Am I the rebound?

[Lavenderbluex]

Been with current boyfriend for a few months. Looking back I think he has lovebombed me.
Both have dc. I am almost 10 years younger and have been divorced for 3 years, he has been separated for 1 year and they live separately.

This is my first relationship with a fellow single parent and it seemed to be going great. I do have trust issues so I’m not sure if I’m being daft or if my gut is correct.

I don’t have him on fb (have him on instagram). However he keeps coming up in my suggested friends. I had a look at his profile and it’s on public. There’s loads of photos of him and his ex (last published ones from one year ago). Their wedding photos are also pinned at the top of his profile.

I found it strange as I archived all of the photos of myself and XH when we separated so they weren’t on display but didn't say anything. I understand people would want to keep memories.

I put it to the back of my mind until it was my birthday recently. He commented how his ex had seen the wrapped up present he got me when collecting their dc and got upset thinking it was for her upcoming birthday. To me, if you were expecting your ex to come into your home, you wouldn't have a present for your current girlfriend on display unless you wanted to cause some kind of jealousy/reaction.

I’ve now got a gut feeling that I’m a rebound. I should add neither have initiated a divorce yet. I know this isn’t rare but as soon as me and XH separated, we began divorce proceedings. At first I admired his co parenting relationship with his ex but now I’m wondering if there is more at play.

Any advice greatly appreciated!

🚩🚩🚩 I’m afraid.

@AlertCat I think exactly the same 😩 I have an upcoming night away with him which I’ve already paid half for. Not sure to question him about everything or just end things.

I think it smacks of either not being over her, or alternatively it’s a method of controlling (either you, her, or both of you). Sorry.

Wrt weekend away, if he’s still good company at the moment you could go along and end things afterwards?

I don’t think anyone should have to erase their ex from social media, especially when they’ve had kids together.

The present lying around doesn’t mean anything. It’s his home after all.

If you have all of these thoughts then it won’t work anyway.

Tbh I don’t see red flags.

Maybe he hasn’t bothered to update Facebook (loads of my friends don’t use it much since the initial flurry of activity).

And having presents lying around if you’ve been wrapping is normal. I think it would be more worrying if he’d hidden them deliberately tbh.

Im not saying that you’re NOT a rebound fling. You might well be. I’m saying that these two things don’t necessarily point to that.

If you have concerns in general, a chat would be a good idea. You could use the Facebook friend suggestion as a starting point, mention that you were surprised to see the profile pic (not in an accusatory tone, of course) and ask him if he’s really ready for a relationship.

Was the present ‘on display’, or was it a case that it was purchased, wrapped and on the sideboard ready to give to you? Ie. He hadn’t consciously placed it for ex to see, but jumped dumped it duke somewhere, and ex happened to see it.

Also, does he use his Facebook or it just laying dormant, and he hasn’t bothered to update it?

So dimikar to @Reddog1 , it may not be ted flags, but just laziness or unconscious actions.

Thanks all for your replies. I’ve seen him comment on posts on the local fb group we’re in so he must still use it recently.

I forgot to add, since the incident with the present a few days ago, he’s been much more quiet than usual.

The photos which haven't been removed are a massive red flag. If he had moved on - or was trying to - he would have removed them.
Sorry, OP.

I wouldn’t even think to remove photos from social media. Everybody knows he was married, so what difference would it make to delete the pictures?

Does he normally buy his ex a gift? I don’t think I’d of hidden a gift out of view in my own home 🤔

Often your gut is right, so I’d listen to it if I was you, but in all honesty these scenarios don’t scream red flag to me.

You said his ex was upset that the present wasn't for her … I think she’ll be making a play to get him back.

That message came from him. I see it as a way to control OP by making her worry that he has other options.

Thanks all for your replies! @AlertCat thats what I was thinking. Why would he even mention it to me if it did indeed happen?

He’s went much more distant since then compared to his usual messaging so will see what happens.

It’s good to see your BS radar working well x

@AlertCat Hahah thanks, my bs radar is fully switched on now. Something is definitely off, he’s barely texting while he usually does all day long.

I’m meant to be seeing him later on so will update if anything happens. I have a gut feeling I’ll be getting dumped!

Well just a little update. We met up this evening and all was going well until his ex rang him up kicking off. He was lying to her where he was and I could hear her down the phone bad mouthing me. I told him it’s finished and made him leave.
Guess my gut was correct!

The above aren’t red flags to me anyway , as in the present, & still have photos on Facebook..
The phone call with Ex kicking off down the phone sounds like she’s not over him , he wasn’t honest with her as to where he was cause it clearly upsets her that he is involved with you ..
There is Drama there though, & that’s a balls when you’re in a new relationship …
What has been his reaction when you finished things ? . I don’t know , you’ll know if it’s right OP cause deep down , we always know …

He shouldn't have answered her call whilst on a date with you, that's unacceptable. I know he may have been worried about dc but obviously the ex is manipulating him and expects him to drop everything for her. What was his reaction to you ending it?

How do you feel about it all now @Lavenderbluex ?

Thanks all! He’s been messaging this morning saying how he’s really sorry and wants to be with me and that he will speak to the ex

Just makes me think something must have been going on between them for her to be kicking off over the phone. She was blowing up his phone with messages too. I wouldn’t have dreamt of ringing my XH up questioning where he was at that time unless we were still involved.

Also worries me how the hell she knows he was at mine. I just can’t be bothered with the drama. I’m tired enough lookong after my dc to be adding unnecessary stress to my life. Thanks all again for your replies xx

Morning OP ..
I understand you don’t want unnecessary stress & you are right , but it’s kind of unfair on him if he has an Ex wife that isn’t over him !..
It’s not likely there is something going on , they’d just be back together, she was his wife afterall , they have a child together , he is with you one year 🤷🏻‍♀️ ..
You come across in your posts though as very untrusting , & i’ll be honest , based on that factor alone, relationships may not be for you, & I’m saying that very nicely ..
Impossible to be with someone if you think everything that comes out of their mouth is a lie OP ….

Whether or not he’s over her, a year is too soon. For sure he’ll be carrying unprocessed emotional baggage.
And really, just focus on your kids. Most men are lazy though and won’t want to work on themselves. They just don’t want to be alone.

I really think you’re right. Both of my previous relationships ended in cheating (on their side) so I definitely have trust issues. I was happily single for a long time before so I think remaining single is for the best. xx

I’m sorry to hear that OP , obviously the aftermath of cheating partners is zero trust in men after that ..
Do you want to go it alone though, & never meet anyone? You can work on trust issues..
You can go for counselling….
It would be a shame to live out the rest of your life on your own if you enjoy male company due to being treated shabby by others in the past …x

He might be the type to still have a foot in the door of his previous relationship. My dc’s dad did this, unbeknownst to me at the time, and kept on telling me things his crazy possessive ex was doing and planning- but he would also do things like call her after he injured himself, and she went to look after him- we were seeing each other by this point and in hindsight I should have ended it then, because he was clearly stringing us both along. A few years later and I was the one in the relationship and the new woman was the one treading on my boundaries, obviously thinking that she had the right, because he was ‘with her’ but hadn’t ended things with me.

TL;DR @Lavenderbluex i think you’re doing the right thing, I think something is going on whether it’s an inconclusive ending or something more, but it’s going to create drama.

sorry but your the rebound for sure. X