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Original poster

Sons lifestyle choice has divided the family

67 replies

helloall987 · 13/07/2025 00:24

So we have a little bit of a situation going on in our house at the moment. There is myself DH, DD18 and DS17. DS is gay and out and proud. DH finds it really hard and finds him hard to be around because it makes him feel uncomfortable. DD is very close to her dad and he has told her how uncomfortable he is with how DS has decided to live his life.

DH doesn't really want much to do with me anymore because of my son and the way I just seem to allow it and he also blames me for encouraging his love of dance and glitter when he was little.

DD has just said to me that I need to see the situation from her dad's side. He finds it hard and all I keep doing is pushing it in his face by allowing DS to be gay in the house.

She also said to me that if she was gay she wouldn't ever act on it as it isn't something her dad would like and she respects him too much to ever do anything to upset him and DS is only thinking about himself and not if the feelings of those around him.

I think DH will probably leave me soon which i am fully prepared for but I will always support my son..but I think my DD will support her dad as she hates seeing him upset.

My DD's attitude has shocked me a bit- and I am not really sure what to do for the best. I think my sons
lifestyle choice has broken the family.

OP posts:
OneNaiceSnail · 13/07/2025 00:46

Next he’ll be asking his nan to ‘beat his meat’

ToKittyornottoKitty · 13/07/2025 00:46

helloall987 · 13/07/2025 00:40

OK maybe not the best choice of words so I apologise. I fully support my son and will always advocate for him but I feel I will lose DD over this as she is do blinded about being kind to her dad as she hates seeing him upset. She says he isn't strong enough to cope and I am a harder person so she doesn't care so much about upsetting me as I don't get easily offended or upset anyway.

Well then show her some emotion and talk to her.

Why are you waiting around for your homophobic husband to leave you and ditch his son? Kick the looser out.

JustSawJohnny · 13/07/2025 00:47

..lifestyle choice
..how DS has decided to live his life.
..my sons lifestyle choice has broken the family.

Fuck ALL of this.
Being gay is not a choice.
It is how DS was born.
It's not his fault his Dad is a homophobic twat.

DH doesn't really want much to do with me anymore because of my son and the way I just seem to allow it

DH is an ignorant arsehole and a poor excuse for a Father.

She also said to me that if she was gay she wouldn't ever act on it as it isn't something her dad would like and she respects him too much to ever do anything to upset him

No empathy, huh? She sounds lovely.

I am not really sure what to do for the best.

I'd start by telling DH what a throwback fucking idiot he is.

THE ONLY PERSON RUINING YOUR FAMILY IS DH.

HE IS CHOOSING TO BE A MASSIVE SHIT.

murasaki · 13/07/2025 00:50

I'm sorry you are married to a massive homophobe and have an awful daughter who panders to his bigotry.

I'm glad you seem to support your son, in what is not a lifestyle choice, it's who he is.

Glitter did not make this. If your husband's love for his son is so shallow, show him the door and lock it after him.

MeganM3 · 13/07/2025 00:50

Your H is homophobic and that is the problem. Not you, or your son or your daughter. Your husband has issues that can’t be excused - ‘gay’ lifestyle has been accepted and we have been educated about it for half a century. If he is uncomfortable for some ridiculous reason then that is fully on him. And embarrassing tbh.

Your daughter will see sense. You could explain to her why her father has no good reason to feel uncomfortable. Let her know you love, accept and appreciate both your children just as they are. Stick to your guns. Bye bye H, you’ll be happier without him no doubt.

JustSawJohnny · 13/07/2025 00:50

helloall987 · 13/07/2025 00:40

OK maybe not the best choice of words so I apologise. I fully support my son and will always advocate for him but I feel I will lose DD over this as she is do blinded about being kind to her dad as she hates seeing him upset. She says he isn't strong enough to cope and I am a harder person so she doesn't care so much about upsetting me as I don't get easily offended or upset anyway.

Doesn't seem to give much of a shit about her brother though, hey?

Is DH racist, too?

Maybe her tune would change if she suffered his wrath for bringing a 'brown boy' home.

murasaki · 13/07/2025 00:52

helloall987 · 13/07/2025 00:40

OK maybe not the best choice of words so I apologise. I fully support my son and will always advocate for him but I feel I will lose DD over this as she is do blinded about being kind to her dad as she hates seeing him upset. She says he isn't strong enough to cope and I am a harder person so she doesn't care so much about upsetting me as I don't get easily offended or upset anyway.

What exactly does he need to cope with?

bluecurtains14 · 13/07/2025 00:54

DH is a homophobic arse and I'd be starting divorce proceedings myself.

TheGrimSqueakersFlea · 13/07/2025 00:56

Glitter doesn't make you gay. Throw some glitter on your husband, and ask him if if he's gay now.

titchy · 13/07/2025 00:56

And this all came about as school hols began…? Enjoy!

murasaki · 13/07/2025 00:58

According to your logic, I'd be a lesbian or a transman, as my dad, the stay at home parent, mostly spent time with me playing or watching cricket, making bow and arrows, building trucks out of meccano and climbing trees as those were in his wheelhouse. I am neither of those things, not that he'd be bothered if I were. He did build a lovely castle for my My little ponies though.

Glitter and dance are red herrings.

SmellsLikeTippex · 13/07/2025 01:04

helloall987 · 13/07/2025 00:40

OK maybe not the best choice of words so I apologise. I fully support my son and will always advocate for him but I feel I will lose DD over this as she is do blinded about being kind to her dad as she hates seeing him upset. She says he isn't strong enough to cope and I am a harder person so she doesn't care so much about upsetting me as I don't get easily offended or upset anyway.

Point out that the best way of being ‘kind’ to her father is to give him a sound verbal kicking about his homophobia, and suggest a profound apology to her brother.

Noshadelamp · 13/07/2025 01:05

helloall987 · 13/07/2025 00:40

OK maybe not the best choice of words so I apologise. I fully support my son and will always advocate for him but I feel I will lose DD over this as she is do blinded about being kind to her dad as she hates seeing him upset. She says he isn't strong enough to cope and I am a harder person so she doesn't care so much about upsetting me as I don't get easily offended or upset anyway.

Or she's scared of your DH and will keep the peace and his favour towards her no matter what. She's seen how your ds is treated by your DH and doesn't want that treatment herself.

Your DH sounds abusive and he's emotionally manipulating your DD.

What did you say to her when she said if she was gay she wouldn't act on it so she didn't upset her df?

Hopefully you told her you would want her to live her life however she wanted, whatever makes her happy and fulfilled.

Your DH is a disgusting excuse of a father to turn against his own ds and have his own dd scared to upset him.

Shnuzzbucket · 13/07/2025 01:06

helloall987 · 13/07/2025 00:40

OK maybe not the best choice of words so I apologise. I fully support my son and will always advocate for him but I feel I will lose DD over this as she is do blinded about being kind to her dad as she hates seeing him upset. She says he isn't strong enough to cope and I am a harder person so she doesn't care so much about upsetting me as I don't get easily offended or upset anyway.

You dont fully support your son though, do you?

Your son is who he is, its not a choice.

Edit

One reason your dd may feel easier to go against you, is that she feels more confident in your love for her than your stbx?

JustSawJohnny · 13/07/2025 01:07

TheGrimSqueakersFlea · 13/07/2025 00:56

Glitter doesn't make you gay. Throw some glitter on your husband, and ask him if if he's gay now.

Oh please do, OP 😆

Maybe stick a red sock in with his tighty wighties?

Only serve savaloy for dinner for the foreseeable?

When he asks for a beer, hand him a cherry lambrini with an umbrella in it?

So many options!

Orangewinegum8481 · 13/07/2025 01:07

Being gay isn't a lifestyle choice. What is a lifestyle choice, is staying with that homophobic husband.

MuckFusk · 13/07/2025 01:07

Your son being gay has not divided the family, it has exposed that your husband is a disgusting homophobe.
If he leaves it will (after a grieving period) eventually end up being a relief to you, as it sounds like he is a horrid husband too.
You're right to be very concerned about the situation with your daughter. It sounds like what is known as emotional incest, where a parent uses a child as a spouse substitute in terms of emotional support. This is very damaging and your daughter needs to get therapy for this. Talk to her about it. Tell her how wrong homophobia is and explain emotional incest (after doing some research on it) and suggest she get therapy. Perhaps then she can break free of her awful father.

As others have said, stop saying being gay is a lifestyle choice. It isn't neither a choice nor a lifestyle.

ThatsNotMyTeen · 13/07/2025 01:07

Being gay is not a lifestyle choice

Being homophobic like your husband and daughter is

CallMeFlo · 13/07/2025 01:11

Awww a family ruined by a poor boy catching the gay from glitter

MuckFusk · 13/07/2025 01:15

Folks, I'm getting the impression they're a religious family in a conservative congregation, hence the massive ignorance about the subject and the bigotry. If that's the case OP needs to get her daughter the hell away from that church, because they are indoctrinating her with this hateful crap.

Oakcupboard · 13/07/2025 01:23

Hillrunning · 13/07/2025 00:29

Your husband is what has broken your family.

This with bells on!

MeTooOverHere · 13/07/2025 01:24

What exactly is your son doing in the way of "being gay while at home" that is so difficult for your husband to "cope with"?
I don't understand what the issue is. Does he bring half a dozen mates around for a gay orgy? Does he dance thru the house throwing glitter everywhere?
He's gay. As long as he's being polite and respectful and civil, what's the problem?

SixteenClovesOfGarlic · 13/07/2025 01:29

by allowing DS to be gay in the house

What does this involve?

That sucks that your fella and daughter are utter embarrassments, good luck with that.

BruisedNeckMeat · 13/07/2025 01:38

What are these threads trying to achieve?

Whoever is posting these really know how to rile up the mumsnetters.

Citylady88 · 13/07/2025 01:42

You have a homophobic husband and daughter. Their intolerance and bigotry is the problem. Your son is not the problem