Dreading the summer holidays with my only child

[Doublecheeseburgerandfries]

I am absolutely dreading it.
DS (6) is an only child and I kick myself everyday that we didn’t try for another. My mental health bottomed out when we had him and I almost ended up in a psych ward. I was really mentally unwell,
I have since been diagnosed with ADHD and Autism.

I feel so bad for him, we have a few neighbourhood kids but not very many round here who play out. He spends so much time playing imaginary stuff on his own, it actually kills me inside. Me and DP try our best to play with him, but we can’t replace or replicate silly kids fun.
His cousins all live in other parts of the country, when we see them (rarely) they play really nicely together, but it’s so few and far between and now the cousins are getting older (he’s the youngest) they are going places with friends over the summer and don’t want to spend time staying away with extended family members.
We try and do as much as we can with him, luckily we are both teachers so get the holidays off.
We are going away twice, but again, he’ll be the only child with us.
All my childhood memories involve my brother - us playing together in the garden or messing around on the beach etc on holiday.

I don’t know how to move past this. I was capable physically of having another child, I wish I’d just bitten the bullet and had one a year or two after DS was born. Instead I kept putting it off and mentally felt unable to do it all again. He was a very poor sleeper and still is.

We have booked him into a club for a couple of days and we are planning to see a couple of friends but most of the parents are working.

It sounds like you’ve planned a lovely summer holiday for your DS.

My two have a 6 year age gap so my 7 year old is in a similar position only without me being about to give him constant attention , it sounds like you have made great plans for him ! Is he good at making friends at the park ? Any holiday clubs he can go to occasionally? Have you got a class messenger group you can ask for some playdates at a local park ?

Could be that you might be over thinking OP
Kids make friends on holiday and in the park etc
My son is an only child too and I appreciate the comparison to having siblings.
You seem like great parents

More clubs
More playdates

But your memories are yours. Your child doesn't know any different.

I do get it but you're doing your best. Sounds like you have got some nice social things to do here and there. Does he have friends you can arrange to see? Activities at sports centre or library? Kids clubs?

Are there any holiday clubs run by his activities? If so book him into some of those as he’ll likely know friends from his activity classes.

I have an almost 9yo DS who's an only, totally get where you're coming from, I just didn't feel up to a 2nd but do feel sorry for him especially during the holidays.

What works for us is.. I book lots of activity type camps where he has made friends over the years, I invite lots of school friends over for playdates (I'm really proactive at asking/inviting - I host way more than most but I see it as a win/win in that he gets friends to play with and the other parents get a break), I make lots of suggestions to other mum friends for days out.. we go for holidays where you tend to have lots of kids hanging around the pool/park and we take lots of cool toys that the other kids want to share.

Then when we do have time when it's just us we all enjoy the peace and quiet!

Tbh it's a lot of work and I'm a massive introvert so totally out of my comfort zone asking people to meet up but that's what I do to ease the only child mum guilt!

But so many kids his age won't have siblings to play with. My 5 year old has a sibling - she's 18 months- and she is either taking our attention from him or messing up what he is doing (Lego and painting both difficult today). She's wonderful, but it's a tricky and time consuming age.

I feel guilty so often that I can't devote my time and attention to DS and envy parents of onlies!

Ok so first of all plenty of siblings do not get on. Mine spend considerably more time squabbling than playing nicely together. Please don’t convince yourself everything would have been great if only you’d had another.

Also, there are ways to build in other kids. Go to the playground, they soon find buddies at this age. If friends’ parents are working and you’re not, offer to have the friend round for the day - they’ll bite your hand off! (The earlier the better as working parents tend to organise their holiday childcare well in advance). Any free kids’ activities locally? Libraries etc often run stuff over the holidays.

On holiday - bring some spades to the beach, start digging a big hole and kids will congregate. A blow up crocodile or a game of catch in the pool has a similar effect. A fun dad seems to draw other kids, no pressure on your DP 😬😁 Kids club works too but appreciate you have booked the holiday already.

Anything stopping you having another child now?

We have just one & is veryhard when he’s begging us to play with him. I always played with my sister when I was his age.

Of course we play with him, but when he’s with the local kids it’s really magical for him. He cries when they have to home.

You are going away twice surley where you are going is child friendly and will have other dc there?

Can you do something really fun for him like theme parks as well (abroad definitely not UK BTW

Having another child doesn't always guarantee a sibling friend.
My sister is nearly 2yrs older than me and all I can remember is what a bitch she was to me even as very small children. Insanely jealous of me, never wanted to play, wouldn't let me in her room or touch any if her stuff. Would try and take my friends aways from me if I ever went outside to play etc. I had a pretty miserable childhood tbh because of my sister. We're estranged now because she never grew out of this bullying sibling rivalry type behaviour. My husband said a similar thing happened between him and his brother growing up too. They no longer speak either....
I have always been envious of friend's who have a great relationship with their siblings.
It doesn't always work out how we plan so please make the most of your wonderful DS and the fact that you can give him your undivided attention. He will always cherish that

@Gowlett I have considered this, but the age gap would mean they likely wouldn’t play that much together. He’s almost 7 so even if we got pregnant next month, he’d still be almost 8 when the baby was born. I really wish I’d done it sooner , I really hate myself for it.
Also my DP is older and is not wanting another.

He does go to Beavers, Judo and Swimming lessons. The Beavers group isn’t on during the holidays unfortunately. But judo and swimming classes are, so he’ll see kids there once a week.
We have booked him into a couple of clubs, but they are few and far between round here and lots are for FSM children.
I have semi arranged/pencilled in a couple of outings with his friends/play dates. And one of my friends has a son close in age who he likes to spend time with.

I think it’s just the in-between times - if there were neighbourhood kids around or whatever then it might make it easier, but no one seems to play out much on our road.
I guess it’s the more quiet times at home, where a sibling would have filled the gap in terms of play.

I know as a neurodivergent person you will find difficult to stop judging yourself - but I can assure you your idea of a sibling is just that, an idea. Might have worked for you, might not work at all for your child. I have a friend who had a second for this very reason - wanted to give her child memories like the ones she had of her brother. The second child is very challenging, and it’s made the first one’s life a misery for 6 years now. I was the same as you till I saw this family’s dynamic - now I thank myself everyday for having stopped at one (mine is also Audhd, as am I)

I also feel annoying/overbearing messaging people all the time, messaging the other mums.
Especially as most of their kids have siblings to play with, so they don’t have our problem. It’s simply not on their radar.

it’s sad you use words like dreading the summer and that you are beating yourself up every day for not having a sibling… your boy will inevitably be picking up on your negativity around this and maybe not able to understand that your negative feelings aren’t caused by him. are you able to try to view the situation positively? I have an only and I’m so excited to spend the summer with my boy. I have a brother who I get on with, but my best early childhood memories are of the fun I had with my mum and dad!

Honestly it sounds bliss. My two fight constantly and rarely play together. It’s horrible and I often wonder if they’d be happier if I hadn’t been obsessed with “needing a sibling”

regarding the imaginary games on his own, this is actually really beneficial and good for children so don’t worry about that!

If it helps I have a sibling and yes we have great shared childhood memories but I also spent a lot of time playing on my own with only my imagination for company and I thoroughly enjoyed it. Ditto doing arty activities on my own and reading. I say this because you might be projecting your own feelings of guilt onto him and looking for confirmation of them when actually he is a lot happier than you fear he is? Especially if he is more introverted by nature like I was/am? It sounds like he has brilliant parents to me and am sure will have a fantastic summer!

I do exactly the same as @LilyMyOneAndOnly

It is tiring, and I don’t always find it easy but it works. Loads of activities, tons of play dates. When we get time alone we all enjoy the peace. She has some times when she’s lonely, like travelling to and from holidays but mostly her life is full of kids. I don’t care that I host and it’s not reciprocated, I don’t care that I host vastly more than she is hosted. It’s working for us.

Structure the days so it’s less stretching out before you like a whatever dread-inducing thing. Share the care if you are both off.

Local park
Pool
camp in the garden/lounge?
Go shopping for ingredients for him to make a recipe
Let him wash the car or whatever for £1
Visit to b&m for some new colouring books / a toy
Post on the WhatsApp group for his class to ask who is in town when.

And so on.

Depending on the level of friendship your child has with his friends, play dates can take up a good part of a day i.e. the friend arrives in the morning i.e. 11 am at the latest has lunch and stays for tea / dinner.

When my dd was that age, we would have one or two play dates a week, a trip to a local attraction once a week and the cinema every week ( there used to be something called Orange Wednesdays and thus I got a free ticket or something because of my mobile provider )

Sometimes I booked her into holiday club at school, sometimes I offered to have one of the holiday club children for the full day i.e. before 9 and after 5 thus the parent didn't have to pay for holiday club and my dd had a friend for the full day

and we would often have a ' free ' day i.e. the beach / the park.

I should think lots of parents would welcome it if you’d offer to have their child for a play date. Especially if you’d be willing to make it clear they don’t have to reciprocate??

I have 2 close in age and by the second week I’d jump at the chance to send one of them off for a play date for a few hours! 😂

In my experience I would take it week by week. You will find he will actual love just having time to play with his toys/Lego. I used to budget for one day a week that was cinema (lots do deals for kids over the summer) and if the budget stretches maybe take a friend, but also make a big thing of finding new parks to discover with a simple picnic, libraries are fab and do loads - Lego/craft days. When mine were young I’d save club card/costa points, 20p’s in jars over the year and use them once a week for a treat in a nice cafe with a nice colouring book. Let other families know in the school group “me and little Johnny are off to the park this afternoon if anyone fancies joining us”. The things my kids remember - and they are 6 years apart is opening up the garage getting some toys out, a little table and chairs and play in the street. Honestly it’s a magnet for other kids..I’d get my deckchair, a brew, throw some squash and biscuits/fruit/ice lollies at them and it would be grand. What made it nicer was other parents came out to join me and it would be a lovely way to spend a couple of hours. Honestly do not over think it. I’ve learnt after spending literally thousands on holidays that kids just want a park and maybe a pool, doesn’t matter where they are. Enjoy your summer and don’t be too hard on yourself x