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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Frustrated that DH puts himself first and I'm left picking up the slack...

41 replies

TheCosyOpalSeal · 15/07/2025 22:56

Long story...
We have two young children and a caravan which is quite expensive so we aim to spend most weekends there in the summer (30 min drive from home).
With one commitment or another we won't get chance to be together there for the next 5 weekends.

I'm on term time contract with work, and his busiest time in work is the summer holidays which means the weekends are precious.

This weekend we have 2 kids birthday party invites, one is a dear friend but sods law is 5pm on the Saturday which wouldn't work to commute from the caravan.

I sat DH down this week to hatch a plan for whether we'd go to the caravan or the parties (and if we did the caravan, how could we rearrange the following weekend to be able to attend our friends kids 'house tea party' instead of their sports hall one- as we have double booked a ticketed event at the time of their home/family get together).
He looked at the weather and we decided we'd just stay home and attend the parties... So I rsvpd...

Now 24 hrs later, he's checked the surf and has decided he wants to go to the caravan instead (it's at the beach) and doesn't really care how I've rsvpd or the mental work it takes trying to appease good friends for flaking on their kids birthday (when they always show up for us). Although I should add they're old next door neighbours who we became friendly with over lockdown because our kids are similar age and he's not really that friendly with them. It's more me and the mum and the kids, but they often invite us to family things together.

I've said he can go to the caravan by himself and I'll ferry our 2 kids around the parties solo (I don't want to go to either party BTW).

And I feel shitty... It's his hobby and it's naturally unpredictable because it's weather dependent but God I am so fed up of being flaky to friends... I catch the wrap for it because he just doesn't care. But surely friendships and celebrations mean something... Like you show up for good friends?!

Also... He never says... I'll take the kids to the parties you have time for yourself... If I'm in work he'll take the kids to parties solo but then acts like my work is the same as his cycling/surfing hobbies.

I've said he should go surfing but I was arsey and now I'll get a guilt trip for not just being smiley and saying of course dear... Should I just play the dutiful wife?... I'll do it, but I feel like I'm allowed to be a bit miffed... he gets to just change his mind without having to consider anyone else as I'll pick up the flack.

OP posts:

Petitchat · 16/07/2025 04:32

TheCosyOpalSeal · 15/07/2025 23:22

Good points... We also have a dog... Who's fine to be left at home but not the caravan for very long so that's also my consideration when planning things out... All of which I have to figure out.. Not DH.. and we're down to one car at the moment... Which actually suits DH as he loves cycling and then that also means he doesn't have to deal with the kids/dog/luggage 🤪

I voted YABU because you are being unreasonable putting up with all this.
Just why??

Then again, a lot of women do.
I'll never understand it......

Shinyandnew1 · 16/07/2025 08:31

Is this a different problem on a different weekend?

Is he likely to pull the same stunt then again?

StrawberryCranberry · 16/07/2025 08:35

How about let him go to the caravan and surf while you trek around to the parties. Then book in a weekend when you do something you'd like to do (visit a friend, spa trip etc) and he has the kids for the weekend on his own.

EnterFunnyNameHere · 16/07/2025 08:51

I think you need to get better at communicating really. You said he should go, when you actually think he needs to stay and see through his commitments. But you did it in an arsey way, so are now expecting a guilt trip. So - no-one is winning here.

Why dont you feel able to say - look, we discussed this and we (all of us) have committed to XYZ now. I think its really shittyto drop out on our good friends just because the weather has changed a bit.

Edited to add - if you do go by yourself, don't feel the need to cover for him. If your friends ask where he is, be honest. He decided he'd prefer to go to the beach. After all, if he thinks this is fine, he'll be fine with them knowing...

MiloMinderbinder925 · 16/07/2025 08:57

TheCosyOpalSeal · 15/07/2025 23:22

He's incapable of packing up the car before he leaves? Being with the dog? Parenting his own child? Surfing early so he's back to help out?

BitOutOfPractice · 16/07/2025 08:57

There’s so many obvious logistical solutions to this (some of which have been mentioned) that I I’m not sure why it’s a problem.

But I know that the real problem is that you get lumped with all the childcare and he goes on his own sweet way without a care in the world. I get that. I assume you would be left kid wrangling while he surfs anyway? Do that’s what needs addressing, not the parties / surf problem of this weekend.

NoLostCause · 16/07/2025 08:59

Could you do the parties, he does his surfing and then he drives the 30 mins home Saturday afternoon so you share bedtime duties and spend the evening together? Then all go to the beach together on Sunday? Then you make sure that next weekend you swap so you have a day for you.

beginalike · 16/07/2025 09:05

Why did you tell him he should go? You need to communicate with him that you are feeling upset about this, and why, rather than saying it's ok but being passive aggressive about it. If you're not ok with him going, make that 100% clear to him.

He may well go anyway, but then you know exactly where you stand.

Can you not all go to the caravan, and he is responsible for driving back for the parties whilst you look after the other child and the dog? A 50 minute drive isn't much to cause all this stress.

NeedToChangeName · 16/07/2025 09:07

EnterFunnyNameHere · 16/07/2025 08:51

Edited

Agree with this

Clear communication is vital. Why did you tell him to go to the beach, if you don't want him to?

And if he chooses to mess your friends around, don't cover for him

rainbowstardrops · 16/07/2025 09:19

There seems to be a lack of communication here. Sit him down and explain how you’re feeling and how you feel like all of the kid’s activities/parties are down to you and ask how you can both come to a compromise.
Could he go and surf early Saturday morning and then come back to help with the parties for instance?

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 16/07/2025 09:44

@TheCosyOpalSeal Should I just play the dutiful wife?... I'll do it, but I feel like I'm allowed to be a bit miffed... he gets to just change his mind without having to consider anyone else as I'll pick up the flack. this is exactly what you should be saying to your dh!!!! just change the he for a you and his for a your!!!!

mrsm43s · 16/07/2025 09:46

I think you're making this harder work than it is. It's perfectly possible to go to the caravan for the weekend and pop back for the party. So what if your 2 year old ends up staying up later on a Saturday night because they had a good nap in the car? It's no big deal.

Regarding your DH - if you weren't happy for him to go and you to do the ferrying around, why did you offer to do that? There's nothing worse than someone offering to do something, then when you take them up on the offer they start getting stroppy about it. Only agree to do what you are actually happy and prepared to do.

But honestly, I think the whole thing is a storm in a teacup and you're being far to rigid about it. If the weather is good, then pop the kids in their PJs after school and head down to the caravan Friday night as soon as you've all finished work/school (possibly with a McDs/fish and chip stop on the way for an easy quick dinner), then just come back for the party, and drive back down Saturday evening. That way you get all of Sunday at the caravan plus the majority of Saturday. We used to have a caravan 1hr away, and used to do this all the time - Friday night in PJs down, Sunday night in PJs back, making the most of the weekends down there.

Shoxfordian · 16/07/2025 09:47

If you've already said yes to the party then there's no debate, you should do the thing you said you would do first. He sounds flaky though and inconsiderate

Sandandsea123 · 16/07/2025 12:58

Isn’t the point of having a caravan that you can be spontaneous? It’s good surf so course he wants to go! Your youngest will get used to the transfer, or let him stay up late; it’s summer holidays and you have somewhere you can pop to, half hour is nothing! Make the most of it and the ability to have a lovely bolt hole.

youve had lots of suggestions as to how to manage it all; don’t just throw Dollie’s out the pram and not go to caravan!

LavenderBlue19 · 16/07/2025 13:11

Stop telling him it's ok for him to do things you don't want him to do. You're expecting him to suddenly change and become someone who prioritises you and the kids, and that's clearly not going to happen.

Tell him no. He can't go surfing when you've already said you'll go to the parties. Your family life doesn't revolve around the sea.

minipie · 16/07/2025 13:17

This is going to be more and more of problem I suspect

Once they get to school age the weekend commitments increase a lot - birthday parties, activities like swimming lessons or football etc, invitations to meet up with other families.

Does the caravan make sense financially if you only stay there in school holidays? As if not, I’d talk about selling the caravan, and his surfing becomes a hobby that he commutes to and fits in around family/work. And if that doesn’t work with the surf then he needs a new hobby 🤷‍♀️

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