Fair? Dc and private school

[gotellsomeone]

5dc, plan was to have them all at local state primary and then move to a private for secondary school. We thought that private at primary level would be a waste of money, were happy with our state primary that was 5 minute walk away and thought it would be less pressure, we didn’t look at private alternatives.
DSD and DD1 have already done this. DD2 just has y6 to go.

DS3 is going into Y4 and really struggling and we feel his school are really letting him down. Having gone and looked at a private primary we think it would be the best option for him. Looking back and having seen this other options, can see it would have been beneficial for all our dc.

DD4 hasn’t started school but if we moved DS to private then we would want to put her in the same school meaning she’ll be entirely privately educated. I don’t think we would move dd2 because she’s happy and settled with her friends and only has a year left.

Would we be unreasonable to do this? Is it fair?
Would younger to be getting a massive advantage that oldest could resent?

Are the older children at state or private secondary?

What's 'fair' is that they all have parents who love them equally.

Would it be 'fair' to keep DS in a school he is struggling in when your older DC's didn't struggle in the same way?

They don't need to receive exactly the same for it to be 'fair'.

Different children different choices
we have twins - one in private (Sen needs) the other in a local school who wanted to be in local school over private. He likes being able to walk to school / have local friends

They are at a private secondary. They went to state primary.

As long as you can still afford support the older ones through university, I think it’s fine. The divide is based on need, and doesn’t only apply to the step child.

DS definitely needs to move schools, his needs are different.

what about our youngest though? no signs that she would struggle in state school. She’s bright and sociable and would probably do fine.

if you are making the educated choice to put them somewhere they will be happier then fair is irrelevant. The better question (for me), is it fair to leave my child somewhere they are not happy when I know there is a better alternative?
Your youngest may be happier at state school all the way through - this is not yet a problem. One of the benefits of private is normally that they are open earlier or later allowing multiple drop offs.

I guess this also an issue. They are both in lower secondary so haven’t really discussed uni yet other than we would support them. We would still be able to support them but I don’t know how much, and 2 more private school fees would obviously leave us with less money for dc in general.

Equity not equality. Everyone's needs are different. It's fair to meet individual needs.

I don’t think it matters - if it makes your life easier to send the youngest to private school do that. If not, don’t.

I know people whose adult children are the most insufferable brats about ‘fairness’ and who gets what and how much. Me and my brother wouldn’t bat an eyelid if my parents chose to give something to one of us that the other didn’t receive.

Do what you think is best for each of them at any given point in time (within your means) and stamp on any complaints about anything not being fair if they come along. Your kids should all be grateful to have a loving home (not to mention that they are clearly very financially privileged vs an average child).

Where is the unfairness if they oldest are in private secondary ?

is it cause they went to state for primary ? If you think that’s unfair be prepared for an entitled attitude coming your way soon!

I think the best answer is to send the youngest to state primary as you did the older children and only move the one who’s struggling (going into year 4). Then, for your youngest child, address the deficits in the state primary education that you have now identified by, for example, hiring tutors and music teachers or joining them to sports clubs - which will set them up well for a private secondary school education.

It's fine - you have given them an incredible start in life.

Why can’t you keep DD4 in state until secondary which was your original plan or have you now discovered all would have benefited from private primary and now feel bad about keeping DD4 at state?

If sending two children private is going to limit the financial choices of your older dcs then I would only send your son private, start your youngest at state and see how it pans out.

If sending two children private is going to limit the financial choices of your older dcs then I would only send your son private, start your youngest at state and see how it pans out.

I think it would be fair in these circumstance. I’d give your DD2 the option of moving but can imagine she wouldn’t want to if she’s going into year 6.

I'd try looking at a different state primary first

Equity and equality are not the same thing - it's about need and how you can best meet the needs of a child who is struggling. Putting a price tag on that is not only unhelpful but also not representative of the impact that a private education could have in terms of improving your child's life and I say this as someone who dislikes the two tier system. Look around for alternatives for your struggling child - including state primary - and determine which you think will work best for him, knowing the issues he is experiencing and what he would need to feel happier and more comfortable. You can't put a price on that.

We could and she could be fine. But yes now we have seen the private primary and love it, as well as being disappointed in the local state, if we were moving ds then we would like her to be there too.
it’s also easier to have kids in the same schools

The only other ones close by aren’t great. Ranked good or requiring improvement by ofsted when current is outstanding and friends with children in these schools aren’t impressed.

It doesn't matter where your older kids are - every child has different needs, so if you think the private is more suitable for some of them and you can afford it, then you do it. It's nothing to do with the other kids if they are happy in their schools.
Adult kids always find a reason to resent you, no matter what you do. But they will all be in a private secondary, anyway, right? So they won't really have a right to moan.

The thing with Ofsted the ranking ...
It doesn't give the full picture of a school.
Having lived in our area for 25 years it changes which schools outstanding and which is good on a regular basis.there is usually one needs improving too.
But generally the schools don't change much
Personally I would go and visit the state primarys you could get to ,and look to switch him there with your youngest daughter.
Totally agree private is best for secondary
But I don't think primary is worth the money,if it leaves less money for helping out at uni

Sounds like the older 2 had a good primary school experience, so I don't see the issue. I'd probably move the younger 2 to private and subsequently start the youngest there too.

In reality I can't afford private school for even my one child, they generally look lovely though, so there are minimum negatives to them all going.

The maintenance loans for university are worked out on parents income so to a certain extent you have to financially support them if they want to go. The minimum loan (if parental income is over 65k) is around 4.8k I think these days. Accommodation alone can be between 5-12k a year depending on uni. Even if your dc work alongside uni, I’d they only get the minimum loan it would be very difficult to do without parental financial support.

I would try moving the younger kids to different state schools first. Or just move DS to a private primary and start the younger dd off in a state school.