Overstimulated? Too old? Normal?

[Overwhelmedandunderfed]

Okay. I have changed my username because I’ve posted about something else in the last 24hrs and for some reason some people like to berate you for that.

Background: I am 45, I have twins that are 8 and one is autistic. He is such hard work it’s hard to even describe, he moans about everything. He went to bed last night crying that he was too hot and woke me up this morning crying that he was too cold, he cried when I picked him up from school that he couldn’t have a friend over, he moaned when his sister touched his toy etc etc etc, I’m sure you get the drift!

My question though is this: Does anyone else get completely overwhelmed (I’m not sure if that’s the right term) when someone comes to visit? My Mum is lovely but she visited after school today for 2 hours and I just cannot deal with all the things that are harder when someone else is here. Having to make conversation, make a hot drink, wash extra cups. Anyone that visits always brings ‘stuff’ like treats for the kids and I know that’s really kind but I’m sat there the whole time desperate to start tidying away because otherwise it becomes a big job after the kids have gone to bed and to be honest I’m exhausted by then. I do little bits like washing the cups so that I don’t look rude but so things don’t pile up but the whole time I’m on edge.

I don’t know if it’s because I’m older or if it’s because of my son being so demanding or if I’m autistic or just a complete weirdo! I can completely accept that of course family need to visit and of course nothing they are doing is out of order in any way shape or form but after about half an hour I feel like I’ve entered a completely different headspace. My Mum accepted her dinner from my OH today because he started cooking for us when he got home (this is not the norm and it’s only because it’s an outdoor thing), it started raining so I had to bring the washing in quickly and I was wanting to bring the furniture in and and she’s sat there completely oblivious to how stressed out I am. I also then feel guilty that I’m not sat chatting with her but if I let my washing and furniture get wet I would have even more to do tomorrow 🥲 It’s worse when anyone has the kids overnight (I don’t ask anyone to babysit, I actually prefer them at home because there’s always a problem with my son and sometimes I have to go and get him from their houses because he can’t settle) and they come back with all their stuff plus extra things they’ve accrued overnight and I’m itching for them to leave so I can get the tablets back on charge, the clothes in the washer and the crap they’ve bought in the bin (day old food that was on a yellow label etc)

And then everyone is always ‘leaving’ for like a half an hour aren’t they? My Mum said three times today ‘I’m going after this’ she eventually left but remembered she’d left her milk in my fridge so came back, disrupted the kids and was another 10 minutes before she left. My OH did something similar last night so I said to him ‘why doesn’t anyone just leave in a timely fashion? I would rather call at the shop and re-buy the milk than come back and disrupt someone when they’ve hosted me for two hours, fed and watered me.’

It’s not just my Mum, I feel this way about all visitors. I don’t know when these feelings started but it hasn’t always been like this. I think on a deeper level I resent my routine being disrupted if I’m being honest and that’s not normal is it? I try not to show anyone I feel this way and I’m pretty sure I don’t otherwise they wouldn’t visit I’m sure.

Can definitely relate to this - I’m autistic and just had a baby, unless it’s my parents visiting, I feel like I’m performing the whole entire time, anxious about what others will think about everything I do and say. That includes my in-laws who are lovely and certainly wouldn’t judge and our good friend/neighbour. But it sounds extra tough with an autistic kid and having disruptions to your routine OP.

I just want to thank you for posting this.

I said this the other day to someone so they didn’t come round and they didn’t get this.

I find my busiest time of day is between 3pm and 730pm.

I do one possibly two pick ups. Get home, give a baby the bottle, feed the oldest two, feed the baby, clean up, get everyone in their pjs, do homework and try and get a baby to nap (who either likes a contact nap or wants to be on the bed next to me or wakes up). As well as baby bottles, doing something with the older kids and running round catching up with the mess the older ones are making. And then it’s bedtime

Honestly trying to entertain anyone (because most of our visitors don’t really help with tea or tidying or the baby- which is fine) but it just makes the whole situation feel even more stressful and like there’s no time.

I’ve honestly been made to feel like I’m crazy for even thinking that way

Oh love, I know what you mean. You have to keep on top of everything because if you dont the list of things is just so big. Especially with an ND kid because extra things pop up x

You are just tired op. Nothing to do with your age! It’s hard to cater to the emotional needs of someone else at the best of times when they know what they need - you are trying to accommodate the needs of someone who doesn’t know what they need!
you are doing great and it’s ok to feel a bit stretched xx

Next time your DM visits it's ok to ask her to help you bringing the washing in or furniture or help in other ways as she may not have realised how tired you are and could do with extra help. Good luck.

I think you sound normal tbh, I get overwhelmed very easily. I have fallen out with people because I can't cope with constant phone calls, I had a friend who would call multiple times a day for a chat....... and I tried to kindly say that I am getting really overwhelmed but in the end I actually ended up telling them to stop calling me altogether (not my finest moment 🙃.
I very much need routine also, and if I jave a plan in my head for that day, if anything disrupts that my head is in a tail spin. And that's whether I jave planned to clean under the sofa or have a nap 🤷‍♀️.
I also have 2 children one who is also autistic, both my girls are hard work sometimes.
I try my best to explain to people kindly how I get overwhelmed and why..... some people get it. Unfortunately some don't and although I love them I have had to go no contact with some people who don't understand.
God typing all that put I sound like am awful person 🤦‍♀️. Honestly I'm not, I'm an introverted extravert. I can be very sociable but I jave a social battery that does seem to drain quicker as I have gotten older

This is great advice!

Very similar situation here, late afternoon / teatime definitely a tricky time of day as have given so much of myself already. A couple of people have mentioned peri menopause - I definitely think this is a thing; my tolerance for noise for example is way down and I crave peace and quiet now. Also google pathological demand avoidance

How is your son's sleep? Just wondering as i feel like this when my dc with autism aren't sleeping as i can't cope with stuff when I'm knackered. My inlaws keep "popping in" and it drives me mad.

I can relate to what you say.

Some people are more affected by sensory stimuli than others. I hate airports and ferries for example - I only like going away in the car, so we holiday in the UK. I can be listening to music and suddenly need it turned off - generally i prefer quiet.

It's often called being highly sensitive. I would recommend this book https://www.abebooks.co.uk/servlet/BookDetailsPL?bi=31942464237&dest=gbr&ref_=ps_ggl_2039220669&cm_mmc=ggl--UK_Shopp_Tradestandard--product_id=UK9780060932923USED-_-keyword=&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=2039220669&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIgqvRgue_jgMVl4lQBh2CFw8lEAQYAiABEgKHUfD_BwE

I fully relate. I could have written it myself. I actually have an autistic child (DD) also. I feel it more with unexpected guests and have been this way for quite a while buy not all my life. I feel very disorganised and disrupted if unexpected guests. If expected I'm a bit more calm b/c I'll have tried to do most of what I had planned beforehand, but for example if my DD eats a rusk (she loves them but gets crumbs everywhere and I absolutely hate the crunch under my feet) I'll have to hoover it up ASAP, regardless of who's there. I'm more uncomfortable with it not being done than I am with me being 'weird' hoovering while they're there, although I do wish I could just leave it sometimes.
Parenting an autistic child is very tough and while they say our DC need routine I think we may too also as their moods etc can be so unpredictable that we also need stability somewhere!
Also, as a side note, personally anyways, I wish my mam would actually understand and help rather than me feel the pressure of 'hosting' her.

Hi OP, it struck me as you feeling pressured and anxious around visits etc.

You obviously have a lot on your plate with the DC but your responses to even small deviations have become very heightened in a way that is outside the norm and obviously affecting you.

2 hours is not a long time to have DM there perfectly normal thing for her to come back for her milk, if she forgot it, rather than go to the shop.

I don’t wash cups up when someone is still there as it can appear a bit rude. I have only ever known one person who does things like this. It does feel quite awkward and unwelcoming to be on the other end of.

Obviously if it was raining someone had to bring the washing in and soft furnishings, that’s a perfectly normal thing to do and not something that can wait.

I would have asked if DM could help me thought and have and done it together, unless she needed to supervise the DC.

Depending on the relationship I would try and talk eg to DM about how I’m coping and the feelings of overwhelm. You say she’s oblivious but she’s not a mind reader!

Agree the GP is hopefully a good first port of call, some sessions of counselling could be helpful.

In general, reducing stress levels and building in short breaks (even a 1 minute breathing exercise) throughout the day may support you.

This is unacceptable he shouldn’t be calling you at work, unless it’s an emergency.

I would tell him “please don’t call me at work any more unless it’s a genuine emergency.”

If he knows you are busy at home and he calls you without a good reason also say is “it an emergency, remember I’m busy doing X” and end the call.

End calls promptly that are not genuine emergencies when he knows you are at work or busy to reinforce the message he can’t just call you because he’s bored.

More boundaries like these will help protect your time and energy.

i feel exactly the same OP.
my mum has been staying for a couple of nights each week for the last three weeks while she is looking for a house. she’s found one now and the relief i feel is amazing.
im really house proud and assume im being judged all the time although my rational brain knows im totally not.
i feel embarrassed by my children’s behaviour when others are there too even though they behave like every other child!

id accept that im pretty highly strung!!

Wanted to add - some people get their energy from other people and thrive on having people around them all the time no matter the circumstances and some people re - energise from being ‘alone’.
My best friend would LOVE it if I or anyone tbh showed up at her house unannounced at this time of day - it would energise her and she would feel good. She’d always offer to come over if I was in a crisis or if I’m low and I actually mostly have to politely say, no it’s ok thanks! Because for her, thst’s what she would need and want. We’re the total opposites like that.
Basically, We’re all different!

Oh I do so identify. My kids are grown now but I remember feeling constantly like you describe. I still get overstimulated by changes in routine, always have. Can’t sleep after visitors. Now I’m older and have chronic stress and insomnia. Had a good day yesterday, walked the dog around the block and had a shower. Ate all the snacks in the fridge, couldn’t sleep and feel rough today. I guess I’m saying please don’t beat yourself up. I felt so guilty this morning cos the dog wanted me to get up and give her some attention and I couldn’t. It reminded me of all the times I ‘failed’ my kids. You are doing a great job. It’s hard and you can’t even tell your mother you are struggling or ask for help. I know. I know. What helps? When, if ever, do you relax? Sending hugs. X

Totally get this and it’s why I visit people or we meet in a neutral place. It makes my brain itch to have overwhelm in my own house as I’ve got nowhere to go and I’m like PAC-Man waking into walls trying to get away and going nowhere!

Try to limit people coming and go to theirs. That way you can leave when you’ve had enough, but you’re still socialising.

That all sounds like perfectly normal for someone who is neurodivergent and/or introverted. I’m 56 and have Tourette’s which runs in my family, but it’s only in recent years that I’ve come to realise how much it affects me - OCD, sensory overload, anxiety, irritability. I hate to tell you this but my sensory overload went through the roof during menopause - but to be honest I wish somebody had warned me as I felt like I was going crazy! If you do suspect you could be autistic I would definitely recommend getting a diagnosis, it could help explain a lot and you might even be able to get some practical help.