Difficult behaviour at work - Aibu?

[ThePerkyCoralPoet]

I recently had to speak to a staff member (I’m their line manager) about meeting a deadline. the staff member is a bit tricky to handle bur he had a tough life card dealt lately and I eoll always ensure I regulate but they weee getting increasingly more rude with me when I was helping them. In response, they said, “Why are you being so miserable something wrong?” — said in a jokey tone but I wasn’t up for it. so I said okay I think I draw the line there I’m sorry. Let’s talk later with my line manager present as a third party.

Later, we had a meeting with SLT present. My line manager said to me, “Well you obviously know not to approach her at x time” and to the other staff member, “We don’t use that kind of terminology.”
So… basically both sides were “gently” told.

I calmly said:

“I found your comment unprofessional. I was explaining a deadline that was due, and helping you complete it. As your manager, I don’t think we have the kind of relationship where that kind of language is appropriate. Even though you later asked if I was okay, that didn’t undo the original comment. We need to show professionalism moving forward.”

Her reply…

“You mentioned your circumstances (which also are actually life or death major one) but you can’t use that as an excuse.”

I responded:

“It wasn’t an excuse. It was context. I just wasn’t in the best frame of mind.”

The meeting ended with my LM saying:
“Let’s not be a fragmented team. Comments were made on both sides. Let’s move on.”

But honestly, I feel alone in it all.
I
AIBU to think that not only was her behaviour completely unprofessional — but that the leadership response was pretty much like just deal with it too?

I then had another member of the senior team
xome in and laugh about the comment and also then call it a “little fight” I’m all for banter but I’m just getting p*ssed off. Like I know that I’m young but I’m not stupid and it’s how I feel.

Can anyone rationalise this one with me

Welcome to the world of SLT, although I do think you should just move on. I wouldn't have got your manager involved, either.

Only reason I did was because the other person spins narratives so as a third party just to be a witness to the conversation so nothing came back on me later. Do you feel I over reacted? Idk maybe I’m emotionally a bit unstable at the moment. I feel I handled everything with as little emotional cattiness as possible.

To clarify I made a spelling error in the post I meant * I have had a tough life card dealt with someone close to me in a life/death situation.

Sometimes, it’s best to use the repeat, rinse, repeat … We’re talking about the deadline, not me, so when do you think you’ll be able to get back on track? That sort of thing.

I think I just had an emotional snap of a reaction. I’ve never spoken to my line managers like that? Idk did I over react here

It was insubordination, but if SLT are taking it with a pinch of salt, there's not much more you can do. If the comment was made in a jokey manner, I'd let it go but monitor their interactions with you.

I think you're being over sensitive

They thought it was funny because they said it and backtracked and kept on saying “you’re a bit blunt and direct why are you so irritated” so essentially I said look I think that’s unprofessional I’m sorry I’ll speak with you and (my line manager name) and we can speak about this later.

idk I’m mentally drained the place is awful and I know if that was said to a member of slt. They wouldn’t be happy.

I still can't really work out what happened. She asked you why you were being miserable... Is that it? I'd have replied that I'm not being miserable, just factual, the deadline is X and we are concerned you won't meet it due to Y, then ask what support they need.

What did they say to you that you didn’t like? Sounds like you were irritated by each other. Just because you’re the manager doesn’t mean people can’t call you out.

Insubordination? It’s not the army, that’s not a thing at normal work places.

In all honesty, if it was me then I might be slightly irked but I wouldn’t let this take up any more of my headspace. Life’s too short.

I think the lesson for @ThePerkyCoralPoet here is not to take your personal shit to work. It may well be that there are things in personal life that affect the way one thinks, but that has to be left at home if you are in a leadership position. Unfortunately, being compassionate about the circumstances of someone in your team still needs to be prevalent.

Sucks to be a manager, but there it is.

Maybe try and sit down with the employee and speak to them to gain a deeper understanding of them and ask if there is anything that can be done to support them further, if they may have a disability maybe refer them to occupational health.

It's just a turn of phrase.

It does sound like you're in a really tricky situation, and I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all to feel frustrated. You were trying to do your job, set boundaries professionally, and you weren't met with much support. The reaction from others especially laughing it off would make anyone feel dismissed or undermined.
That said, one thing to consider (and I say this very gently) is whether the staff member might have an undiagnosed or unspoken disability, like autism spectrum disorder (ASD) or something similar. Sometimes what looks like “rudeness” or inappropriate comments can actually be someone struggling with social cues, emotional regulation, or anxiety under pressure. Obviously, this doesn’t excuse unprofessional behaviour, but it might help explain it and guide how you support them going forward.
As their line manager, you’re in a position to open up a conversation about reasonable adjustments, if that’s appropriate. You’re absolutely right it's part of your role to create space for that, and sometimes it means checking in with HR or Occupational Health if there’s a pattern of behaviour that seems linked to communication or interaction difficulties. It’s also okay to ask what helps them work best and whether any accommodations might make things smoother for everyone.
You’re not imagining the leadership’s response being a bit underwhelming, either. “Let’s just move on” only works if the root issue is actually addressed. It’s perfectly fair to ask for clearer support if this happens again or to ask for more formal mediation if needed.
You're doing your best in a tough spot and no, you're not being unreasonable to want more professionalism, support, and respect.

Yes, overreaction. This is the sort of thing I’d expect you to be able to nip in the bud and move on from quickly. As leadership, I wouldn’t be impressed being asked to come in on a meeting to deal with such a minor thing.

I have a family member who’s essentially dying and I had just seen him in a pretty much comatose state before work. Yea I need to be more aware that I leave that at the door. But I was really trying to help the staff member who is generally unprofessional in my opinion, often doesn’t complete tasks as per request, doesn’t perform their designated roles and responsibilities in the way we would expect as a team. 3 other members of staff had raised some issues around expectations on that same day. I know that I need to use common sense but I just felt like the staff member just doesn’t ever listen to anything and has seen me as someone they don’t want to like. I’ve tried and tried but they were being very difficult when I was explaining that if they can’t meet the deadline the procedure is x,y,z.

Maybe, yes, I need to think about how I act. But no, I think sometimes leadership need to be involved because there are so many things swept under the carpet because I feel unsupported. I just felt like I had no choice. I also wanted a 3rd party in the room just for back up as the staff member is inclined to manipulate or just go to HR.

Did you like my suggestion about occupational health? it could help

If they are consistently missing deadlines they should be on a formal performance plan. Start documenting your conversations so you have an audit trail.

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate so echo the suggestion of an Occupational Health referral and perhaps visit your GP too?

I think you over reacted to their comment
“Why are you being so miserable something wrong?”
There was no need to drag slt in. All you had to say was 'im fine, let get back to thos project' or 'no, I need to take 5' then gone for a walk or got a coffee

I spoke to someone in slt and mentioned that this happened before I even went to my line manager because I didn’t know what to do. There is a history of conflict among the team before I took it over so they are used to almost pushing people out or just making things purposely tricky

Where is the conflict? Someone asked you why you were miserable. You can answer that question factually and professionally without a manager.

You're showing how young and inexperienced you are.

I’m sorry things are difficult but your OP is very difficult to follow. Honestly you sound stressed and muddled - which can’t be helping with comms in the team.

You were very abrupt in wanting to take this to your line manager, it seems you want them to adjudicate on a squabble, which makes it look like you can’t cope with this arsy staff member.

it sounds like a shitty workplace, and you’re not in a great place to deal with dickheads. They may see you as someone not coping with the role though. Do you really want to continue in this workplace or in similar roles?

It’s usually the tone. And I’ve been managed by lots of people. I wouldn’t say it.