AIBU - DP working in the same office as ex but didn’t tell me

[strawberrysea]

I would really appreciate an outside perspective on this please.

DP (M39) and I (F27) have been together for 18 months. His relationship with his ex with whom he shares two children is quite high conflict and I have never met her.

Context: DP is remaining in the same job and company but moving to a different office in the city that is shared with another business and their operations are merging. He’s known this for a few months now. However, last night it dawned on me that the office space that he’s moving into will be the same one as his ex and so it is likely that he will be seeing her most days.

The only reason I know that the ex works there is because she was recommended to me as a connection on LinkedIn. I have never and will never search for her on social media because I don’t think it’s healthy or good for my mental health.

So I know that DP will be working in the same building and space as her but he doesn’t know that I know. It is likely that their paths will cross quite frequently. I feel like this is something that he should’ve shared with me but at the same time maybe it’s none of my business. We do share all the mundane details of our lives through and so it does feel a bit strange that he hasn’t mentioned it. He mentions any disagreements they have regarding the children and any other conflicts they have going on.

I have never had retroactive jealously before in other relationships but it has been quite bad throughout this one given that they share children and so I feel like maybe I’m making a mountain out of a molehill here. Outside perspectives would be appreciated.

I mean, if you cant even bring up a discussion with him over this.. then what kind of relationship do you have?

This is the sort if thing my husband wouldn't even clock on to, because its not on his radar to care.

If he knows you are jealous of his ex his probably dreading telling you. It’s not like he has any control of this decision so if he is expecting a hard time over it he might be delaying telling you for as long as possible.

I agree that IF he definitely realises they'll be working in the same office and IF you normally share stuff like this, there's obviously a reason for him wanting to keep it from you. To me, the fact you can't just ask him about it is also an issue.

@KaitlynnFairchildI’m not jealous, the woman never crosses my mind. I do expect open and honest communication in a relationship though.

In all honesty, why do you want to date a 40 year old man with so much baggage? Especially one who clearly lies to you and most likely sees you as a "fling". He will always be tied to this woman.

You say on your OP that the retroactive jealousy in this relationship has been pretty bad.

Wtf has happened to mumsnet? I’ve been using it as a space to seek advice for a long time now, since I was about 21 and it never used to be this way. You would have the odd troll who would try and stir up trouble or make a rude comment but on the whole it was a kind and supportive female community.

I’ve come here to ask for advice regarding something very personal and emotional for me and within a couple of hours I’ve been accused of being the other woman, being nothing more than a fling to my established and serious partner and been bullied for a typo in my OP.

Anyone who has been in a serious relationship with someone who has children understands that it can be complicated to navigate, particularly if you are not a parent yourself. I assumed that users on here would be able to give me some reasonable advice and perspective but it seems that isn’t possible anymore on MN which is a real shame.

I am a real person behind the screen reading these comments. It seems that users on here seem to forget that now.

You're 27, dating someone who's 39 with couple of kids and baggage. You're wasting your best years on this man who lies to you.

I’ve come here to ask for advice regarding something very personal and emotional for me and within a couple of hours I’ve been accused of being the other woman, being nothing more than a fling to my established and serious partner and been bullied for a typo in my OP.

This is a fascinating (and wholly inaccurate) version of what’s happened here.

MN has pile on threads, but this certainly isn’t one of them. You’ve been given lots of advice and people have been supportive. It just hasn’t been what you wanted to hear.

He may not have mentioned it because it's a non-issue. I worked in the same building as partner for a while and we would only bump into each other a couple of times a year.

So many women in their twenties waste precious time on middle aged mem with Issues or Baggage.
Its an age old story, and the times when its actually the beginning of a healthy life long relationship are absolutely miniscule.
We are women who have been women in their twenties and we are trying to tell you to cut your losses.

OP, I'm really sorry that a number of posters seem to be giving you a hard time. MN was like this yesterday too, I think maybe the heat has frazzled these people's brains, so just ignore them.

I think he should have told you, however, maybe it's slipped his mind, or maybe he's a bit worried that you'll be upset about it. I'd sit down with him and say 'Oh, by the way, I was thinking about your job move, you do realise your Ex works there, don't you?' and see what response you get. He may say something like, 'Oh yes, I've been meaning to mention that, you don't have a problem with it though, do you?' In which case be prepared to tell him honestly how you feel. On the other hand, if he looks like a rabbit caught in the headlights, you will know that he never intended to tell you about it, and then you must make up your mind how you feel about it.

Personally, I hope he just forgot to tell you, or didn't tell you because he was worried you might be upset, rather than him deliberately not telling you, because he wants the chance to see if there's still anything between them.

Good luck, I hope all is OK.

It might well be that their paths will never cross, and there is nothing to tell.

I worked in the same building for the same company, as my next door neighbour for over a year before we realised. She worked on the first floor, I worked on the second floor, we didn't work together and it was only by complete chance our paths crossed at all.

You already know he and ex work for the same company. Will he actually be sitting at the next desk and working closely with her?

Considering they have children together, I don't understand how working in proximity to one another would complicate things more? They must communicate regularly about the children, so his ex is already involved in your lives (so to speak). It's not like they had a 'clean' dissolution and now would be working together. The ex is always going to be involved somehow since they have children together.

It is likely that their paths will cross quite frequently.

Yes, @strawberrysea, lying by omission is indeed actual lying. Your Partner has intentionally deceived you for months regarding his Ex’s presence at his upcoming new building. This lack of honesty and transparency is atypical, so his behavior change is a red flag.

I would be addressing his glaring omission and getting to the bottom of it asap.

I have never had retroactive jealously before in other relationships but it has been quite bad throughout this one given that they share children

Does he know how jealous you feel? Is this why he didn't tell you? Is he afraid of how you might react?

I have never had retroactive jealously before in other relationships but it has been quite bad throughout this one given that they share children

Does he know how jealous you feel? Is this why he didn't tell you? Is he afraid of how you might react?

He's got a high conflict ex, 2 kids, and there's quite an age gap. You don't feel secure in your relationship or trust him or him working in the same office as his ex wouldn't be a blip on your radar. I think the worst is you're jealous he's had kids with another woman.

It really sounds like this is not going to be a good fit relationship for you or him or his kids.

I think you should spend some time on the step parenting board to read about all the issues with step children, and 'blended' families (if you plan on adding children down the track) - before you saddle yourself with a much older man with children.