“Struggling in my marriage after becoming a parent – is this normal?

[Fandyman]

Hi everyone,

I’m a 41-year-old husband and a father to a 2.5-year-old daughter. For a long time now, I’ve been feeling mentally and emotionally exhausted in my relationship with my wife. I honestly don’t know anymore if this is just a rough patch, personality differences, parenting stress — or something more serious like emotional abuse, contempt, or a complete lack of respect.
My wife hasn’t worked since our daughter was born (over 2 years ago). I fully acknowledge that being a stay-at-home parent is a full-time job — I don’t minimize that. I work full-time from home in a demanding job. I try to help around the house and be involved with our child, though it’s not always easy.
Some examples of what concerns me:

• She reacts with anger, sarcasm, or contempt over everyday things (e.g., if I forget to bring the baby monitor into the kitchen, I get a verbal attack).
• When I try to express how I feel or suggest anything, I get mocked. She’ll say things like: “Did you check with ChatGPT first?” or “Money isn’t everything, you know” — as if I’m only useful for my income.
• We haven’t had any physical intimacy for two years. Anytime I try to talk about it, she shuts down, gets angry, or walks away.
• Our daughter is very attached to her, which is understandable, but every time I try to step in (e.g. bath time, medicine, bedtime), my wife often takes over or criticizes what I do.
• When something like an accident happens (e.g. our toddler pooped on the carpet), and I respond calmly (“oh dear”), she shouts at me in front of our child: “Don’t say that, you’ll traumatize her for life!” — even though I try to be gentle.
• Even simple things like planning childcare, visiting family, or going on holiday turn into conflict or silent treatment. It feels like no suggestion is ever okay.

More recently:

• One morning I gave our daughter a yogurt with blueberries straight from the container. My wife got angry that I didn’t wash or cut the berries into tiny pieces. I get being careful, but the way it was delivered — with contempt and zero acknowledgment that I tried — felt harsh.
• Another example: We bought our daughter a small toy ball while traveling. She lost it in the street a few minutes later (she's 2, of course she drops things). My wife got visibly upset and insisted on going back to buy the exact same one, convinced our daughter was crying because she needed it back. When I suggested maybe she was just overwhelmed or tired, she told me I “never understand anything about kids.” She also later told our daughter, “How can you be such a stupid child?” — which really shocked me. When I suggested she apologize, she flat-out refused.

I know she might be emotionally overwhelmed or exhausted. I get that 24/7 childcare is hard. But her tone, mood swings, and unwillingness to reflect on her behavior are starting to wear me down. Sometimes I feel like I’m just keeping the house running, bringing in the money, but emotionally I’m invisible — or worse, treated like the enemy. Is this emotional abuse? Are we just two burned-out people who can’t connect? Or is this relationship becoming toxic — especially for our daughter? Has anyone here gone through something similar — especially in early parenthood? I’m still trying. But I feel like I’m slowly disappearing in this dynamic, and I don’t know how long I can keep going.

Thanks in advance for any honest advice.

She doesnt, she says nothing because the answer is yes, she doesnt like or love you and doesnt want to be married but shes not brave enough to say it.

None of that excuses her emotional and verbal abuse, which she has even started using on the child.

Thanks for your reply — I think you're right to an extent. I completely accept that I could have done more, especially in the first year. At the time, I thought I was doing my part by handling the finances entirely (I was the only income), taking care of the home (there was a lot to do post-move a year earlier), and giving her full space to parent the way she felt was right.

But I now realise that unintentionally, that also meant she carried the full emotional and physical load of daily childcare. That’s not fair, and I regret not seeing the imbalance sooner. I did suggest help (nursery or shared childcare) at various points, but it was often dismissed — either as being too soon or not worth the disruption. From my perspective, I was trying to avoid conflict, but I can see how it came across as distant or disengaged.

Over the last several months, I’ve stepped up significantly with our daughter — daily bath times, full presence after work, being more hands-on — and I did it not for “credit” but because I genuinely wanted to rebuild connection. But I feel like that effort has been invisible or met with ongoing contempt, and when I try to talk about anything difficult, I get mocked or stonewalled.

So yes — maybe her resentment has been building for a long time, and I need to own my part in that. But I also think that healing won’t come unless both sides can reflect, talk, and rebuild with mutual respect. Right now, that part feels impossible.

Could you start with an apology? Explain what you are sorry for and ask her not to respond just hear you out. Then ask her to respond the next day and you don’t speak.
really listen to each other rather than waiting to reply and defend.
At some point you both need to decide if you can move on from how you’ve both treated each other. A line needs to be drawn and you both need to take responsibility for your behaviours that have lead to where you are.
I think you will need to work with a counsellor to unpick this and learn to communicate. Before you can get to that bit you need to decide between you if things are repairable.
Good luck, it’s hard to come back from contempt but it can be done and imo worth trying if you have a child.

Honestly you sound like you have a high EQ are self reflective and aware of the situation so i am really struggling to understand how / why you watched her struggle and carry it alone for 18m + ????

I also don't understand how couples end up in situations where "only mummy can put the child to bed" what the hell were you doing every evening? we have always alternated nights...

I think this is a case of do you want to be right or do you want to get what you want.

If you want to save your marriage or change anything and start to find your way back to each other you probably need to hold your hands up admit you let her down badly give her a long detailed heartfelt apology and tell her you love her and want to built a life together, you will try and do whatever she needs but you cant do it alone. And when she wants to rage at you let her. Not indefinitely but try not to retaliate too much and let her get it out and get her to agree to therapy and couples counselling

Only you know whether its too far gone but with a child I'd need to know I exhausted every path to find my way back to the man/woman i married.

I mean, the fact that you consider “stepping up” to involve nappy changes, bathing, dressing and playing with your daughter is disgraceful if you have only been doing those things in the last few months. Presumably your wife would have been on maternity leave and pay during the first year so you wouldn’t have been the sole contributor and I can see how it would be a red flag to a bull if you have ever said that you left her to do bloody everything for TWO YEARS because you were “giving her full space to parent in the way she felt was right” - I suspect contemptuous is also how I’d be feeling towards you if I had been treated in that way.

Marriage counselling where you accept you have been a total shitbag and crap parent for the first two years might go some way to repairing your relationship but don’t even try to justify your behaviour like you are doing here because you may as well go straight for divorce if so.

Thank you — your message hit hard, but I really appreciate the honesty.

I think you're right that I need to be brutally honest with myself first. I didn’t intentionally leave the burden on her shoulders, but in practice, I now see that I did. I thought I was “helping” by providing financially and giving her full space to parent how she saw best — and I believed that by avoiding friction, I was supporting harmony. In reality, I left her feeling alone, which likely built the resentment we’re drowning in now.

The bedtime issue developed gradually. In the beginning, our daughter was breastfed and very attached, so my wife naturally did the nights. I was involved, but sleep became a real problem. I work a demanding full-time job from home, and after many months of broken nights, I physically couldn’t keep up. It wasn’t about refusing to help — it was burnout. But I admit I could have been more proactive about finding long-term solutions instead of just surviving day by day.

Later, whenever I did try to step in more, I was often criticised or dismissed — told I was doing it wrong, or she would take over mid-routine. That dynamic made it harder to stay engaged, and I gradually pulled back, trying to avoid conflict. I see now that avoidance only deepened the divide. I should’ve said much earlier, “I want to be involved — let’s find a way.”

You’re right to ask: what do I want more — to be “right,” or to rebuild something worth saving? I honestly don’t know if we’re too far gone. But I do know that our daughter deserves parents who at least tried to understand each other before walking away.

In the last few months, I’ve really stepped up — bath times, daily presence after work, being more hands-on with her, not just to tick boxes but because I genuinely want to. But if my wife still feels like I let her down — and clearly she does — then I need to own that fully. And show her I’m serious about changing the dynamic between us.

The hardest part is communication. I’ve tried to suggest therapy or counselling before, but she completely shut it down. Even her own sister recently told her she needs to speak to someone after staying with us for a few days — she saw how angry and aggressive my wife became, even toward her. I don’t say that to shame her — I know she’s struggling. But I can’t fix this alone.

Counselling is something I will continue to push for. If there’s still a chance to reconnect — for the sake of our daughter and each other — I want to try. But if we can’t even sit at the same table and speak honestly without blame or contempt, then maybe it’s already too late.

Sorry you're going through this hard time, do you go out together much? Could you possibly keep showering her with more love by buying her flowers and gifts, taking her out somewhere nice, just try to date her and let her fall in love with you again.
Seems like she's been suffering from post natal depression and it's lingered on and became resentment against you.
She probably doesn't understand herself either and blames u for everything.
It's not easy but be patient and try to win her back, go on mini vacations and do what she loves doing, being by the sea, hikes etc somewhere where she will feel better, at the moment seems like being at home with a toddler is repetitive...she needs a change, and it will be good for you both. Does she have any friends or family around? She needs to go see them regularly too. Hope everything works out for you both🙏 if after doing everything you can and nothing changes then I guess it's over 😞

Thanks for your reply — I just want to clarify something that might’ve been misunderstood.

I wasn’t absent for two years, nor did I “leave her to do everything.” I was there from the very start — doing nappy changes, night-time wakeups, long shifts alone with our daughter, bottle feeds, everything. We didn’t have any external help, no family support. For many months, we shared the physical care of our daughter roughly equally — and I was also working full-time and doing all errands and shopping on top of that.

The phrase “I gave her space to parent” maybe came out wrong. What I meant is that I often deferred to her instincts — not because I didn’t care or couldn’t be bothered, but because I was trying to support her decisions and avoid conflict. I now see how that may have felt like I was emotionally checked out, even if I was physically there and trying to help.

A lot of the “only mummy can do bedtime” dynamic wasn’t something I encouraged — it developed over time. Our daughter became extremely mummy-attached (possibly some separation anxiety), and any time I tried to step in, it was either met with rejection from the child or criticism from my wife — “you’re too slow,” “why didn’t you run up faster?” or similar. I backed off not out of laziness, but because trying harder seemed to escalate the tension. That was probably a mistake — I own that. But it wasn't from lack of care.

Also, when I mentioned stepping up recently, I didn’t mean I was doing nothing before. I’ve always been present after work, apart from a few months where I was spending spare hours insulating our freezing house a year after our daughter was born — so that we’d all be more comfortable through winter. My increased involvement now is more about trying to reconnect and repair a bond that’s been strained — not my first attempt at showing up.

I’m not here to paint myself as faultless — I’m here because I do want to see my own blind spots. But I also want to be understood fairly. It's been a tough two years for both of us. I’m just trying to figure out if it’s still possible to rebuild trust and respect between us — or if we’ve reached the point where that’s no longer possible.

Your wifes treatment isn't okay. I would say though that I do see elements of myself in her. Particularly after baby two, I felt a constant state of burnout and it would come out as a much more aggressive person that I used to be. Because even holidays don't really relax you when you have the kids around. My husband used to take the kids out for a couple of hours on a Sunday afternoon- to the park, pub, into town etc. and then come home and make dinner. It helped enormously. I'd have a long bathand uninterrupted food and tv. I don't think it was any huge coincidence that Sunday nights tended to be the nights we were intimate. I found it almost impossible to be intimate after being around little kids all day- I felt touched out and wanted to be left alone so bad.

Ultimately you can only save this through calm communication, with a therapist or otherwise. Maybe frame it with your concerns for her, she doesn't seem happy, what does she need from you etc. Do you spend any fun time together without the kids?

It she won't talk about it ever, then unfortunately it might be too far broken to fix. The further it drifts the more it needs both of you to be trying to pull it back.

Yes you can come back from this. But only if you both want this to work. You seem to so you’re halfway there.

Offer a heartfelt apology for your role in the dynamic. Say you miss her. Suggest couples counselling as a way back to each other. If she won’t go - go to counselling yourself. You deserve to be treated with love & respect either way.

I would recommend listening to Esther Perel’s podcast & books.

I agree with this...
I would say though that I do see elements of myself in her. Particularly after baby two, I felt a constant state of burnout and it would come out as a much more aggressive person that I used to be.

I'd also say its refreshing that you came on here to post and haven't flounced.

I def recognise less extreme versions of your dynamic in my friendship group. Your wife is in martyr mode and has turned inward to her child.
Being a mother is hard to navigate... as far as i can see your options are basically limited to being the nag, the hysterical woman or the martyr - it's crap all round.

Things sound very close to break point in your relationship.
You do need to find the fun and reconnect - post a heart to heartchat where you ask everyone lays down their weapons I'd maybe try getting in childcare and arranging some date nights (as an fyi uou should get access to free hours now... a childminder who goes to play groups might be a nice choice) it would give her a break in the day and it would mean there is someone who your child knows and can look after your child and give you / her a break on an ad hoc basis in the evenings most CMs babysit on the side

Good.luck I really hope you can reconnect with your wife.