Overstimulated? Too old? Normal?

[Overwhelmedandunderfed]

Okay. I have changed my username because I’ve posted about something else in the last 24hrs and for some reason some people like to berate you for that.

Background: I am 45, I have twins that are 8 and one is autistic. He is such hard work it’s hard to even describe, he moans about everything. He went to bed last night crying that he was too hot and woke me up this morning crying that he was too cold, he cried when I picked him up from school that he couldn’t have a friend over, he moaned when his sister touched his toy etc etc etc, I’m sure you get the drift!

My question though is this: Does anyone else get completely overwhelmed (I’m not sure if that’s the right term) when someone comes to visit? My Mum is lovely but she visited after school today for 2 hours and I just cannot deal with all the things that are harder when someone else is here. Having to make conversation, make a hot drink, wash extra cups. Anyone that visits always brings ‘stuff’ like treats for the kids and I know that’s really kind but I’m sat there the whole time desperate to start tidying away because otherwise it becomes a big job after the kids have gone to bed and to be honest I’m exhausted by then. I do little bits like washing the cups so that I don’t look rude but so things don’t pile up but the whole time I’m on edge.

I don’t know if it’s because I’m older or if it’s because of my son being so demanding or if I’m autistic or just a complete weirdo! I can completely accept that of course family need to visit and of course nothing they are doing is out of order in any way shape or form but after about half an hour I feel like I’ve entered a completely different headspace. My Mum accepted her dinner from my OH today because he started cooking for us when he got home (this is not the norm and it’s only because it’s an outdoor thing), it started raining so I had to bring the washing in quickly and I was wanting to bring the furniture in and and she’s sat there completely oblivious to how stressed out I am. I also then feel guilty that I’m not sat chatting with her but if I let my washing and furniture get wet I would have even more to do tomorrow 🥲 It’s worse when anyone has the kids overnight (I don’t ask anyone to babysit, I actually prefer them at home because there’s always a problem with my son and sometimes I have to go and get him from their houses because he can’t settle) and they come back with all their stuff plus extra things they’ve accrued overnight and I’m itching for them to leave so I can get the tablets back on charge, the clothes in the washer and the crap they’ve bought in the bin (day old food that was on a yellow label etc)

And then everyone is always ‘leaving’ for like a half an hour aren’t they? My Mum said three times today ‘I’m going after this’ she eventually left but remembered she’d left her milk in my fridge so came back, disrupted the kids and was another 10 minutes before she left. My OH did something similar last night so I said to him ‘why doesn’t anyone just leave in a timely fashion? I would rather call at the shop and re-buy the milk than come back and disrupt someone when they’ve hosted me for two hours, fed and watered me.’

It’s not just my Mum, I feel this way about all visitors. I don’t know when these feelings started but it hasn’t always been like this. I think on a deeper level I resent my routine being disrupted if I’m being honest and that’s not normal is it? I try not to show anyone I feel this way and I’m pretty sure I don’t otherwise they wouldn’t visit I’m sure.

Have you read quiet by Susan cain. You sound introverted. You recharge with peace and quiet. You use up a lot of energy with your twins so when you have visitors you are running low. I get like this sometimes too.

There's nothing wrong with you OP and there's every chance you're autistic yourself if you have an autistic child.

You're never too old to become overstimulated though, whether you're ND yourself or not. Sometimes our pressure cookers just don't empty and we're always bubbling near the surface.

I think unexpected guests are usually always more stressful than the ones you've prepared for. Especially on an evening when we need to get things sorted for the next day.

90% of autistic children will have at least one autistic parent.

I’ll have a look at that thanks. I was always a huge extrovert, really a bit of a show off tbh but now I just crave peace.

Agree with pp, however would also like to add that you sound a bit highly strung. Are you always like this? When we have visitors/guests all effort at tidying is put on hold, we just accept the chaos and enjoy the visit! I am definitely not thinking about cups or toys etc. The kids are having fun, I'm enjoying the company. But I'm also tbe type to be like "I need to get the washing in come keep me company" and then we either do it together or I chat with them while doing the job. Maybe you need to dial it back a little while you have guests. Housework can wait, enjoy those visits while you can x

Thank you

I’m not offended, I do have a lot going on tbh so yes probably am a bit highly strung. We have the OH’s parents once a week and then my Mum on top of work and parenting an autistic child. I try to keep fit because I used to be morbidly obese so that’s now a non negotiable. It all feels like too much! I can sometimes relax when we have visitors but I do know it’s becoming a problem. I think I I might need to see my GP.

Do you find it’s worse at that time of day? The after school, pre tea time hours?
Cos that is the absolute worst time for me. I am so tried and so overstimulated at the time, there is so much going on at the most drained time.
Esp worse since hitting peri menopause.
I’m not ND.

You sound overwhelmed generally. I’ve felt like you in times of my life when I’ve had a huge amount on my plate (including having childhood trauma). The tiniest thing can be really annoying.

Look up ‘PTSD stress cups’ - it’s a little analogy to show how we all have a certain tolerance for stress (a bucket) and when you’re full up, any little stressor can tip you over into overwhelm (overflowing bucket).

I think the introvert/extrovert thing is a bit of a myth tbh. I used to identify heavily with being an introvert but with hindsight I was just so full up with giving time and headspace etc to other people that I was in desperate need of time to myself. Everyone needs time to themselves and time with others. When you’ve got things in balance and recognise your need for both things, you might not identify with being one or the other anymore.

You could think about how you express yourself too. Would there have been anything wrong with saying to your mum, ‘I’m feeling really overwhelmed right now. The washing and furniture are about to get wet, could you give me a hand bringing them in please?’

Also I’m not sure if you’re saying you felt wrong about your OH cooking dinner? Theres nothing wrong with this! Could you be overwhelmed partly because you’re judging yourself against a certain idea of what you ‘should’ be doing all round? E.g. you should be able to give your mum full attention while keeping house while watching the kids etc? You have so much in your head - be kind to yourself about it! Maybe bring some awareness to this imaginary standard you have about being a great host as well as doing everything you need to do. Maybe people are just happy to hang around with you and help you out? Maybe it’s okay to say, ‘actually Mum, not today, see you another time’?

Maybe it’s not ‘normal’ to not want your routine disrupted (what’s normal anyway?), but maybe right now your routine gives you an anchor and some certainty in the midst of having a lot on your plate. There’s nothing wrong with that.

I would agree GP is probably a good shout. I get into funks like this all the time it's awful. I have a really hard work 2yo and a colic 3 month old. I have been extremely overwhelmed lately, and irritable, and sharp, and probably unpleasant to be around 🫣 but I'm trying to get back to the mindset I was before all the added stress! I wish you luck OP x

It’s the getting home from school until everyone is fed and I’ve washed up and tidied around part that’s the worst for me yes 😭

I’m crying. You’ve hit the nail on the head x

I think that’s very normal! I sometimes even get annoyed/overwhelmed if someone PHONES me in those hours let alone shows up unannounced.
As a PP said, I don’t think it’s unusual to not want your routine disrupted especially if you have lots on your plate!

You probably needed that! Let it out 😊

Agree. I’s a great book and well worth reading if you haven’t. Makes you feel like less of a weirdo if you’re not energised by interacting with people.

When I’m not at work my OH rings me on every break, I’ve asked him not to but he will listen occasionally and then unless I specifically say ‘don’t call me at lunch’ he rings. I do say ‘I’m really busy’ but I’m such a people pleaser and hate hurting people’s feelings. Today I was up a ladder painting and he still rang me (he knew) telling my story is making me realise that I’m expecting too much of myself end need to say no to the people taking too much of my time and energy.

That’s exactly the conclusion that most of my friends of the same age are coming to. Oestrogen is the people pleasing hormone… it’s declining!

Oh, off to good oestrogen levels in a 45 year old 😂

When I’m not at work my OH rings me on every break, I’ve asked him not to but he will listen occasionally and then unless I specifically say ‘don’t call me at lunch’ he rings. I do say ‘I’m really busy’ but I’m such a people pleaser and hate hurting people’s feelings.

Well that sounds completely exhausting - you’ve got a OH who’s very hungry for attention. I would have a serious chat with him about how he’s hurting you. What’s he asking from you on all these calls? I would imagine it’s things like company, reassurance, a sounding board, advice? (Because there’s not that many emergencies in a day!) Can you make him aware that you don’t have the bandwidth to be attending to his needs all the time and that he needs to figure out how to help himself or some alternative ways to get his emotional needs met?

You have the option to ignore your phone, which I realise is difficult if guilt crops up. So how to address the guilt? Notice it, let it crop up, notice where you feel it in your body, (maybe it’s tension in your stomach or a heavy feeling on your shoulders - see what it feels like for you), reassure yourself that it’s safe to feel it, and watch the sensation pass. It likely will pass within a minute. When you do this over and over, gradually the guilt doesn’t crop up anymore.

Nah, if anything it's worse being at someone else's house knowing I have to travel back and sort out my stuff after.

In my own house, I do little bits to tidy up as I go along, just like hosts do in their own houses whenever I visit. I get the company and the fun but don't get behind on "stuff".

I’m only 36 and have an autistic 19 year old.
When she was your kids age I was so overwhelmed by absolutely everything, she was incredibly hard work, still can be now but as she’s got older she’s worked out coping mechanisms.
I would literally ignore the front door during the times we were in the height of meltdowns and shit days x

I could have written this myself. I’m also 45 and have 3 autistic sons, youngest is 9. I’m finding it very hard not to get overwhelmed at the moment. I think I may also be ND, it would explain so much (especially my childhood) and I have heard that perimenopause can be even harder if you are ND as the traits become more prominent during menopause (heightened emotional dysregulation and sensory difficulties etc). I am a control freak and hate my routine being disrupted at the best of times, so I am constantly on edge at the moment. So sorry, no advice but I do know how you feel x

This is like I am writing this myself!! I am you, you are me! Lol. I’ve always beat myself up about being this way. It’s nice to read it isn’t just me.

Do you get much time to rest and recharge? Even an hour esch evening where you are not interrupted?

I hate dealing with personal calls, anything, when I am at work. It is so busy and you need your break to eat/do nothing..

Could ypu set aside some time at dinner, evening
to talk to DH so he is not ringing.

I know it is the constsnt busyness when dcs are that age and challenging. If you stop tidying etc for even an hour the house gets out of conttol. Dcs taking out things and making a mess

Do you make your feelings clear? It’s a bit unfair to expect your mum to guess what to do if you don’t tell her?