Difficult behaviour at work - Aibu?

[ThePerkyCoralPoet]

I recently had to speak to a staff member (I’m their line manager) about meeting a deadline. the staff member is a bit tricky to handle bur he had a tough life card dealt lately and I eoll always ensure I regulate but they weee getting increasingly more rude with me when I was helping them. In response, they said, “Why are you being so miserable something wrong?” — said in a jokey tone but I wasn’t up for it. so I said okay I think I draw the line there I’m sorry. Let’s talk later with my line manager present as a third party.

Later, we had a meeting with SLT present. My line manager said to me, “Well you obviously know not to approach her at x time” and to the other staff member, “We don’t use that kind of terminology.”
So… basically both sides were “gently” told.

I calmly said:

“I found your comment unprofessional. I was explaining a deadline that was due, and helping you complete it. As your manager, I don’t think we have the kind of relationship where that kind of language is appropriate. Even though you later asked if I was okay, that didn’t undo the original comment. We need to show professionalism moving forward.”

Her reply…

“You mentioned your circumstances (which also are actually life or death major one) but you can’t use that as an excuse.”

I responded:

“It wasn’t an excuse. It was context. I just wasn’t in the best frame of mind.”

The meeting ended with my LM saying:
“Let’s not be a fragmented team. Comments were made on both sides. Let’s move on.”

But honestly, I feel alone in it all.
I
AIBU to think that not only was her behaviour completely unprofessional — but that the leadership response was pretty much like just deal with it too?

I then had another member of the senior team
xome in and laugh about the comment and also then call it a “little fight” I’m all for banter but I’m just getting p*ssed off. Like I know that I’m young but I’m not stupid and it’s how I feel.

Can anyone rationalise this one with me

The role yes. The place probably not much longer because I feel like I’m wrong. I’ve seen other LM conflicts in other teams with staff saying they want different team leads etc or they can’t talk to one another. Staff who just are outright rude.

my line manager took me aside after and kindly asked how I was. They Said it could be linked to the fact both went for a role and I took it so it’s just anger from them about it. The manager reassured me they can see I am here and making sure I get everything done to the best I can. I just know that breaking down shows a chink in my armour and now I look weak and unable to do my job

this could be undiagnosed or undeclared neurodiversity, have you suggested an OH referral yet?

For the staff member. Yes and it’s not been taken well. The conversation has already happened.

im all for people saying silly things, we all do, but please just understanding we’re also humans and things happen outside of work. Was all I asked for. Maybe I’m just a useless individual.

You undermined yourself by running to your manager and needing a witness to have a fairly standard conversation with a direct report. You now look weak and this person will be acutely aware of that.

Maybe I should. I would never use it as an excuse at all. Ever. I just find the staff member to be less than helpful. So they add to my workload and I was probably being more direct with them than I should have but I didn’t swear or scream. Just blunt. Like xyz needs doing. But when the comment was made. That’s when I said. Right I find that very unprofessional when you’re aware of my circumstances. Please can you think about what you’re saying. We can reconvene at the end of the day and I’ll have my line manager there too.

maybe I’ve failed the team as a manager. Idk.

You should have said there and then that the tone was unprofessional, now we'll carry on the conversation about the deadline.

Shut them down and get to the point.

I feel like by saying ‘I feel alone with it all’ you wanted the senior manager to side with you? It sounds like you had a mediated conversation and the only thing that manager was allowed to do was to facilitate the conversation between the two of you and their response ‘you both said some things let’s move on’ was enough in that situation.

I wouldn’t give this any more of your headspace. It was a shitty conversation, but it’s done now - hopefully she gets the message not to ‘banter’ with you.

Right I find that very unprofessional when you’re aware of my circumstances. Please can you think about what you’re saying. We can reconvene at the end of the day and I’ll have my line manager there too

Your circumstances shouldn't be coming into it. That's made you sound unreasonable and immature. Have you had any leadership training? A better reply would be:

"Please don't use that tone, I'm not trying to be miserable, I'm trying to find out what support you need to achieve the deadline of X".

OP, coffeeandmycats thinks everyone should litigate at every opportunity. Please don’t take their advice, it will ruin your professional reputation.

I never suggested litigation I suggested support.

People management doesn’t get easier. Your manager handled it perfectly (saying there were comments said on both sides and not actually taking sides).

If your role as a manager is to make sure your staff member is meeting a deadline and you know they are flaky, you need to coach them, document, organise meetings (where is the project at questions), and advise of timeframes. If it is continuous then they potentially go on a performance plan.

It sounds as though the conversation got emotional and caught on personal matters and instead of accepting that managers can also show vulnerability, you lectured your staff member and hauled them up in front of a senior manager who probably has limited time. It doesn’t look good. I wouldn’t dwell though or say you are a terrible manger to yourself (negative self-talk won’t help), learn from it and move forward.

I am sorry for your sad news 💐