When you marry someone, are you also marrying into their family?

[MyAmusedOpalCrab]

Or do you believe you’re marrying them and their family is just background noise?

I’ve heard both views: that you should take the family seriously because they’ll always be part of your life, especially if kids are involved… and others say as long as the couple are solid, the family’s attitude doesn’t matter much.

What’s your experience? Can you have a great relationship with someone whose family doesn’t like or support you? Or is that a disaster waiting to happen?

I just married one man. I'm actually quite fond of his (enormous) family, and see them fairly regularly, but I certainly never regard myself as having married into it. Neither does he with mine.

This is a hard one, I think it depends on your partner.
My DP’s mother is a shit show of a person who we no longer have contact with.
He has other family members that are of the “casual digs and insults covered by fake naivety” but they’re nice enough people you have to roll your eyes at.
If my DP hadn’t have called his Mum out on her shit when she did, our relationship wouldn’t have survived. I couldn’t have stayed with someone who sat by and let their Mum continue to outright abuse me.
The very first time in his life that he stood up to her, she unleashed hell on him (and me) and caused a whole year of pain and distress.

I think you do marry the family, but you and your wife/husband need to acknowledge your new family (the two of you and any kids) are the priority that must always come first.

The family is definitely something to take into account.

I'm one of a large family who are loyal to each other but don't live in each others pockets. I see each sibling once or twice a year. If there was a clash between partner and family member, it would impact a couple of days a year and be easy to navigate.

However if your future mil has a key to your shared house, turns up whenever she pleases, helps herself to your clothes & makeup, and reads your post, don't marry. Don't co-habit. Run for the hills.

Another thread today (about kettles 😊) reminded me how completely awful a spiteful mil can be.
It's more than 20 years since mine but still makes me feel sick.

Depends on how close your partner is to them! If they are a pop round three times a week person, then yes, way more important. If they are 400 miles away and only do weddings, funerals and maybe Christmas, probably doesn’t matter so much

Problems in the family often mean problems as a couple, even when the partners prioritise each other and nuclear family and handle other family members and themselves perfectly, which most of us don’t!

I think you marry into the family. But I I also see weddings as two families coming together rather than a big expensive party.
In most cases and in cases where there is no estrangement/abuse etc they are the people who mattered most to your partner before you came along and they have shaped him into the person he is. They will always be important to him and iHe will always be their child whatever his age and if you have children they will be your children's grandparents

I have only been able to find politely tolerate DH’s family. we have absolutely nothing in common. However they are his family and I wouldn’t want to make life difficult for him.

We married into each other’s families. I sat with my MiL while she was dying and DH has always considered my family as his family. When DS married we worked very hard to build one family with the new in laws. In fact, they have become our closest friends. I was adamant that any GC should feel like we were one family and not two separate entities.

Depends I think. DH wasn’t in contact with his family other than his kids when we got married. He definitely feels he’s married into mine and is close with all my siblings.

Surely it depends on the family. I see my boyfriends family more than I see my own. I would probably say I'd be marrying his family, but he wouldn't be marrying mine.

Definitely didn’t marry DH’s family. 20 years in and I don’t have PIL’s phone numbers and all contact is through DH. They’re several hours away.

My family have always been away so I don’t think DH would say he has married into them either.

We’re very much 2 entities who chose to marry though. We don’t share a surname and are often apart. Marriage wasn’t about bringing two families together <shudders> but about our commitment to one another.

Yes, I agree with this post.

I feel really integrated into my husband's family. We see them regularly, share birthday celebrations, go on holiday together etc. They have really adopted me as one of the clan and I love and feel very loved by them.

Hard disagree.

It depends. Feelings around potential inlaws should definitely be considered before the wedding.
If you can't stand them, then I wouldn't marry into them.

This will completely depend on the dynamics. There is no 'one answer'.

If one of you is part of a close family who are all engaged in each other's lives several times a week, in and out of each others' houses, that is very, very different from if you live a few hours drive away and everyone accepts each member of the family have their own lives.

If there are cultural expectation about looking after your parents in their old age.

If there are really different cultural (in the wider sense) expectations about the way your life is lived, including swearing, including expectations of what men/ women do, including drinking, and so many more things, that can make life a lot more difficult than if you are all on the same page.

If one is from a family where they are expected to "help others out" financially, without question.

Loads of other things.

Yes, in theory you are marrying one person, but in practice, without some kind of way of 'meeting in the middle' life is going to be very difficult if you are very different from your spouse's family.

My ex I married him and his parents and horrible siblings and it was x3 a day phone calls and they were horrors and made me ill.

My current MIL is lovely and although we live 300 miles away I like her a lot and she’s just right! Shes 85 and we send each other letters once or twice a week!

I’ve been with my husband for 40 yrs , married 36 and his parents hated me , his mum is now in her 90s and pretending she likes me because I can do things for her like drive her places and order stuff online , which I do occasionally because I love my husband and it makes his life a bit easier . They went NC with me for over 20 yrs when our first child was about 5 and that was really pleasant . My family have always loved my husband and it works for us . Our children , now both adults , have nothing to do with MIL other than sending cards / gifts for birthday / Christmas and being polite if they happen to bump into her at our house .

I would take a long hard look at the family your partner grew up in before making a commitment. If they're very dysfunctional, that is going to have had an effect on how your partner views family life.

Unless they are far away, you're likely to have to spend a fair bit of time with them, especially once you have children. If they're friendly and welcoming towards you, that's a good start. If they aren't, it's unlikely to get better once you're married and if you don't want to spend time with them, it's probably going to cause arguments between you and your partner!

I didn't have a lot in common with my in laws but they were lovely grandparents and I got along well enough with them when we spent time together. After my FIL passed away, I got much closer with MIL as she doesn't have any daughters and ended up being very fond of her. My mum and dad absolutely loved my DH and definitely saw him as a son. My dad has passed now but DH is still close to my mum and will pop in for a cuppa with her without me. Over the years it's been tricky at times but we've always made the effort with each other's families. I see it as an essential part of being married really but if they had been really unpleasant it would have been different.

Really interesting question.

Family is definitely something to consider. It’s caused huge problems in my marriage.

I think it’s important to make an effort with your partners family, even if you don’t have much in common. You should afford them consideration, manners, decency.

However sometimes families don’t afford their adult children’s partners with the same and it can become difficult, especially if your partner won’t stand up to their family.

Love this. This is what ‘marrying into a family’ should look like!

I think it depends on you & your husband’s attitude to your families. I mean, you have joined another family, as he as joined yours. How significant that is depends on the nature and strength of the family relationships. I love some of DH’s family members and struggle with others. DH is the same with mine. It is fine because we both have each others backs first and foremost- we are a team and a united front. So we can both moan about the tricky ones and enjoy spending time with the lovely ones.

I think it depends on the family. My partners family are lovely, but they are all focused on their own nuclear families, since the older generation died. There are sometimes get togethers for funerals or weddings. But there are very few.
So I married my partner, not their family.
Some families are extremely close though and there are constant family get togethers. In those cases I think you marry into the family.

@Endofyear You do not automatically spend a lot of time with family once you have children/ We visited my partners family and kids. But honestly they were just very focused on their nuclear families. Some people are. And it is slightly strange as my partners parents were the opposite.

100% you're marrying into a family.
And not accepting that is one of the reasons for so many family fall outs I think.