Patriarchy and marriage, how do you do it?

[Cdu2021]

I want to get external opinions and see if I am being unreasonable.

Having previously held several stressful jobs with long hours, I quit my job last year and I am now at home looking after my 6 and 4 year olds (who both go to school). We are in a very lucky financial position where we could afford for me not to go back to work. My husband has a demanding, stressful job with long hours and travels fairly often.

However, my husband's attitude is killing me. I have always done about 80% of all the housework / childcare and general mental load management, even when I was in busy jobs. That is probably why I found it so hard to juggle all the demands. My husband was on board with me quitting as he could see how overwhelmed I was.

Right now, logically, I do pretty much 100% of housework and childcare etc. But my husband now seems to have this vague notion that it is completely normal, and that his sleep and needs are somehow superior to mine because I don't work. He never phrased it in this way, but for example, he will often sleep in on Sundays, have a nap after lunch and leave all clearing up to me, and go for a walk and disappear when it's dinner time and bedtime. He won't get up in the night if the children wake up, and he won't get them up and ready in the mornings. He used to be like that sometimes, but now it's like he can justify it to himself because he's the only one in a really stressful busy job.

I guess I feel I'm screwed either way: if I have a job, I am still doing the vast majority of housework (although my husband never recognised that), and if I don't work, it feels like I am here to accommodate his needs (sleeping, resting) and cannot in any way ask him to do a bit more at home without him telling me, well, why don't you go find yourself a big job and I'll stay at home? But I know I wouldn't want that, and I suspect he wouldn't like it or cope with housework without me hand holding him.

Also, his mum is very much of the mindset that women were put on earth to be caring and look after everyone, so there's definitely an element I recognise here (and hate).

AIBU?

If I understand your opening post @Cdu2021 you are not in paid employment and are a stay at home mum? Your husband is in paid employment?

Therefore, his 'job' is to be rested and refreshed enough to get to work on time, and to keep a roof over all your heads, put food on your table and to ensure everyone is kept warm, safe, fed and dressed - all bills being paid. This is all down to him. He has no choice, even if he hates his stressful job. It is an onerous burden to know you are the only one with this responsibility ... but one he fulfils because he loves his wife and family.

Your 'job' is to keep house and home: shepherding the children, to ensure they are well nourished, get to school on time, etc. To keep the house clean and tidy to your own standards. To do the shopping and meal preparation. And, yes, getting up in the night with the children! You, at least, can pull in a power-nap during the day. This option is not open to your partner.

A stay at home parent is a 24 hour a day job on the days the other parent is going out to earn the crust. Other days, there can be a division of labour - each according to their skills and sharing other 'jobs'.

It is not a case of 'patriarchy', but more, supporting each other in the current given roles. Your current role is 'home maker and domestic goddess', his role is 'hunter gatherer and protector'. Both roles different, both roles complementary.

our agreement is that when we are both in the house together, housework/childcare is shared.

I do lots when he is at work but when we are together, we share