When you marry someone, are you also marrying into their family?

[MyAmusedOpalCrab]

Or do you believe you’re marrying them and their family is just background noise?

I’ve heard both views: that you should take the family seriously because they’ll always be part of your life, especially if kids are involved… and others say as long as the couple are solid, the family’s attitude doesn’t matter much.

What’s your experience? Can you have a great relationship with someone whose family doesn’t like or support you? Or is that a disaster waiting to happen?

I didn’t feel like I was marrying into his family. We were quite LC with them anyway because they are arses, but when we had DC they pushed their way back in and I was left thinking “shit, I didn’t think this through I’m now tied to these people”.

The advice I would give anyone getting married now would be only to go through with it if you like your partners family and that they are respectful towards you. Marrying into the wrong family can have a big negative impact on your life because they are there for every milestone in your life going forwards.

I think it depends on the family. My In-laws are lovely people who went out of their way to welcome not just me but my 3 DC from my previous marriage. They treated them like their own DGC from the off. After that I would always treat them as my family. I feel sad when I read threads quite often about dgp's who not only refuse to treat DC from previous relationships equally but who actively exclude them from photos and Easter eggs and stuff. My In-laws invited me DC to holiday with them for a week each year so DH and i.cpuld holiday alone for a week. In return we invited in-laws on our family holiday fo 2 weeks each year. My Fil was the only Granddad my DC had and he enriched their lives so much. My youngest DC worshipped his Grandad and was absolutely devastated when he died but he had him from 7 years old until DS was 22. He had 15 years of love, wisdom and affection he wouldn't have otherwise have had.

Differences in cultural expectations can be quite stark. My DGPs didn't understand why my DH didn't call them by their grandparents names, didn't call my parents mum and dad and didn't go to every family event with me. I don't think they realised that I am pretty assimilated and those things are weird to me too, not just to thoroughly British DH.

Again, not my experience. PIL aren’t bothered about anything that isn’t in front of them at that moment. Given DH moved out at 18 for university and hasn’t lived within 200 miles of them since, the milestones have been completed without them, in the main.

They want their boys to be with women who stay home and do the domestic drudgery, but chasing careers, so they were never going to want to have much to do with us. Which is absolutely fine with both of us.

Absolutely this! My husband and I were both very close to each others’ parents and siblings - we worked consciously to make it happen. Now our children are adults, we are very close to their respective partners and on good terms with their partners’ families.

That's true but if your partner is reasonably close to his family then you've got birthdays, Christmas, holidays, weddings, christenings, funerals etc plus a lot of families get together for Sunday lunches, days out - what I mean is, it's not unusual that people spend time with extended family. Which is why I said it's a good idea to take a good long look at your partners family and how they function before making a commitment!

@Endofyear I am married and older. My point was that we did not have all those things. Weddings and funerals and a few Christmases when in laws were alive. But as soon as they died, all my partners siblings just wanted to spend every occasion in their nuclear family. The only time we see them is weddings and funerals and a visit once or twice a year. We tried to get closer, and they were not interested. Its not personal, as all three are the same with each other as well.
We have now moved into grandparent time and they just all spend time with their adult children and grandchildren.
Not everyone is interested in wider family. There has been no falling out, they are just not interested. Maybe they felt their own parents spent too much time with extended family? No idea?

We don’t do any of those things apart from weddings and funerals (and they’re quite rare to be honest). 🤷🏻‍♀️

Definitely ‘background noise’ in our case, but DP & I are not married & don’t have children, so it’s not a traditional situation.

DP’s family live in a different part of the country and come from a very rural upper-middle class background. My family are very working class northerners. They are chalk & cheese. I only see his family a handful of times a year, and ‘polite’ is probably the best word to describe my relationship with them. We just have zero in common, and I admit that horses invariably being the main topic of conversation can be tedious.

DP gets on fine with my family, and while it’s certainly a more relaxed relationship than mine with his family, but apart from football they just don’t have much in common.

You marry the family. Which is why you should study them carefully before you sign up. Even if they are spectacularly awful and you never see them- they are part of the mental furniture of the person you are committing to.

Yes. Personally family is very important. I wouldn’t’ve dated anyone my parents might not have liked. In-laws and my folks were great together and it made for a nice life, no drama. Sadly all passed away now.

No I keep them separate. I would never choose them as family so why would I force anything more? We are cordial, civil and get on well but I don’t think of them as siblings and extra parents if that’s what you mean? I also don’t see nieces and nephews the same as my side. Have no issue with dh feeling the same

I think it depends on the family. DP is much more part of my family than I am part of his. That's their choice really. MIL and FIL like to hear about the DC, but they aren't interested in actually seeing them much. It's helped for me to recognise that they only really want to spend time with DP and to facilitate that instead of putting us all through the stress of lots of meet ups where they talk to DP and watch as I look after the DC. I can't pretend it's not a bit hurtful though.

I think it's hugely important. Your partner is a product of his family. His relationship with them will inevitably affect him. Your dc can't help but be affected too - by having a good relationship, a bad relationship or by missing out on a relationship with their grandparents. There is ample evidence in gazillions of MN threads of how much trouble can be caused in a marriage by issues with the in-laws.

Pi think if your dh to be, has good links to his family and they're not kind then you prob have an issue.
If his family are awful and he has little / no contact then getting on with his family isn't important.
Personally I would not have married dh if I didn't get on with his family. We have very similar backgrounds and lots of respect and no-one steps over the line.