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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - DP working in the same office as ex but didn’t tell me

44 replies

strawberrysea · 13/07/2025 15:45

I would really appreciate an outside perspective on this please.

DP (M39) and I (F27) have been together for 18 months. His relationship with his ex with whom he shares two children is quite high conflict and I have never met her.

Context: DP is remaining in the same job and company but moving to a different office in the city that is shared with another business and their operations are merging. He’s known this for a few months now. However, last night it dawned on me that the office space that he’s moving into will be the same one as his ex and so it is likely that he will be seeing her most days.

The only reason I know that the ex works there is because she was recommended to me as a connection on LinkedIn. I have never and will never search for her on social media because I don’t think it’s healthy or good for my mental health.

So I know that DP will be working in the same building and space as her but he doesn’t know that I know. It is likely that their paths will cross quite frequently. I feel like this is something that he should’ve shared with me but at the same time maybe it’s none of my business. We do share all the mundane details of our lives through and so it does feel a bit strange that he hasn’t mentioned it. He mentions any disagreements they have regarding the children and any other conflicts they have going on.

I have never had retroactive jealously before in other relationships but it has been quite bad throughout this one given that they share children and so I feel like maybe I’m making a mountain out of a molehill here. Outside perspectives would be appreciated.

OP posts:
Steelworks · 13/07/2025 15:47

Maybe he hasn’t realised that he’ll be in the same building.

LlynTegid · 13/07/2025 15:48

My first thought was how often your DP goes to the office, it is a difference if there is hybrid working and so they might not even be there at the same time very often.

My second and I am sorry if this offends, is that your relationship at first glance sounds like one with a man who serially dumps women once they reach a certain age.

Original poster
strawberrysea · 13/07/2025 15:50

He will definitely know that they will be working in the same office.

@LlynTegidhis ex is actually 5 years older than both of us but I appreciate why you would say that

OP posts:
EternalLodga · 13/07/2025 15:53

Why are you with a guy so much older than you with a messy situation (aka kids)?

MounjaroMounjaro · 13/07/2025 15:54

Can you honestly be bothered with the drama, OP? He's a lot older than you and comes with a lot of baggage. Now he's lying to you - yes, lying by omission. Do you want this in your life?

ForZanyAquaViewer · 13/07/2025 15:54

Talk to him about it and ask why he hasn’t told you?

Were you OW, or have he and his ex been apart for some time? Have you met the kids, etc?

Original poster
strawberrysea · 13/07/2025 15:59

@MounjaroMounjarowould you consider it a lie? I wonder if I’m making a big drama out of it in my head. Thanks for the perspective

OP posts:
Original poster
strawberrysea · 13/07/2025 16:00

@ForZanyAquaViewerouch, no I have never been the OW to anyone. I would never do that to family or couple. Yes, I have met the children and they were separated for two years before we met.

OP posts:
RedToothBrush · 13/07/2025 16:01

This is not the relationship for you.

The working in the same building thing, is a red herring.

He is always going to be connected to this woman. He has kids with her.

If you can't cope with him being in the same building as her for the purposes of work, you have a problem. There will be many occasions where they will cross paths due to the kids that you'll have to deal with whether you like it or not.

You clearly don't trust him. He shouldn't have to report back to you the proximity of his ex. That's controlling. If you trusted him this would all be a complete non-issue.

Original poster
strawberrysea · 13/07/2025 16:05

@RedToothBrushcontrolling would be me requesting that they don’t work together, which I would never do. I’m questioning if it’s normal that he didn’t tell me.

OP posts:
HornyHornersPinkyWinky · 13/07/2025 16:06

Surely he sees his ex anyway if they share children together - why are you worried about him seeing her if they don’t even seem to like eachother?

Aside from that, it does seem like there’s a few red flags about this guy - older, with baggage and an acrimonious ex, not telling you stuff. Do you know why they split? Does he see his kids much?

Be careful - you’ve only been with him 18 months and there’s already loads of drama, this should be the honeymoon phase…

RedToothBrush · 13/07/2025 16:06

strawberrysea · 13/07/2025 16:05

@RedToothBrushcontrolling would be me requesting that they don’t work together, which I would never do. I’m questioning if it’s normal that he didn’t tell me.

As I said.

It's irrelevant.

MounjaroMounjaro · 13/07/2025 16:07

strawberrysea · 13/07/2025 15:59

@MounjaroMounjarowould you consider it a lie? I wonder if I’m making a big drama out of it in my head. Thanks for the perspective

Of course it's a lie - you can tell a lie in lots of ways. He's not mentioned they'll be near to each other because he doesn't want you to know. He's not saying to you, "Oh ffs, she's working in that building and I'll end up seeing her. That's going to be difficult" is he?

ForZanyAquaViewer · 13/07/2025 16:08

strawberrysea · 13/07/2025 16:00

@ForZanyAquaViewerouch, no I have never been the OW to anyone. I would never do that to family or couple. Yes, I have met the children and they were separated for two years before we met.

Not an ouch situation. I was genuinely just asking, as it adds context to the situation.

Talk to him.

whitewineandsun · 13/07/2025 16:09

MounjaroMounjaro · 13/07/2025 15:54

Can you honestly be bothered with the drama, OP? He's a lot older than you and comes with a lot of baggage. Now he's lying to you - yes, lying by omission. Do you want this in your life?

I came to say this. Cut your losses before you sacrifice more years on this drama, that's honestly my opinion.

treesandsun · 13/07/2025 16:13

It sounds like you would have a problem with this even if he had told you that he was going to be working and seeing her. I don't see why you have a problem with him working in close proximity to somebody he doesn't like or get on with? I also don't think that 12 years it's a huge age gap that people are suggesting it is. Him not telling you is odd why do you think he you didn't tell you? maybe he realised that you'll work it out for yourself or maybe thinks that you're going t cause a fuss that he could do without. Ask him why he hasn't mentioned it but if you don't trust him there is no relationship anyway.

ForZanyAquaViewer · 13/07/2025 16:14

strawberrysea · 13/07/2025 15:59

@MounjaroMounjarowould you consider it a lie? I wonder if I’m making a big drama out of it in my head. Thanks for the perspective

If you were working in close proximity to a serious ex, would he expect to be told? How would he react if you didn’t share this information?

Rizzz · 13/07/2025 16:15

The only reason I know that the ex works there is because she was recommended to me as a connection on LinkedIn. I have never and will never search for her on social media because I don’t think it’s healthy or good for my mental health.

If your mental health is that fragile, should you really be dating the father of her children?

Rizzz · 13/07/2025 16:16

strawberrysea · 13/07/2025 16:05

@RedToothBrushcontrolling would be me requesting that they don’t work together, which I would never do. I’m questioning if it’s normal that he didn’t tell me.

It's normal if you're anything like my ex husband.

He would've given me a complete earache about it.

KatiaMendosa · 13/07/2025 16:47

It’s a detail I’d like to know, and in my relationship it would be weird if it was omitted.

Original poster
strawberrysea · 13/07/2025 17:27

@Rizzzmy mental health isn’t fragile, I just don’t think it’s great to look at the social media of ex partners

OP posts:
HundredMilesAnHour · 13/07/2025 17:35

strawberrysea · 13/07/2025 15:50

He will definitely know that they will be working in the same office.

@LlynTegidhis ex is actually 5 years older than both of us but I appreciate why you would say that

How can she be 5 years older than both of you when he’s 39 and you’re 27? That makes no sense. She’s either 5 years older than both him or 5 years older than you, which is it?

I think the potential same office thing is a red herring. You should be more concerned with their acrimonious relationship, their 2 children and your age gap. At 27, why have you saddled yourself with this? Find a man without all the baggage.

Poetnojo · 13/07/2025 17:36

LlynTegid · 13/07/2025 15:48

My first thought was how often your DP goes to the office, it is a difference if there is hybrid working and so they might not even be there at the same time very often.

My second and I am sorry if this offends, is that your relationship at first glance sounds like one with a man who serially dumps women once they reach a certain age.

By what stretch of the imagination does it seem like he "serially dumps women once they reach a certain age"
There has only been mention of 1 ex, how could you possibly read serially?

Praying4Peace · 13/07/2025 17:39

strawberrysea · 13/07/2025 17:27

@Rizzzmy mental health isn’t fragile, I just don’t think it’s great to look at the social media of ex partners

Why is it relevant that ex partner is working in the same environment?
Why would he need to share?

holachicatita · 13/07/2025 17:43

strawberrysea · 13/07/2025 15:50

He will definitely know that they will be working in the same office.

@LlynTegidhis ex is actually 5 years older than both of us but I appreciate why you would say that

Huh? How is she 5 years older than both of you when you are 12 years younger?