Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

wondering whether grandparents should/ should want to take both dds not just one for overnight stays?

34 replies

nowwearefour · 26/05/2008 15:05

our dds are nearly 3 and just 1. the youngest has been a complete pickle and i am only just weaning her off the evening breastfeed. but she is fine at night- now wakes only very rarely indeed if at all when at home. she isnt brilliant when away from home for sleeping purposes. both sets of our parents are keen to have our eldest dd (briliant sleeper) for overnight stays. my view is they are sisters, they come as a package and they should both be welcome at their grandparents' houses. but i dont know if i am being reasonable or not. how will dd2 get to know them and their places better if she never stays over there? it is difficult for us all to stay as not really enough space....would you let them just take the eldest one until they ask for the youngest? my inlaws in partic show def favouritism towards eldest and it does wrankle sometimes which is prob why this issue has come up in my mind.....

OP posts:

beaniesteve · 26/05/2008 15:07

Perhaps they feel like the are giving you a break by taking the one and allowing you more time to concentrate on the baby? As they get older perhaps they will take them both?

Original poster

nowwearefour · 26/05/2008 15:08

yes perhaps and would indeed give us more time with the baby which would be nice. but i just feel i shouldnt have to force dd2 on them they should want her?

OP posts:

onepieceoflollipop · 26/05/2008 15:09

I am not the best person to give advice re inlaws!

However I can tell you about the situation with my parents. dd1 is 4 years and recently started to have overnight stays with my parents. They would have had her before I am sure but me and dh felt more comfortable waiting (lots of reasons).

dd2 is 9 months. It is our choice (me and dh) that while her sister stays at my parents, we keep the little one with us. Again, I am sure they would have her if we asked, in fact later in the year they are having both dds. However, later in the year we are going away for 1 night, while my parents stay at our home, because I feel more comfortable with that (also I think dd2 will sleep better in her own cot).

Have your parents/ils specifically said they only want your older dd? Perhaps they are waiting for you to raise the subject of them having the little one?

beaniesteve · 26/05/2008 15:11

Did they ever take your DD1 when she was a baby?

ThingOne · 26/05/2008 15:14

YABU. Perfectly acceptable for Gps to just have older child. There is no way my mother could cope with more than one pre-schooler at a time and I wouldn't dream of asking her.

Favouritism is a different issue.

Original poster

nowwearefour · 26/05/2008 15:14

well they had her at our house shortly after i finished breastfeeding when she was 13 months and admittedly they have agreed to have them both here at our place in july when we have a precious night away. so perhaps is just a question of waiting a bit longer. i guess i feel the youngest would be ok going away as she would have her older sister with her for familiarity purposes. but perhaps i am just more relaxed with her....the in laws have said they wanted dd1 and frowned when i asked abotu dd2. my parents admittedly not said as such so they might be ok (htough my dad recovering from v serious illness so maybe they think 2 is too much?)

OP posts:

Original poster

nowwearefour · 26/05/2008 15:16

fair enough. maybe 2 is just too many when so little. i will lighten up on the subject! ironically i had been v relaxed about my brother just having dd1 as they dont have kids and i thought 2 would be too many but they younger so could prob cope better!

OP posts:

shatteredmumsrus · 26/05/2008 15:18

I would be grateful that they have offered to have your eldest dd. My sons are 8 and 3 and have never stayed at either grandparents and both are good sleepers and well behaved???????????????????????

Dynamicnanny · 26/05/2008 15:23

YABU - you just said she has an evening breast feed and still isn't 100% sleeping through the night.

Yes there are grandparents who do - I am staying with some next week with their youngest GC 8 mo - but I would just be happy that they are taking 1 of them tbh - your oldest would have a blast

3andnomore · 26/05/2008 15:24

hm...considering your youngest age...I don't think it would be fair to "expect" your parents to have both....a 3 year old is a whole different matter to a 1 year old and also 2 children could also unsettle eachother if in different surroundings...
once your youngest is a bit older and more "independent", and they still wouldn't take her aswell, or at least give each the chance individually to stay with them...then I would think they are unreasonable!

3andnomore · 26/05/2008 15:24

I was trying to say what onehting did, really, lol...

kid · 26/05/2008 15:28

My two both (9 & 6) stay at their GP but on separate nights because they argue so much with eachother!

It does annoy me a little bit, but if my kids want to both sleep there on the same night, then they need to prove they can behave together!

If I was going out, their GP would have both of them. As it is, they have my eldest every Saturday.

Original poster

nowwearefour · 26/05/2008 15:29

i prob wasnt clear re evening breastfeed- it has now stopped but only v recently. she does sleep through the night at home but i couldnt admittedly guarantee it at their place. but i do take all of your points on board - thanks. i havent been able to see whether is linked to the favouritism thing or something separate. seems it is separate....

OP posts:

3andnomore · 26/05/2008 15:42

when your 3 year old was younger...did they take her over night?

Original poster

nowwearefour · 26/05/2008 18:58

a little bit, yes (ie twice?), but not v v often as i was quite precious about it i suppose!

OP posts:

BreeVanDerCampLGJ · 26/05/2008 19:05

They are grandparents not parents, they have done their time. It is not unreasonable for them to expect to mind children that sleep through.

Your children are not a package, they are individuals.

3andnomore · 26/05/2008 19:11

hm, if you were precious about it with your first...they might just think that you wouldn't be happy with it, though...is that possible...they might not ask, because they think that you would feel your little one is to young?

To be honest....I have not really been in a position where grandparents offer to have my Kids....certainly not when they little...my oldest ds has spend twice with his grandparents all by himself...oh and he stayed once with my mum on his own, when we visited her, and I went away with a few girlfriends for the weekend...

Snowstorm · 26/05/2008 19:19

My DD's are 17 months apart in age and to-date they go to their grandparents as a package as that makes me feel more comfortable; it's logistically easier; it doesn't leave a sad child at home; that's just the way it is. They are now 4 and 5 years old. They didn't go on their own until DD2 was old enough to be 'easy' to look after - I'm guessing that was around a year old but I can't quite remember now! They go and stay with my P-I-L together, without us (would be horrified if we were to come and to butt in on their time with these grandparents actually) but when they go to my parents I go with them (leaving DH behind) as my parents feel they are not up to having them both without me. It all works out really well for now - we'll see how it goes for the future.

Your youngest is only 1 and will not remember that her sister went to her grandparents without her when she's older and I assume it wouldn't be an issue now. Therefore I'd say it comes down to a) whether your DD1 is happy to go alone; and, b) your gut feeling on the situation.

onepieceoflollipop · 26/05/2008 19:24

Also I meant to add that my dd1 (much as she adores her baby sister) feels really "grown up" and special that she goes to stay with my parents and the baby doesn't. She does know that in a year or two they will both go, but for the moment she is so happy to have that special time with them.

Flamesparro · 26/05/2008 19:28

Your parents can do whatever the hell they like.

They have had and raised their children. They now have their own lives.

If they want to have one or other or both then it is up to them.

Flamesparro · 26/05/2008 19:30

Oh thought I should add my situation.

My mum has had DD overnight from a couple of months old (was bottle fed at that stage, slept through etc). She finds both children exhausting and has only had them both a few times. DD is very much Gran's girl (from her pov, not my mum's... in the same way DS is mummy's boy, given the option of mum, dad or Gran, DD chooses Gran ), so the concept of mum having DS and not DD would be very distressing to her so we tend not to do it.

DS is Hard Work though so I wouldn't wish him on her/anyone overnight if I can help it

BreeVanDerCampLGJ · 26/05/2008 19:32

For saying, what she was thinking.

TotalChaos · 26/05/2008 19:33

sorry but agree with flame and bree here.

Flamesparro · 26/05/2008 19:34

Flamesparro · 26/05/2008 19:35

If Psycho is reading this, I will name her as Person Who Survived A Night With Both Flamebabies

Flip

1 2