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AIBU?

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Original poster

Frustrated that DH puts himself first and I'm left picking up the slack...

41 replies

TheCosyOpalSeal · 15/07/2025 22:56

Long story...
We have two young children and a caravan which is quite expensive so we aim to spend most weekends there in the summer (30 min drive from home).
With one commitment or another we won't get chance to be together there for the next 5 weekends.

I'm on term time contract with work, and his busiest time in work is the summer holidays which means the weekends are precious.

This weekend we have 2 kids birthday party invites, one is a dear friend but sods law is 5pm on the Saturday which wouldn't work to commute from the caravan.

I sat DH down this week to hatch a plan for whether we'd go to the caravan or the parties (and if we did the caravan, how could we rearrange the following weekend to be able to attend our friends kids 'house tea party' instead of their sports hall one- as we have double booked a ticketed event at the time of their home/family get together).
He looked at the weather and we decided we'd just stay home and attend the parties... So I rsvpd...

Now 24 hrs later, he's checked the surf and has decided he wants to go to the caravan instead (it's at the beach) and doesn't really care how I've rsvpd or the mental work it takes trying to appease good friends for flaking on their kids birthday (when they always show up for us). Although I should add they're old next door neighbours who we became friendly with over lockdown because our kids are similar age and he's not really that friendly with them. It's more me and the mum and the kids, but they often invite us to family things together.

I've said he can go to the caravan by himself and I'll ferry our 2 kids around the parties solo (I don't want to go to either party BTW).

And I feel shitty... It's his hobby and it's naturally unpredictable because it's weather dependent but God I am so fed up of being flaky to friends... I catch the wrap for it because he just doesn't care. But surely friendships and celebrations mean something... Like you show up for good friends?!

Also... He never says... I'll take the kids to the parties you have time for yourself... If I'm in work he'll take the kids to parties solo but then acts like my work is the same as his cycling/surfing hobbies.

I've said he should go surfing but I was arsey and now I'll get a guilt trip for not just being smiley and saying of course dear... Should I just play the dutiful wife?... I'll do it, but I feel like I'm allowed to be a bit miffed... he gets to just change his mind without having to consider anyone else as I'll pick up the flack.

OP posts:
HundredMilesAnHour · 15/07/2025 23:01

I don’t understand why this is so problematic if the caravan is only 30 mins drive away from home. Why can’t you go to a 5pm party from the caravan (and back)?

Hankunamatata · 15/07/2025 23:04

HundredMilesAnHour · 15/07/2025 23:01

I don’t understand why this is so problematic if the caravan is only 30 mins drive away from home. Why can’t you go to a 5pm party from the caravan (and back)?

This is what I was thinking

Daisyvodka · 15/07/2025 23:06

Also a bit confused - im guessing 30 mins might be a typo OP?
To your point about DH, absolutely not unreasonable but in order for him to do stuff like this you have to be accommodating, will he ever learn unless you stop being accommodating and he feels what real life with kids is like? Absolutely frustrating that you are in a position where you might need to consider not doing nice things for your partner because they take it for granted though!

Doorwayss · 15/07/2025 23:06

Go after the party.
He's just another selfish arse.
Life is very tedious with them.

Original poster
TheCosyOpalSeal · 15/07/2025 23:10

Our youngest is 2...and doesn't transfer well so we'd end up with him falling asleep and then wanting to be up all night. Plus the roads aren't great this time of year so I avoid going back and forth too much, because the party is 20 mins further again so it's nearly and hour there and back.
And that was my original plan to commute with just my eldest... but then I also had to rsvp to a school kids party that pm too so I've said we'll go to both now which basically puts us at home for the day. Plus by DH will be surfing at the time of both parties so I'll have to take both kids. So it's easier to be at home.

OP posts:
LongleyFarm · 15/07/2025 23:14

If your children are looking forward to the parties, take them to the parties and then home to bed.

Wowzel · 15/07/2025 23:16

The distances are so small that I would just do all of it

I leave an hour each way to travel anywhere in London!

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 15/07/2025 23:17

Dh goes surfing first thing in the morning on Saturday then looks after the youngest while you travel back with the older one, and maybe if any of the parties are a drop and run you can find a cafe for a chance to relax and decompress. Back to the caravan and dh can surf on the Sunday too.

FeedingPidgeons · 15/07/2025 23:21

I get it OP

It's the oblivious selfishness of it.

Like the kids are your hobby because you're a woman so what other way would you want to spend your time?

I mean, what a knob. And don't be afraid to call it out. It's bollocks and he knows it's bollocks.

He just thinks his whims should always take priority regardless of the impact on you.

Tell him how you feel, no need for a row, just a bit of honesty.

Original poster
TheCosyOpalSeal · 15/07/2025 23:22

Good points... We also have a dog... Who's fine to be left at home but not the caravan for very long so that's also my consideration when planning things out... All of which I have to figure out.. Not DH.. and we're down to one car at the moment... Which actually suits DH as he loves cycling and then that also means he doesn't have to deal with the kids/dog/luggage 🤪

OP posts:
TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 15/07/2025 23:27

We taught our kids that if you commit to something, you see it through.
Social engagements even when something better comes up, a term of a school activity you’ve signed up to and then gone off. You have to live it though.

My personal view, he commited to doing something with his family and friends and he can suck it up
now if the surf is now good. What’s stopping HIM from getting to the beach by 5.30am and home by 4pm to party?

Original poster
TheCosyOpalSeal · 15/07/2025 23:36

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 15/07/2025 23:27

We taught our kids that if you commit to something, you see it through.
Social engagements even when something better comes up, a term of a school activity you’ve signed up to and then gone off. You have to live it though.

My personal view, he commited to doing something with his family and friends and he can suck it up
now if the surf is now good. What’s stopping HIM from getting to the beach by 5.30am and home by 4pm to party?

I feel the same to be honest. We've had one bug after another lately too so I'm sick of cancelling especially when we're all well.
I'll just take them on my own but it's frustrating as I couldn't pull that card if it were the other way around.

OP posts:
outingouting · 15/07/2025 23:45

But why can’t you take time off? And say I’m going to knitting / spa / see friends next Sat afternoon?
I don’t think he sounds like he’ll offer but you can insist? Otherwise this resentment will eat you up.

MumWifeOther · 15/07/2025 23:58

He keeps doing this because he can. Put your foot down?

LurkyMcLurkinson · 16/07/2025 00:04

I think you need to better advocate for yourself. How are your needs for rest, hobbies etc met? How does he share the load? What would happen if you gave him a set of tasks to complete?

Iudncuewbccgrcb · 16/07/2025 00:07

A friend of mine got divorced for literally this exact reason. In an otherwise mostly happy marriage she realised she and the kids and the mundane responsibility of life came a distant second to the surf. His life was around that and family fitted in around it if convenient.

It was all very sad but once the realisation hit her she realised she deserved more than that. I'm in awe of her for making that decision.

coxesorangepippin · 16/07/2025 00:19

Say no to the parties??

coxesorangepippin · 16/07/2025 00:21

This is also about ownership

Ownership about arranging playdates etc

You end up managing the relationship with other parents

And become the default contact person

Be careful not to let this happen for every single parental responsibility,or guess what, you'll do it all

Or he'll let you, that's clear.

2024onwardsandup · 16/07/2025 00:28

Why do you feel compelled to be a dutiful wife?

hes a selfish prick.

Alacartemenu · 16/07/2025 00:36

outingouting · 15/07/2025 23:45

But why can’t you take time off? And say I’m going to knitting / spa / see friends next Sat afternoon?
I don’t think he sounds like he’ll offer but you can insist? Otherwise this resentment will eat you up.

Basically this. Insist on your own hobbies. and time away from home.

He needs to also stick to the plan and go to the party, why on earth would you tell him it's ok for him to go? Why do you get to be the default parent for the entire weekend?

ItsBella · 16/07/2025 00:49

50 minutes each direction is something I'd easily do, so I'd stick to the parties. Unless something serious comes up, I try to teach my kids that you stick to what you agreed.

The real issue though is that your DH doesn't think about how he affects everyone else. The only way to resolve it is to take a stand, I think.

Givenupshopping · 16/07/2025 00:58

MumWifeOther · 15/07/2025 23:58

He keeps doing this because he can. Put your foot down?

This! Stop being such a walkover OP, stand up for yourself!

orwellwasright2025 · 16/07/2025 03:55

He gets to contact your friend. Stop being a doormat.

whynotmereally · 16/07/2025 04:06

So your dh takes youngest to afternoon party and goes on to caravan from there. (Collecting dog on route) You take elder one to 5pm party and join at caravan after. Dh goes surfing Sunday morning you all travel back Sunday afternoon.

Truetoself · 16/07/2025 04:20

I think the issue is that DH has more freedom as he simply doesn’t care.
Honestly OP, bit by but you can become more like him which hopefully will mean he will become more like you. This change took place over the pandemic as I had to go out to work whereas DH was at home. Slowly slowly he took on more of the stuff I would have done simply because I was at home before him or I thought of it.
still doesn’t see dirt or things round the house that needs doing but on the whole, a vast improvement from before