met. But over decades it literally burns your body out.
I find imaging I’m physically dragging myself into my own body and put an invisible shield around works for me. You’re you and it’s your job to meet your needs. If she can’t meet her own needs then she needs to get professional help to learn to do that - not try and make you an appendage/tool in her life.
I sense from your posts (but could be projecting) that ignore her “hooks” asking for help makes you feel unsafe somehow. That’s why it’s hard to know how you want to handle your interactions. Go for the friendship you want with her & don’t accept anything else. But also be aware she gets the right to say the type of friendship you want doesn’t work for her. That’s fine too. If you’ve been indulging her then she will have a reaction to that, I suspect. After the reaction, you can have a more balanced friendship or she might walk away. Both options are fine. You’ll be fine either way. If she’s childish and blanks you or otherwise behaves unkindly then label it. Ideally something humorous to you. We rated my MIL on her behaviour out of 10. (Ooh she put loads of thought into that comment give it a 10!) and it really took the sting out of it for my DH and me. She doesn’t bother much anymore becusse we’ve changed how we react.

‘Sorry I was so busy with the kids yesterday I haven’t even had time to sit down and go through my messages yet!’.

just be less available. Just because the phone rings, doesn’t mean you have to answer it.

I wouldn’t ask her to back off but I would not answer the phone to her. I’d reply briefly to each message by text saying things like Gosh sorry that sounds tough. I’m up to my eyes this week and can’t talk but hope it goes well. And say you don’t think the FaceTime is working, let the girls meet in real life instead.

I think this is a show not tell situation. There usually isn't a nice way to tell someone to back off, because often the people who take up too much of our time are in need of some sort, vulnerable and will be easily hurt and rejected. So I think the best course of action is to establish your boundaries and then wean her off until she's behind your line. So gradually take longer to respond to her messages and be briefer with your replies (warm and friendly, but brief with no questions to encourage conversation). Don't answer voice calls, ever. Just message her back telling her you were busy and are available (set time). I would tell her the video calls with the girls aren't working out, and suggest they're better on playdates (offered at a frequency you're comfortable with). Basically you need to take control here, and gradually pull this relationship back so it aligns with your offer rather than allowing her to dictate it.

I wouldn't ask her to back off in so many words, as you don't want her to take it the wrong way and create bad blood, particularly if the kids end up going to the same school. I would really cut down on contact with her though. Don't reply to every message and ignore her when you don't want to answer her calls. If she asks why, just tell her you're busy. She will get the message and realise sooner or later that it's one sided. She can only take up all your time and attention if you're willing to give it.

Definitely be less 'available', so no face-times or constant stream of messages. Keep reiterating that you are so busy, life is crazy lately etc etc, hopefully she will start to get the message your not available emotionally to her in this way, but I would't ask her to 'back off' or ignore her completely. The friendship is beneficial for your daughter too, so I'd suck it up a little bit with that in mind.

I was just about to mention people pleasing. I'm prone to doing it and I've found myself caught in the orbit of needy people like this too over the years, where I would start off thinking I was being nice and then a few weeks later think WTF and realise I was being completely and utterly used and that I was angry and miserable. I think the problem we have is that we allow ourselves to be roped in too quickly - we're handing over a phone number before we've had a chance to know if we really want them to have it, whereas people who aren't people pleasers don't let themselves be moved that fast.

The big problem isn't her, it's how you handle the guilt you feel when you say no, and the fear of making someone else disappointed. Yes, she's clearly lonely and having a difficult time, but this is not your problem to solve. You are not free therapy or a dumpster she can use to offload her emotions into. It's not your job to save her from difficult feelings. Let her feel them. It's not mean or cruel. It's adult and normal.

It's alright to say no. I know it goes against everything we've been told (which is what made us into people pleasers in the first place) but it really is OK to disappoint other people and put your own needs first. And other people really will survive if left to sit with their own negative feelings.

There's a really good book called codependent no more by Melody Beattie which I recommend, it put a whole new slant on this behaviour for me.

If she is in therapy for her mental health then you should be honest. She will understand if you say that due to your own mental health situation you are struggling with self care and not able to take on the position of being her listener right now.

Back again - hello!

I took the advice suggested and made myself less available (not responding straight away, leaving longer between texts, not answering the random phone calls) whilst still being kind and friendly when I do speak to her.

The contact has ramped up regardless. Calls and texts every day.

She's struggling with her mental health at the moment and really trying to lean on me. If I'm honest - I'm not in the best place myself but don't want to tell her that.

I spent 15 minutes or so on the phone (after ignoring a few calls citing being super busy with life etc) and I advised her as best I could. I made sure to drop in that life was super busy, lots on with work and older DC yada yada. I signposted her to good resources.

She wanted to meet up yesterday. I said "sorry I can't today, I'm in (neighbouring town) at a relatives right now"

20 minutes later I'm heading out and bump in to her at the bus stop 😩 I wanted the ground to swallow me up.

It all seems a bit too much and I'm starting to feel uncomfortable. She definitely has other supports in her circle.

Don't feel bad.
You have to care of you and it appears she's not the type of person to take a hint. So you have to do & had to do what you had & have to do.

Hopefully, she gets the hint now.