Apologies in advance — this will be long and full of red flags I’ve chosen to ignore like an idiot.
Let’s travel back to 2014. I’m engaged to John (not his real name), we’re a few weeks away from our wedding, sitting outside having a BBQ. I unlock his phone and spot an app. I open it — threads from multiple women. I ask what it is. He goes all panicked and immediately deletes it. Says it’s “something they use at work” and he was embarrassed because he told some colleagues he went to a strip club. Classic. Red flags are flying but guess what? I go ahead and marry him. Because I’m a twat apparently.
Fast forward to December 2015. I’m pregnant. Open his phone (again, don’t ask) and find a message in his clipboard. It’s basically an ad about himself — age, height, what he’s looking for, plus his Skype name. I get into his account (because he uses the same obvious passwords — genius). He claims someone hacked his account. Yeah, because hackers always conveniently copy and paste flirty bios into your phone’s clipboard. 🙄 But again, like a mug, I forgive him.
Fast forward again to 2020. He goes on a “work trip” up north. Says he has to stay overnight. We’re on the phone late that night, all normal. A couple of weeks later, I use his phone and find he’s been Googling gentlemen’s clubs in Leeds before the trip. Clearly planned. Also find a random postcode saved. I push him. He lies. Swears on his kids’ lives the postcode means nothing. I ask to see his bank statement, and he tries to show me one from May. Like I can’t tell the difference. Eventually he fesses up: contacted an escort (makes it sound better apparently), withdrew cash, then claims he “came to his senses,” threw the money on the floor and just walked around Leeds for hours. Sure, mate.
That’s three major lies I know about. I honestly can’t imagine what else he’s done.
And yet here we are in 2025 and I’m still here. He still says if someone does something to him, he’ll do it back. He picks arguments like a child. Swans off on weekends with his mates leaving me with the kids — because apparently he deserves a break 🙃 Meanwhile I’m holding down the house, managing the kids, carrying the mental load of everything, and somehow I feel like the unattractive, nagging one.
So, AIBU to think he should worship the actual ground I walk on after everything he’s put me through? To not cheat, not lie, not gaslight and maybe thank me for still being here wiping up everyone’s messes? And more importantly: How do I get my own back? What would you do in my shoes? I’m 99.9% sure people would have left in 2014. And if not in 2014 then definitely in 2015 or 2020. What a loser I am.
Husband's a liar, possibly a cheat, definitely a man-child and thinks doing a bit of housework makes him a saint. AIBU to think I deserve more? He has NO idea how he makes me feel. Thinks he deserves attention, sex and everything else. Even has the cheek to sulk when I don’t feel like being intimate. Would you want to be intimate with someone who has treated you like that and made you feel so worth less yet I’m the unreasonable one! He also doesn’t seem to understand that cheating doesn’t have to be in real life. He seems to think it only counts as cheating if it is in person.
HELP.