To not feel the need to deal with my aversion / phobia of dogs?

[myissuemychoice]

I don’t like dogs - nothing against them in a malicious way, I just don’t like them on 2 levels. I have a phobia and am quite scared of them but I also have a severe sensory aversion to the smell of dog and anywhere they’ve been (due to ASD and OCD). Just the thought of hair / slobber/ dog poo etc. it’s just not for me.

I manage this by avoiding dogs. I don’t go to any dog friendly cafes etc (I don’t mind that they exist I can see why a lot of people like them it’s fine), if we go out and I see a dog running at us in a park for example I’ll do my best to just quickly move out of the way etc with as little fuss as possible.

The problem is that in the last few years since Covid a lot of family have got puppies / dogs and now I can’t go to their homes at all. They are all telling me to have therapy/ put up with it for a couple of hours . I don’t want to ! They can see us out somewhere or at our house so it wouldn’t affect any relationships . It keeps being mentioned as something I need to change but I’m quite happy managing things as I am ? AIBU to just carry on as I am ?

I get you OP.
Same here. Avoid is my way, no fuss, no comment, just avoid.

Dog owners just don’t get it.
I have had conversations with dog owners who genuinely believe that their dog is the dog to cure me. When out, dogs jumping up at me with stuff coming out of their mouths, mud all over them are “ just being friendly and saying hello”.
It’s the dogs home so they don’t like being shut in another room, or “of course I’ll put the dog out when you get here!” Only to let it back in after 10 minutes, or on work TEAMs meetings allowing them on laps and on the screen to “say hello”.

There is always an assumption that everyone loves dogs, it’s awkward and uncomfortable and I feel like a villain when I can’t bring myself to be all gushy and adoring.

I am very frightened of them, I don’t take any pleasure in seeing them in ANY capacity.

Avoid as much as I can.

Was going to say YABU but then realised I don’t go to FIL’s house as it is full of giant spiders. So YANBU really

Kind of what I said in my previous post I did vote YANBU but YABU if you are expecting or hoping family/friends will change plans or change their lifestyle to suit you. They have chosen to get dogs and their lifestyle will likely reflect this. Eg get togethers at home / dog friendly places etc now instead of restaurants or nights where they have to leave the dog at home alone.

As a dog owner would expect friends / family to understand that my choices reflect dog ownership and yeah I’ll come and go but can only meet when I can arrange a dog sitter or only be for a short amount of time.

As for DH if he wants to go to dog friendly places etc/ homes with dogs then you should let him. He shouldn’t have to miss out on get togethers because you have a fear or dislike of dogs. So if you DH wants to go and you really can’t get past the dogs being around then let him go.

Yeah you can ask people to lock away dogs etc when you visit and this might be a compromise (you dislike of dogs smells etc then having to lock the dog away. you also have to respect the home owners decision (I know my home wouldn’t allow this as it’s open plan) and wouldn’t be happy doing this for more than a short space of time as he would have to be crated. You also have to accept this might be the only way forward. if friends and family are so adamant about involving the dog or don’t want to compromise on meeting elsewhere.

Yanbu but you can't really expect others to change plans for your issues. You just have to accept that if the cafe they want to go to allows dogs or if they don't fancy going out and would rather host at their house, you will miss out.

I had a dog jump in my pushchair when I was very little and had a phobia of dogs as a result. Probably up until my 30s I was uncomfortable around them and things like a walk in the local woods were a no-no. I am now OK with almost all save the bully dogs others mentioned. During 2020 when on local walks during the pandemic restrictions almost every dog saw me as a possible source of treats!

If you are OK with the restrictions it brings, that is your choice. The family members suggesting therapy seem to want it for them, not you.

Hope somehow it eases in time.

This is the thing - I do accept it and it’s fine but they don’t and start going on about my problem, that I need to have therapy and change rather than just accepting it

I have not got a phobia or are frightened of dogs but I feel the same way as you. I would not want a dog running up to me and I wouldn't really want to go in a house with a dogs

Could it maybe be because you have turned down invitations to things or cancelled plans because it’s in dog friendly places/their homes ? When they are trying to include you in plans but your backing out or not going because of them?

Or and don’t shoot me down for this but because DH has maybe had a moan to family/friends about it?

Again I think your being reasonable, if dogs aren’t for you then that’s totally ok but I’m just looking at all angles and they maybe think that if you could get over that then you will be able to accept invitations to places more frequently or DH might need to stop missing out too

But OP does not have a phobia !!

she does not LiKE dogs and does not wish to like dogs - that is. It the same as an anxiety disorder such as phobia or OCD

therefore phobia treatment would be unsuccessful

it’s like someone who hates the feeling of labels on their clothes -
they just don’t like it and prefer to not have labels left in

It’s an aversion and a phobia if I see a dog when out I quickly change direction to avoid it , if one is running towards me I will have to get away as quickly as I can

Is that a fear response- if I don’t run, something bad will happen to me ??

or I just really don’t wanna be around dogs /
preference ??

I'm afraid of dogs too. Perhaps not a phobia but I would be terrified if one came running to me. I also don't like petting dogs or anything to do with them. However, a well behaved dog who ignores me I am fine with.

In your situation you feel perfectly happy with your life avoiding dogs as needed. I would just continue with that and the family can just accept it.

Just to add, if you don't want to be helped get over a phobia then therapy won't work. Therapy only works if you actually WANT to be helped.

It’s fear it’s completely different to the aversion about the smell etc

Nothing wrong with you at all and you most certainly don’t need therapy. I’m not keen on dogs either and I wouldn’t go out of my way to pet them. I’ll respect other people’s but only from a distance.

Just as people who are terrified of heights avoid walking along the top of cliffs then as long as you avoid places where people walk their dogs, you will be fine.

It would just be mad to go to a public park, country park or scenic area where people enjoy walking their dogs, wouldn’t it? 😕

I'm terrified of dogs, big, small, friendly, barky, docile. All of them. Always have been.

It's a totally irrational, heart pounding, panicky fear. I've tried therapy, I have my methods of avoiding them but it can be limiting.

In my experience, almost every dog owner thinks their dog is the one to 'cure me.' Or will be the one dog I can't possibly be scared of. Or thinks my fear is simply about being hurt - don't worry he won't hurt you!

I always find it heartening and helpful to read so many responsible dog owners on here. I just don't meet many of them!

I'm thinking about going down the allergy route when it comes to playdates with my son. People don't understand a fear of dogs at all, in general. It's often sneered at, yet a fear of spiders is totally understood. It's a mystery.

It's your choice. But don't be surprised if your dog owning friends & family members will be leaving you out of meet ups and other gatherings. Because as nice as it is to go out somewhere, having friends and family round for lunch, bbq or just a cuppa is sometimes the better option.

YANBU. I love dogs, but I completely understand that some people don't, and that some are afraid of them. You shouldn't have to change to suit your family members.

I don’t know what you should or shouldn’t do but sharing my experience in case you’re interested: for years I was intensely scared of dogs and would avoid them or freeze if I couldn’t get away (I didn’t have any friends with dogs at the time, it was running into them randomly). I got over it quite suddenly without therapy and it made life much easier. I own a dog now!

I think about a different animal phobia I have (too gross to name but truly irrational) and the idea of going through treatment is horrific to me so I sympathise with not enjoying people suggesting it. Luckily it’s not something that affects life anywhere near enough to warrant treatment.

I had to train myself out of running away from them as they just chased me 🤣

I do think all phobias should be addressed. They are a sign of poor mental health and avoidance isn’t good enough.

You don’t have to like dogs, but to be unable to go in any house or venue that has them even if they are shut away is not a way to live.

Then by all means carry on but DH & family are likely to want to go to those places anyway without you.

She states in OP that she has diagnosis of OCD.

OCD is a serious anxiety disorder & not the same as a like/dislike.

If it was just a dislike then she probably needs to compromise between what she likes & what the rest of the family likes.

No she’s not. I dislike dogs immensely. I’m not phobic but I definitely avoid them and places they are. I avoid people’s houses with dogs.

I’m a dog lover but hate the entitled over sentimentalised owners that feel you should be in service to their dog. Stand by your right to do whatever you need & if that means avoiding their little darlings so be it. Where’s the empathy for you who clearly has a pretty strong phobia & sensory reaction to them. Like why would you knowingly want to expose someone to something that is so aversive to them? And I love dogs honestly!