Fair? Dc and private school

[gotellsomeone]

5dc, plan was to have them all at local state primary and then move to a private for secondary school. We thought that private at primary level would be a waste of money, were happy with our state primary that was 5 minute walk away and thought it would be less pressure, we didn’t look at private alternatives.
DSD and DD1 have already done this. DD2 just has y6 to go.

DS3 is going into Y4 and really struggling and we feel his school are really letting him down. Having gone and looked at a private primary we think it would be the best option for him. Looking back and having seen this other options, can see it would have been beneficial for all our dc.

DD4 hasn’t started school but if we moved DS to private then we would want to put her in the same school meaning she’ll be entirely privately educated. I don’t think we would move dd2 because she’s happy and settled with her friends and only has a year left.

Would we be unreasonable to do this? Is it fair?
Would younger to be getting a massive advantage that oldest could resent?

Don’t torture yourself. What’s right for one might not be right for another. The school may have changed over time, too. Plus, what works for one has to work for the whole family: there’s no point having the two youngest in different schools in the name of “fairness” if one or both are constantly late or unable to do extra curricular stuff because of the logistics of having them in different places at the same time.

The key is how you talk to your children about this. Get it all straight in your heads and then explain it to them when/if the question comes up. It’ll only be an issue if you make it an issue. You are doing the best you can for each individual and for the collective. When there are five of them, each individual child will not get what they need at all points. That’s just life as one of 5.

If your DS3 would is struggling where he is and you can afford to move him, then it's worth doing. For your younger daughter, I wouldn't tear yourselves up about 'fairness' really. It sounds like the older girls had a good primary experience, and children inevitably won't have the exact same childhood when they're different ages - they'll live in different houses at different points, they'll have more or fewer older siblings to guide them and play with them, they'll have more or less of your sole time.

It would feel pedantic for your older children to be sensitive about who spent longer in private education, when you can explain that at each stage you made the choices you felt were best for each of your children. Also, it might be nice for your DS to not feel self-conscious about being the only one you felt needed private education at primary, and it's often easier to have the children at the same school (once the year 6 has finished primary). Ultimately though, it's up to you.

The point about support with university is a good one though - I'd try to budget to be able to get all of the children up to the maximum student maintenance loan amount at least. They won't necessarily need that much (e.g. if they work part time while studying) but on some courses the opportunities for paid work are limited due to class hours etc. so it's playing on the safe side a bit to know you can afford it.

It would be unfair to put one in private education and not the rest. School isn’t always fun and you need to exhaust options/talk to the teacher as moving him at this age will be very unsettling even if he’s not hugely happy at school at the moment.

I am always surprised when people think that "fairness" as amongst their children means giving them the exact same experiences in terms of education and family life. It's impossible. Life moves on, schools change, logistics get in the way. My younger child will have very different life experiences in many respects from my older one, just because our circumstances are different and our family life has evolved. Some better, some worse.

You can't make everything equal for your children. All you can do is try to make sure each child has a good education that suits their particular needs (with the resources available to you at the time) and that each child knows they are important, cherished and heard. I'm sure they will have their minor grievances when they're grown up, but all you can do is apologise and say you tried your best.

Maybe this comes from living in an urban area where there are lots of state schools and private schools, a Catholic school, a Church of England school and otherwise a boys and girls state senior option with a mixed sixth form on a different campus. Private schools are generally single sex - a highly (excessively imo) academic boys school, a highly academic girls school. Also a mixed private with a reputation for being nurturing and good for SEN. Grammar schools further out that we're just in catchment for, so some children are bussed or take the train to those. Primary catchments are tiny - the end of the street is too far for our nearest school, once religious priority has been taken into account. They've just removed sibling priority to prevent people getting one child in, moving and "shoe-horning" the rest in.

The result of this complete schools minefield is that it's rare around us for siblings to attend the same schools, at least after primary. A family with both boys and girls will almost certainly have kids at two schools, whether state or private. The boys secondary was terrible but is now on the up, the girls secondary was good but apparently now has bullying issues. Our neighbours have moved their older DD private because of this, but have kept the younger one there as she's happy. Other friends sent their older boy private, but the younger one wanted to go state with his friends so they're doing that. It's really not a big deal. If it suits you to have the two youngest at the same school, and the older ones won't be materially deprived by you paying the extra fees, then that's what works best for your family. And it's ok to hold your hands up and say "Hey! I'm the one running round facilitating all you lot. And actually my life will be a lot easier with one less school run."

I have spoken to teachers and exhausted options. It would be much more unsettling to him to keep him there.

I agree. Don't keep an unhappy child in a school that's not working for them.

Imagine if you were absolutely miserable in a job, didn't get on with your co-workers, kept getting put on disciplinaries for things that didn't make sense to you and were fed the message the whole time that you were a problem and failing. What would you say if someone told you to stick it out for another 3 years?

Agreed. Fairness is giving them each the school/situation they are happy in.

Yes put your son in private. But I don’t think that necessarily means the youngest needs to go private too unless the school run becomes problematic?
My older sister and I went to state school. My younger sister went to a private one. Didn’t matter at all to us.
But do consider how you are prepared to help your children should they go to university. I’m assuming your income is such that they will only get minimum maintenance loan, and if they aren’t living at home in most instances this will require you to financially contribute. My Dads uni halls were £10k, next year not far off as it’s 52 weeks. Plus food and other expenses. There are ways for the student to help: a gap year to save up for example. Do not rely on term time jobs as the course may not support this and competition is high, but summer jobs are usually available. Definitely something to think and plan fir now.

So we are in a similar(ish) position. Older two did state primary and now private seniors. Youngest DC has moved to private this year. Few reasons, the primary school they all attended was going downhill, our finances are better than they were a couple of years ago and DC has some issues which his state school dismissed.

I sometimes feel guilty because I can see how much 'extra' youngest is getting compared to the older two during primary. He's also going to have an easier transition to seniors. I know on one level we've always done what's best within the circumstances for DC but that circumstances change so the kids won't always get exactly the same. It doesn't stop you feeling guilty but what can you do?

@gotellsomeone

what i would do is move DS to the private school, get youngest to start at local school and see how she gets on.
if she is fine like her sisters she stays, if she isnt she moves like her brother.

fair is about recognising that each child different and needs different support system in place to reach full potential.

unfair would be to move all but DSD, or to support through uni for some and not others, etc.

move your son and dont give it a secind thought. I would say exactly that to the oldests.

This is why I'd start youngest in state. It doesn't sound like you really understand how expensive uni will be, you will need to provide a fair bit of support. It might be a sensitive issue if you can't support DSD at uni because you decided your youngest joint child deserved a better education.

Maybe OP is in Scotland where uni is free

My friend's brothers all went to private prep school and she went to state, it was how the family did things, the girls did not go. I think the key thing is to big up/be sure of the advantages of the state provision, for her it was doing something special on a Saturday morning with her parents when the boys were at school (and they had to do sport most Saturday afternoons), the fact she could have friends round after school for tea (they didn't get home till 5ish), etc., she absolutely thinks it was the right choice for her.

The main objective for us, of private junior school, was to give DC every opportunity to get in to a private Senior school. Your older DC have achieved that ‘objective’ of getting into private Senior without needing the private Junior. It would be churlish of them to now take issue with your younger DC having more years at private.

Eldest two went to private secondary, youngest went to private from 6 years old as state primary was not meeting his needs. All scholarships as not well off, if that's relevant, but I've never heard any of them complain that it was 'unfair'.........heard them complain other things were unfair like who got the last pack of crisps or whose turn it was on video game😂 but never that! You do what is best for each child with the resources you have available to you, they are all different with different needs and as adults they understand that themselves🤷‍♀️

If they are all going to private secondary then I don't think it matters too much.

I guess this also an issue. They are both in lower secondary so haven’t really discussed uni yet other than we would support them. We would still be able to support them but I don’t know how much, and 2 more private school fees would obviously leave us with less money for dc in general.

That changes things a bit as the gov expects you support them....

I know people whose adult children are the most insufferable brats about ‘fairness’ and who gets what and how much. Me and my brother wouldn’t bat an eyelid if my parents chose to give something to one of us that the other didn’t receive.

That's nonsense though because parental support makes such a difference. I would be upset if my parents gave one sibling 100k for a house deposit but nothing to me.

I'd knock this thinking on its head.

If any child of mine wanted to pick holes in my parenting decisions because of financials and how much is spent on each of them I'd be furious and depressed. And it would really call into question what sort of education that money had bought them.

You do for each child the best for them and their needs as and when you can, with the resources you have. Those resources may not just be money but also time and transport. Comprises will always have to be made to function as a family.

All of my siblings and I had completely different levels of support through our education, including uni and post graduate studies. All of us moved home at various points for different lengths of time. Luckily none of us kept tabs and notes.

All of my siblings and I had completely different levels of support through our education, including uni and post graduate studies. All of us moved home at various points for different lengths of time. Luckily none of us kept tabs and notes.

I know a fair few families where the boys were sent private & the girls to the local comp. Of course some of those girls are resentful, I would be!

If you can afford it, go for it! Send your younger kids to private primary. I certainly would if I could afford it.

I would have no qualms about this. You have to do what’s right for each child at the time, with the means you have.

They are all very lucky to have the private experience anyways.

Being able to provide a happy and well rounded childhood is more important than saving for uni. If childhood is messed up the rest of his life will be a challenge.

Well if it's based on straight forward sexism, then that's a different set of scales (and there'll be a lot more issues in that family group than where they went to school too I'd guess)

But a sibling attending an independent specialist provision because of their specific disability, or a sibling 10 years younger than their siblings and the parents now work full time and are often away so they board where the others were day puoils, or one child doing 3 years at uni, one doing a 5 year degree and another not going for eg are all just the way the cookie crumbles in families.

It gets a bit ridiculous otherwise. Do younger siblings tot up that they missed out on the holidays their families went on before they were born?

We put ours into private at different times in their journey according to need. I didn’t think anything of it tbh. Our first flourished in state primary, our second didn’t.

@FingleGlen obviously there is nuance that's why I think it's stupid to say that no one should be upset by what one sibling gets.

One if my siblings is extremely resentful that I went to a private secondary school and she didn't. She didn't pass the entrance exam. I didn't realise how much until she brought it up recently, aged 55!