Dreading the summer holidays with my only child

[Doublecheeseburgerandfries]

I am absolutely dreading it.
DS (6) is an only child and I kick myself everyday that we didn’t try for another. My mental health bottomed out when we had him and I almost ended up in a psych ward. I was really mentally unwell,
I have since been diagnosed with ADHD and Autism.

I feel so bad for him, we have a few neighbourhood kids but not very many round here who play out. He spends so much time playing imaginary stuff on his own, it actually kills me inside. Me and DP try our best to play with him, but we can’t replace or replicate silly kids fun.
His cousins all live in other parts of the country, when we see them (rarely) they play really nicely together, but it’s so few and far between and now the cousins are getting older (he’s the youngest) they are going places with friends over the summer and don’t want to spend time staying away with extended family members.
We try and do as much as we can with him, luckily we are both teachers so get the holidays off.
We are going away twice, but again, he’ll be the only child with us.
All my childhood memories involve my brother - us playing together in the garden or messing around on the beach etc on holiday.

I don’t know how to move past this. I was capable physically of having another child, I wish I’d just bitten the bullet and had one a year or two after DS was born. Instead I kept putting it off and mentally felt unable to do it all again. He was a very poor sleeper and still is.

We have booked him into a club for a couple of days and we are planning to see a couple of friends but most of the parents are working.

My dd was an only child for 15 years! She didn’t seem to miss out but I always made sure there were things to do in the holidays, days out with us museum/ trip to family member/ walk to lake etc and a holiday, a tennis club that runs 2 hours a day for a week so she could meet other kids then could go to park with them after. A church holiday club she loved as very crafty and a lot of school friends went , again only for a couple of hours but was more for socialising/ change of scenery .Tbh whilst I desperately wanted another child (and so happy to have one later in life) I felt so lucky to have all this time dedicated to my DD. As you are teachers you can really enjoy spending a whole summer with him. What you are doing sounds great to me. Maybe plan on a weekly basis see what he’d like to do too ?

Sounds like you have a fantastic summer planned! Your DS is really lucky to be going away twice and for you to be off work. If there are other children where you’re going on holiday then I’m sure your DS will be playing with them in no time and if not then he’ll still have a great time.

I’m sorry you are struggling but it seems like having just the one is best for you and your circumstances. You suffered really bad with your mental health, the same or worse could have happened again. You are ND - chances are you could have had a child with ND, could you have handled the extra work and demands especially with your new diagnosis? That is a big thing to find about yourself and you also need to basically ‘learn’ who you are again. Also siblings don’t always get along, some genuinely despise each other! Try not to stress and take it easy on yourself. Don’t focus on the other overbearing mums.

Definitely do the camp in the lounge thing, film and midnight snacks (usually about 9pm 🤣). My loved it!

I'm an only child as are four of my friends oddly enough. I know I speak for all of us when I say that if you can try for another child then please do. It's not too late for them to bond and have a relationship even with a larger than average gap. 🙂

I think you need to calm down a bit. I have one and I have felt guilty but hand on heart he has had a great childhood. Can he not do a few weeks in a club? Mornings? Can you organise play dates? On holidays my DS always made friends until he was a teen then last year we found a great group activity holiday. In some ways it isn’t ideal but you need to make the best of it.

You have a 6yr old who can entertain himself and you do activities. I bet you get a moment to have a break. You wouldn’t get this break with a 4yr old - you’d need eyes in the back of your head. You’d have double the work load you have now.

Inappropriate much.

I have an only child as well which is 7, he plays alone at lot and he plays really nicely and tbh there/s nothing wrong with playing alone. He’s also made a lot of friends at the park and he plays around 2-3 hours each day with them.

Mum to an only here. Organise play dates, or even a ball pool you can do solo.

Cinema mini mornings. Holiday camps are a good shout. Does your DS actually mind if he's busy?

OP, I was an only child and loved it. My DM (single mum) was also a teacher and I loved having her off with me in the holidays!

I enjoyed imaginative play by myself, reading, crafting, listening to the radio and making my own ‘shows’ with my tape recorder, playing video games, riding my bike, all sorts.

You’re also taking your lucky DS away twice. He’ll be fine. Try not to beat yourself up

Oh OP please don’t beat yourself up about this. I have an only too, mine is a bit older though (10) and we do a lot of shared childcare over the summer so he has plenty of time to hang out with friends, but we weren’t doing this aged 6.

However we did use holiday clubs which he loved at the time, is this a possibility for you?

also brilliant that you’re both teachers so have the whole summer off, you are SO fortunate. You could literally be out and about most days if you wanted to.

I remember feeling very guilty when mine was 6 too for lack of a sibling but honestly he is perfectly happy and I really love hanging out with him when I have time off from work. 6 is a tricky age as they’re still so young.

I can say with confidence from what you’ve said that having another child was not the right thing for you. If you’d gone ahead, ok he’d have a sibling but at what cost? you had VERY good reasons for sticking at one and don’t lose sight of that.

I think you’re romanticising the sibling thing a bit. Sure, you have some happy memories of time spent with your brother but presumably you didn’t spend every waking moment playing together over the summer holidays? I’m sure there were plenty of arguments too that perhaps you can’t remember?!

Thanks for posting this. Only child guilt is real. I had a sibling but had a v difficult childhood. My DS has no siblings but the rest of it has been stable and happy.,Work with what you have.,

Our DC is an only. I always planned the summer hols in detail because DH and I had to work. Both of us would take some time off (days/half days) in addition to the time away on holiday. Art club, tennis, cricket, holiday orchestra, martial arts club, general activities clubs (both versions deemed 'boring') we tried them all over the years. Play dates and time with GPs, cinema trips and local theatre workshops. I don't ever think I worried about him being an only with all this going on. If we'd had 2 or more we might have thought twice about the expensivo brass band course.

He will be fine OP, enjoy the fact you don't have to work and plan activities that follow his afterschool club interests as the my develop.

We've got an only child too who's 8. Plenty of playdates with classmates, visits to places I just could afford with 2 of them, local sports camps, camping with the grandparents. I've invited some of his friends round to camp in the garden too.

But, it's also important to let the feel bored. Kids need to know how to entertain themselves at times.

I don't get why people beat themselves up about only having one child.
I have one child. And yes she'd prefer to have another child to play with a lot of the time. But she doesn't have a sister or brother. The way I see it is why think 'oh it would be so much better this way' oh if only if was different' i mean yes it might be better with two but equally there is no guarantee it would be. They could just as easily not get on. There are so many advantages to having one the way I see it. No sibling jealousy. No treating one different even if inadvertently. More money - if I had two I wouldn't have been able to take them half the places or do half the things cos of money. You can give all your attention to one.

The last thing I want to do is dismiss your pain but I think you’re romanticising sibling relationships a bit. I have two and they will mostly spend the summer bickering, arguing, annoying one another and thus me. I adore them and alone they are delightful but together the arguing does get very jarring, as much as it is totally normal.

I have a 6 year old who is an only and it sounds relatively similar, albeit DH and I have to work for parts of the summer. I’m taking him away for a week just the two of us (which he adores) and then we have two weeks of holiday club / random annual leave / a day with grandparents. Then we’re on holiday for two weeks with my parents and then hanging out at home for another week. The vast majority of his friends will be away for most of the summer. I don’t think it’s a problem at all, I think it sounds idyllic. DH likes to hang out with friends but I also treasure all the time I get to spend with him one-on-one and, thankfully, he still seems to like that best too. Your son will have a fantastic summer too!

@Doublecheeseburgerandfries you sound like a brilliant mum! I'm sure your son will be just fine regardless

But.... I would say if you want another that age gap is less than you may think. I'm the youngest by eight years (my brother), my other siblings (sisters) are 10 and 15 years older! I'm incredibly close to all my siblings and some of my happiest memories are playing with them as a small child. If you want another I would say you need a serious conversation with your husband.

As I said, whatever you decide I'm sure your son will be fine! But don't be put off by some kind of issue about the age gap. I count all my siblings as amongst my closest friends and I know they do for me, we've travelled the world together, lived together as adults and had a lot of fun together as kids!

I do know what you mean, but we stopped at one because of dh’s mental health and that was just the way it was.

I agree with taking it week by week. And you just have to grit your teeth and keep texting - be specific ‘I’m taking ds to Coral Reef on Aug 1 and he would like to invite your ds, can he come?’ And keep trying, at least a couple more times. Have a quiet, ‘boring’ time on week one, but try to have some things to look forward to on the calendar. See if you can organise at least a weekend where you meet up with cousins.

Surely if you offered to take one of your DC’s friends for a day the other parents would bite you hand off?

Hi there

You could adopt another child if you want one. They may have some trauma though so be prepared.

But surely you could

• book him into holiday camps
• go on holidays with kids clubs with activities with other kids
• team up with other families with kids of similar ages /his friends (that's what I do!)

Coming from someone who raises a child in a country where only-children are the norm... it is perfectly fine. You have nothing to feel guilty about.

That being said, socializing with other children is important - it is just that siblings isn't the only (and sometimes not the best) way to achieve it. For every child who had a great bond with their siblings there are others who had a horrible time etc.

If you are feeling bad about his level of socialization, then just take active steps to fix it (which it sounds like you already are). Weekly clubs involving other kids. Holiday destinations where there are things he can do with other kids, not just with you. Maybe try and propose a regular meet-up with another mum, rather than one off play-dates. meeting at the park each week etc. Beavers/scout type groups are great places for him to socialize, as are sports groups. Keep an eye out for other only-children, because those parents probably feel the same as you.

And then at the end of the day, remember that it is just the summer. In no time at all he will be back in school, socializing and playing every day with other children.

Siblings are often not good for playing with over an extended period of childhood, most of the time they argue and sometimes they tolerate each other, fewer times they play well. Siblings can be wonderful support and friendship throughout adulthood though, especially having shared memories, and helping each other. I didn't consider having a second child until my first was 7, it wouldn't have been a good time for our family until then. If you want another child, that's a good reason. I don't think it's ever a good idea to have another child purely to provide a sibling, as they may never get on, and can often make life a lot more difficult for everyone for multiple reasons. You don't want to be in a position where you've had another child only for someone else's potential future benefit, because it's YOU who has to do all the parenting and provide for them and that sort of resentment can break families for multiple generations.

That's great you're both off all summer holidays. Do you have places you can visit and family days out at different venues etc? Playing in the garden or at home with a mix of days out is a lovely way to spend family time in summer. I had a sibling but they didn't play with me, it made me feel lonely because I could see what I couldn't have. Had I just been an only child then it wouldn't have been so upsetting being bullied or ignored by them.

I have an 11 and 13 year old they have never played together since they were tiny.

They might as well.be two only children. Many many siblings are like this

Why does it kill you that he uses his imagination???! Thats amazing. My youngest is like that.

If you want company put him in holiday clubs or be militant about playdates as I am