“Struggling in my marriage after becoming a parent – is this normal?

[Fandyman]

Hi everyone,

I’m a 41-year-old husband and a father to a 2.5-year-old daughter. For a long time now, I’ve been feeling mentally and emotionally exhausted in my relationship with my wife. I honestly don’t know anymore if this is just a rough patch, personality differences, parenting stress — or something more serious like emotional abuse, contempt, or a complete lack of respect.
My wife hasn’t worked since our daughter was born (over 2 years ago). I fully acknowledge that being a stay-at-home parent is a full-time job — I don’t minimize that. I work full-time from home in a demanding job. I try to help around the house and be involved with our child, though it’s not always easy.
Some examples of what concerns me:

• She reacts with anger, sarcasm, or contempt over everyday things (e.g., if I forget to bring the baby monitor into the kitchen, I get a verbal attack).
• When I try to express how I feel or suggest anything, I get mocked. She’ll say things like: “Did you check with ChatGPT first?” or “Money isn’t everything, you know” — as if I’m only useful for my income.
• We haven’t had any physical intimacy for two years. Anytime I try to talk about it, she shuts down, gets angry, or walks away.
• Our daughter is very attached to her, which is understandable, but every time I try to step in (e.g. bath time, medicine, bedtime), my wife often takes over or criticizes what I do.
• When something like an accident happens (e.g. our toddler pooped on the carpet), and I respond calmly (“oh dear”), she shouts at me in front of our child: “Don’t say that, you’ll traumatize her for life!” — even though I try to be gentle.
• Even simple things like planning childcare, visiting family, or going on holiday turn into conflict or silent treatment. It feels like no suggestion is ever okay.

More recently:

• One morning I gave our daughter a yogurt with blueberries straight from the container. My wife got angry that I didn’t wash or cut the berries into tiny pieces. I get being careful, but the way it was delivered — with contempt and zero acknowledgment that I tried — felt harsh.
• Another example: We bought our daughter a small toy ball while traveling. She lost it in the street a few minutes later (she's 2, of course she drops things). My wife got visibly upset and insisted on going back to buy the exact same one, convinced our daughter was crying because she needed it back. When I suggested maybe she was just overwhelmed or tired, she told me I “never understand anything about kids.” She also later told our daughter, “How can you be such a stupid child?” — which really shocked me. When I suggested she apologize, she flat-out refused.

I know she might be emotionally overwhelmed or exhausted. I get that 24/7 childcare is hard. But her tone, mood swings, and unwillingness to reflect on her behavior are starting to wear me down. Sometimes I feel like I’m just keeping the house running, bringing in the money, but emotionally I’m invisible — or worse, treated like the enemy. Is this emotional abuse? Are we just two burned-out people who can’t connect? Or is this relationship becoming toxic — especially for our daughter? Has anyone here gone through something similar — especially in early parenthood? I’m still trying. But I feel like I’m slowly disappearing in this dynamic, and I don’t know how long I can keep going.

Thanks in advance for any honest advice.

Kindly, think about couples therapy. Children will sense the pass ag dynamic.

Think about where you want to get to in your relationship, with both your partner and your child. As neutrally as possible explain that to your DW. It’s not healthy to continue as you are.

This sounds a horrible situation to be in. how old is your wife? is she depressed or has she just gone off you. I would not like the way she speaks to me. Also she’s not giving you a chance to spend time with your dd. I would sit her down when child is in bed explaining how you feel how’s she treating you and ask her outright does she still want to be married to you? Her face will say it all.

Is your wife sleep deprived?

There might be two sides to every story but shes being very unreasonable towards you. Quite nasty actually.

I suggest you really consider your future with her, consult a solicitor, maybe try couples therapy but it really does sound as if she’s in contempt of you and I doubt that’ll change.

If it comes to it, dont have unprotected sex with her until you’ve got your marriage on a better footing.
Another child will cause an even deeper chasm for your marriage.
Good luck OP.

What was she like before you had a child? Parenting is hard but were there issues before? Or is it like a total personality change?

I know a woman like this. Her children became her world to the detriment of her marriage. The dad could do no right. It sounds like your partner is resentful and scornful of you for not doing enough, but also won’t let you do more because she thinks she’s the only one who can do it properly. Tricky.

Thank you — I agree this isn’t sustainable. I’ve thought a lot about therapy, and I’d be open to it. The problem is that every time I try to raise anything deeper — like how we speak to each other, or how we co-parent — my wife either shuts down, gets angry, or turns it into a fight about how I am the problem.

I know kids absorb emotional undercurrents. That’s one of the things that hurts the most — watching our daughter grow up in a climate of sarcasm, shouting, or silence.

I don’t want her to grow up thinking this is what a relationship is supposed to feel like.

It is not okay for her to behave like that.

Do you really still want to be married to her? It sounds like she has totally checked out of the marriage. If you left her, she would have to get a job and you’d have your dc 50% of the time. You’d be allowed to develop your parenting skills, and she may be able to recapture her sense of self worth by having an income .

I wouldn’t punish myself by staying unmarried like this, give her an ultimatum: change or it’s over

She’s 36, and I’ve asked myself the same — is this burnout, resentment, or something deeper like depression? I’ve suggested therapy and even offered to talk to someone together, but she says I always make her feel like “she’s the broken one.” So the conversation dies.

You’re right about how she speaks to me — it often feels like contempt. And when I do spend time with our daughter, it’s micromanaged or interrupted, like I’m being tested.

A few times I’ve asked, “Do you even want to be married to me anymore?” — and I get either silence or sarcasm in return. It’s honestly really painful.

Yes, she is probably sleep deprived — especially over the last two years. But our daughter sleeps through the night now, and still the emotional climate hasn’t changed. So while I understand tiredness, I don’t think that explains everything.

I get that parenting is exhausting, but that doesn’t make this kind of behaviour okay.

From what I understand it is pretty normal for levels of relationship satisfaction to fall after you’ve had a child but it does usually recover. Your wife may be depressed or there could as you say something deeper going on.

"What was she like before we had a child?"

Before our daughter was born, things weren’t perfect — we did have communication issues — but I could still see hope and we could enjoy each other’s company. I sometimes felt like I had to walk on eggshells or tiptoe around her moods, but I chalked it up to stress, her upbringing, or just the usual relationship challenges.

After becoming parents, though, things changed dramatically. She became far more reactive, critical, and emotionally volatile. I know parenting is an enormous shift — especially for the primary caregiver — and I’ve really tried to support her in that. I’ve taken on the full financial burden, I do a lot of the shopping, and the admin. But emotionally, it feels like I’ve been shut out and treated like an enemy or a nuisance.

"There might be two sides…"

I appreciate the balance in your comment. You’re right — there are always two sides. I’m far from perfect, and I know there were times I stepped back to avoid conflict, especially when I felt like nothing I said or did was good enough.

But what’s been happening lately has been really painful. For example:

She recently told our 2-year-old daughter “How can you be such a stupid child?” after she lost a toy.

She mocked me for being unwell after a wisdom tooth extraction, accusing me of hiding in the toilet to avoid parenting.

If I try to help, she either criticizes or takes over — then later accuses me of being uninvolved.

I’ve raised the idea of therapy gently a few times, but she says I always make her feel like everything is “her fault,” and then shuts down.

You’re right that contempt seems to have crept in — and I’ve read enough to know that when that shows up, it’s a big red flag. I’ve been hesitant to talk to a solicitor because I didn’t want to think it would come to that… but maybe I do need to start thinking long-term, for everyone’s sake — including our daughter’s.

Thanks also for the advice about not having another child until things are better. I honestly hadn’t even considered that, but you’re right — that would likely make everything worse right now.

She sounds resentful, perhaps she shouldn't be a SAHM

Do you do your share of the ‘mental load’ and parenting when you’re not at work? Do you both have equal time off? Do you have equal access to money? This is usually the wellspring of resentment tbh. Ask yourself these questions honestly.

Did anything happen during the birth that was traumatising? I guess that’s the other thing that I was thinking about. Anger can be a sign of trauma or depression.

I think there's 2 sides

I'd find a calm moment and suggest couples therapy again. Explain its not about her being wrong or you being wrong...its about the life you want together as a family - she cant be happy like this

Things do get better once child hits 3 ish.
I would also just really recommend starting taking your child out solo for a few hours at the weekend.

I specifically had to make myself step back but I see a lot of mum friends being v controlling doing it because "he does it like X and its WRONG"
Like who cares? Is it that big of a deal if the sandwich is squares not triangles?

You will build more of a bond with your child. It can be something basic like going out and getting coffee amd pastries and taking 2 yo with you, park and playground or feed the duckies or a combo of those things.
Other thing to research is dad playgroups there are 3 now in our area

Its also a great way to meet more dads locally

You need to be clear you are unhappy you believe she is unhappy you want to try couples therapy. No blame just solution. If she says no you have your answer you either accept this is your marriage or you leave. If you leave you need to be prepared to fight for shared custody as she may not want you to see your child alone .

I think there's 2 sides

I'd find a calm moment and suggest couples therapy again. Explain its not about her being wrong or you being wrong...its about the life you want together as a family - she cant be happy like this

Things do get better once child hits 3 ish.
I would also just really recommend starting taking your child out solo for a few hours at the weekend.

I specifically had to make myself step back but I see a lot of mum friend doing it because "he does it like X and its WRONG"
Like who cares? Is it that big of a deal if the sandwich is squares not triangles?

You will build more of a bond with your child. It can be something basic like going out and getting coffee amd pastries and taking 2 yo with you, park and playground or feed the duckies or a combo of those things.
Other thing to research is dad playgroups there are 3 now in our area

Its also a great way to meet more dads locally

Thanks again for raising those thoughtful questions — I’ve reflected a lot on them over the past months.

Do I do my share of the parenting and mental load?
I’ll be honest — I didn’t cook or handle meals, that’s true. But over the last few months, I’ve become much more hands-on with our daughter’s care — especially with things like bathing, dressing, nappy changes, and playing with her. My wife has started to trust me more in that role, and I really do want to build that connection.

The bedtime routine is still very much “mum only” — our daughter gets extremely distressed if I try to put her to sleep. That strong preference for mum has become a pattern — I think it’s partly developmental, but also partly reinforced by how my wife responds when I try to step in. Sometimes even in front of our child, she’ll criticise or undermine me, which makes it even harder for me to build confidence or connection.

After work, I come downstairs right away and spend all my time with them until our daughter goes to bed — I don’t hide away.

Have I always been that present?
To be fair — last year I spent a lot of my free time doing practical work around the house (we had some big DIY jobs that needed handling). So I wasn’t as available as I could have been emotionally. But over the past few months, I’ve tried hard to rebalance things. I want to be there for both of them. I have to admit that due to various reasons she was the only caregiver for most of the 2 years until recently but it was in a large portion due to my wife rejecting me and my opinions etc on how i wanted our baby to be looked after.

Access to money / time off?
We’ve shared finances since our daughter was born. I’ve covered everything financially, and she’s never had to ask permission for spending — nor would I want her to. I also know being at home all day with a toddler is draining. But at the same time, she does get moments of quiet (during naps, or when our daughter watches a show), while I’m in meetings or under pressure at work with no real break.

Was the birth traumatic?
Not in a clinical sense — but the transition into motherhood was clearly very intense for her. She still carries our 2-year-old everywhere and rarely uses the pram. I think there’s been some kind of emotional fusion between her and our daughter, and I often feel like an outsider — both emotionally and physically.

That’s been hard. Especially because even small attempts to connect or help can be met with criticism or rejection — which creates even more distance.

I think if she keeps shutting you down with no explanation you should be straight with her say I’m considering a divorce and how much custody you would have. You can’t fix her maybe she gets frustrated with dd wanting her but she has allowed this by being over critical with you. Ask her if she would prefer to to go to work? It is much easier than being home all day. The fact there has been nothing sexual between you I can’t imagine that changing unless she wants a 2nd dc. Give her one more chance then make your decision.

It isn't unusual for the whole dynamic of a relationship to change when kids come along. Sometimes (and I've personally witnessed this with a couple of female friends) the woman actually does become contemptuous of her husband after having a child. He can do no right and sex is also off the cards because that mission has been fulfilled. It's as if he's served his purpose and now he's basically a nuisance. I mean, your wife might have depression or deep routed issues but unless she's prepared to tackle them (and maybe even if she is) I should seriously consider your future together.

Thanks for your thoughtful comment. To your question — things between us definitely got worse after becoming parents. There were some issues before, but the current level of tension and hostility wasn’t there. I wouldn’t say she’s had a total personality change, but something fundamental has shifted since our daughter was born.

As for work and childcare, she hasn’t worked since our daughter’s birth. Early on, we both agreed — for slightly different reasons — that she would stay at home. From my side, I was working from home in a demanding job, and the idea of having a childminder or nanny around all day while I worked in the next room just felt awkward and intrusive. From her side, she said her income would be more or less the same as a nursery or childminder’s salary, so what was the point of working just to cover childcare?

When our daughter turned one, I gently raised the idea of nursery, but she would shut it down — first saying it was too early, then later saying there’s no point sending her for a few months if full nursery starts soon. Meanwhile, the tension between us kept building.

Eventually I asked her directly why she’s treating me this way. Her answer hit hard: she said it was a punishment, because she believes I never did enough — that I’ve always left her alone with everything and that my presence has been meaningless.

That’s not how I see it. I’ve taken on full financial responsibility, all household bills, and in recent months, I’ve made a conscious effort to be more involved with our daughter — bath times, evenings, just being present. But it feels like no matter what I do, it’s never enough. It’s exhausting.

This isn’t about assigning all blame. I get that she may feel overwhelmed or resentful. But when emotional support is replaced with constant criticism, sarcasm, and contempt… I start questioning whether this is even sustainable, or fair to our daughter.

You can’t be punished for ever look to get out she hates you.

I think it's telling that your wife has directly told you why she is going this but it doesn't sound like you've really internalised it? Financial responsibility is by no means enough to support a partner with a young child! You mention things like the fact that you spent a lot of time previously doing DIY etc rather than supporting and that it's only in more recent months you have stepped up to the plate (now, frankly, that things are a bit easier with an older toddler). It sounds like you have broken your wife's trust in you to support her when she needs it by not being present enough when your child was younger. A couple of months of being much more engaged isn't going to be enough for her to trust you again. If you really want to work on the relationship, I suggest you actively apologise to her if she didn't feel supported in the past, and double your efforts to support her now. Offer to cook a few times a week. Anticipate what needs doing and do it before she has to. Show her she can rely on you again. And try to have a conversation about her behaviour towards you, ideally once she's had time to simmer down, calmly try to say that it's not okay to speak to you that way and sets a poor example for your child. It may be that the relationship is just broken at this point but it sounds like you do really want to try.

I think you’ve answered your own question, you openly admit you have only stepped up in the last few months. Your wife’s resentment has probably been growing for nearly two years.
i understand you were bringing in the money but that doesn’t omit you from doing much else.
Your wife may have felt unable to return to work as she knew she would still be doing everything else with your daughter and around the house.
i would be interested to hear her side.

She sounds absolutely insufferable and yes, what you have described is emotional abuse. It's telling that you already had to walk on eggshells with her before the child was born. I'd be getting ready to pack it in.