To politely ask this mum to back off a little?

[Lavender1993201]

I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed by the mum of my littlest DC's friend.

They met at nursery and have made a nice bond and are both in the process of being assessed for autism. Both age 4 and staying on at nursery for another year.

My eldest is (diagnosed) autistic too so I do appreciate that it's rare/lovely for children like ours to make friends so early on, especially as this little girl is non verbal.

The problem is this little girls mum is very full on. We exchanged numbers with a view to having the odd play date and we've had two so far, but there's a lot of contact.

She wants to video call often so the girls can see one another. It gets awkward after 5 minutes or so as they can't conversate so I end up chatting to mum to fill the silence, usually when I have lots to be getting on with myself.

Then there's the normal calls to chat about whatever is on her mind or what's going on in her life.

She has some MH problems and I truly feel for her (because I do too - I'm ADHD and have CPTSD) but I just don't have the bandwidth to sustain a new full on friendship right now. I have a lot going on in my personal life that I don't feel comfortable sharing with her at this point as I still barely know her. I'm starting to dread going to nursery.

She called me multiple times yesterday as she had a meeting coming up that she was anxious about and wanted to talk.

To my shame, I ignored the phone as I had a lot on my plate as it was, now I feel bad. Its also awkward as ill have to see her today.

WIBU to politely ask her to back off a little? And how would you do that If you were me? I really don't want to cause offence but it's all a bit suffocating.

Never make your excuses not to meet or talk too detailed.
If you’d just stopped at “sorry can’t meet today I’m super busy” then when you saw her at the bus stop you could have just said “yes I’m busy & on my way out - can’t stop to chat now”
You being ‘busy’ can mean that you’ve decided to hoover the floors or something, that’s how you’ve decided to arrange your day - you do not owe her any of your time or any explanation/justification on what you do with your precious time.
You probably should say to her that calling and messaging you multiple times a day is too much as it’s causing you stress.

What SEN groups are local to you perhaps you could suggest meeting at one together in the hope of introducing her to the local community?

Agree with the message back when you can not straight away

Do exactly what @5128gap says. No need to lie about being somewhere else — you just say ‘That’s jot going to work for me.’. Don’t pick up the phone. You’re not her MH support worker. She’s the parent of your child’s friend, and you can see exactly why she doesn’t have any friends, and is dumping her distress on someone she barely knows because it hasn’t occurred to her that it’s completely inappropriate. You’re going to have to take control more.

Just be upfront, say you feel awkward about bumping in to her when you said you were out of town but the truth is that you're finding the amount of messaging/ talking overwhelming and wanted to create some space.

You don't need to elaborate, say you have a lot on your plate and you don't have the time/ head space to cultivate a new friendship right now. If you want to keep the door open for future meet ups you can add that you hope the girls can have the occasional play date in the future/ when you have time to arrange you'll be in touch.

I think you need to stop completely with the calls. Either make up a long lasting excuse eg you are at work and very busy or tell her outright that you dont feel able to advise her and you are very uncomfortable with her relying on you for support and you want her to get support elsewhere.

I can (shock, horror), be quite blunt. With people wanting friendship, I tend to be quite clear about my limitations/boundaries as a friend. I am not a 'besties forever/contact every day' friend, I just don't have it in me. So if that's what they're wanting, they're going to be disappointed, so perhaps we're not a good friend fit, and they should look elsewhere.

You have so much going on in your life. You simply don't have the bandwidth she wants or needs, and that is okay. That doesn't make you a bad person. (In fact, you sound an incredibly lovely person.)

What did she say when she saw you?

Do you think she ‘got it’?

What stands out for me is that despite you sending texts saying you’re busy etc, there was still a
phone call, so she got what she wanted really.

I think you’ll have to be firmer with her unfortunately.

Don’t make the mistake of spending ages until you’re exhausted counselling someone who doesn’t actually want advice or signposting but just wants someone to endlessly offload on.

Clearly giving hints isn't working. If she is indeed autistic, just tell her straight, she'll appreciate the clarity.

"Claire, I'm sorry but I don't have the capacity or time for phone calls/texts/a new friendship. I have a lot going on in my own life. The odd playdate for DD & YourDD once a month is all I can manage, nothing more. As I said, here are some helplines. Hopefully they can give you the help that I can't."

This, plus you are not her therapist dont get involved in the drama tell her and move on in your life

This* neurodiversity is 70% as inheritible as height. Being "very intense & anxious " is probably because she has asd too. I would just be polite and say I am busy /can't talk right now .