DH says I’m not fun anymore

[Newmum288]

We have a 22 month old girl. DH has told me that he thinks I’m not fun anymore and he’s less happy in our marriage than he was a few years ago. I said it’s hard to be as fun/carefree when you have a toddler and he said it’s not just around her but even when we have time on our own.
I can tell he resents me. He doesn’t show me love like he used to. Half the time it doesn’t even seem like he likes me, never has any sympathy or empathy for me when I’m going through something. I swear he didn’t used to be like this. And now he tells me I’m not fun!
AIBU?
Yes - not a big deal, it’s normal to feel this way about each other at this stage, don’t be so upset
No - that’s a hurtful thing to say and you’ve got problems

So ask him what his suggestions are.

What do you think is the issue? Is it that you are the default parent and he does not pull his weight? Or does what he says have merit?

Id suggest 2 things. You go away on your own for a few days to recharge. Don’t prep anything at home for him. He’s a grown man and should be able to handle it. Then get some couples counselling.

Resentment is absolutely a marriage killer. But if he resents you for not being fun while expecting you to carry more weight than him, then that’s not fair

I bet you’re doing all the domestic labour and he is waiting to be entertained.

It is a hurtful thing to hear but, as hard as it is to hear, do you spend time when it is just you and him miserable? Have you almost forgotten how to have fun without your child? Do you complain and moan?

Or does he mean you have no interest in wild days out drinking or going far afield etc?

If its the first, then maybe you need to sit down and have an honest conversation together about how you both feel

If its the latter, then hes an idiot and needs to understand what life with a small child is like for the majority of people...its pretty exhausting and not unusual to loose some spontaneousy and maybe not want to do certain activities

And even when you're alone together, I bet half your mind is on your child. Men seem to be able to forget that they are fathers when it suits them, but mothers always have their children in the back of their mind.

It’s probably both of you
kids as much as they are your world they can suck the joy out of life

you go from fun and carefree to mundane routine

So, what does this toddler man view as you being 'fun'? Blow jobs? Going out, getting shitfaced and giving him a blowjob on the way home? Abseiling naked down a rockface with only a bottle of champagne in place of an emergency kit?

This sketch is apt I think

It's a mean and hurtful thing to say. A kind man would say something more like 'it's hard to make time for fun stuff these days isn't it? What could we do just for us?'

Another selfish dh. How helpful is he? Does he mean less sex or just everything. Is he starting to check out. Not a very kind thing to say how much fun is he? Sometimes you lose your way being a mum it takes a lot of effort and men feel that they have been sidelined.

What does he constitute as fun? Are things regarding chores and childcare etc shared equally? What does he feel he should do to inject some “fun” back into your relationship? Doesn’t mean you have to agree with him btw, just interested what his ideas are.

And that's why I decided as a teenager NOT to have kids. I get absolutely slayed here for saying that, however, I contribute my 20 years of happy marriage exactly to that.

I'd be worried that this is the start of The Script.

Need more context. Is he hands on with childcare and housework? Or are you completely exhausted from handling all of that? If the answer is you’re shouldering all of this and then he expects you to be waiting on him, giving him sex every night, and a ball of energy each evening/weekend, then he’s being massively unreasonable and selfish.
If he shares the load, tries hard to make you feel special, suggests date nights, but you refuse to leave your DC with a babysitter and have time the two of you, then I could see his point.
Lots that could impact the answers here.

Do you have babysitters and still get out for date nights? Do you still have a regular sex life?

I feel my partner and I only got stronger when DS came along, but he has always been very helpful with everything, we get time the two of us whenever we can, and have a regular sex life. I think we hadn’t been together for that long when we had DS so we’ve made all of that a priority (as well as of course DS being the biggest priority!).

Sounds like he no longer loves you and is trying to find reasons to justify it.

I mean, being parents to an almost 2 year old is not “fun”. It’s really not. Most people don’t have a baby expecting their marriage to get happier and more fun. It’s hard work and testing.

As they get older, it gets easier and you get time and energy for each other again, but definitely not by 2. No one can be fun when life is work, dinner, bath, bedtime, collapse. Dh and I used to set aside Friday and Saturday evenings to stay up an hour later to actually see each other, but that came at a real price of giving up much needed sleep and sometimes it was just too much.

I do think it’s worth pursuing what you need to do to stay connected with each other. It’s not about fun, it’s about connection. We never get to have a meal alone together. Heck, we are running around being taxis so much now that several days a week we don’t even see each other at dinner. So a few times a year, we plan a lunch date out while dc are in school. It means we can actually sit and talk and think about the future and talk properly.

But you go through periods of life when things just aren’t fun. I have cancer at the moment. Sex is completely off the table. Not physically possible and hasn’t been for some time. No late nights because I’m in bed before dc are. In a long relationship, you have to weather these storms when all you can do is just kinda hang on. It’s not fun. You are just getting through. But it won’t always be like this and it can be fun again if you stay connected through the tough bits.

Thanks for all the replies, I appreciate them. DH does do his fair share, but I only work PT so have our daughter at home with me 2 days a week (and work the other 3) which tbh I do find quite challenging and hard work. He works FT and naturally this means I pick up more of the childcare, mental load, housework.
We do have time to ourselves at least once a month, sometimes more than that eg date night or a wedding to go to or lunch out. We have takeaway nights together. We just can’t spontaneously go to gigs/weekends away/meet friends like we used to (obviously) and I think he’s struggled to adapt to that.
I’m trying to be objective and I’m really not miserable (I don’t think). I think he just misses the ‘me’ I was before I became a mum and I do feel that’s unfair

Yes.

Cherchez la femme, @Newmum288

He works FT and naturally this means I pick up more of the childcare, mental load, housework.

No, he should do half of everything.
Who gets up at night with your child?
Who does bedtime?

You're working really hard, too, looking after a toddler. He gets plenty of time off from that relentlessness while he's at work.

I bet you enjoy your days at work, away from the toddler for a few hours. It's restful.

I don't think it's unusual to not find your partner as fun when raising a young child. Not having any empathy for a partner isn't normal though or feeling like your partner resents you.

I had this with my husband and it turned out he had met someone at work who he found much more fun, who didn't have kids, and who flattered his ego. He didn't end up having an affair but his head was definitely turned and it did result in him saying similar things that your husband has said to you whilst he experienced the crush.

Someone at work is telling him he deserves someone better than you.

How did this all end up playing out? Could be useful to OP if there is an affair in the making. I can’t imagine that many men tell their partner that they are not fun unless there is another woman in the wings.

Tbh exact same here. The resentment, the 'no fun anymore' comments, the lack of empathy. Ds was just coming up on a year when I found out there was another woman. I snooped on his phone looking to reassure myself because I knew something was off with him but I thought I was just being paranoid.

I think, anyone sensible knows that when you have kids life takes on a different intensity than before, and even if you didn't expect it, it's generally quite easy to figure out that's what's happening. It sounds op like you're stuck with a lot of the dredgery with the workload balance. Obviously, noone is saying that your child is a chore - but it can be both wonderful and highly draining looking after a toddler . And the bulk of your work is keeping your household running which isn't sociable and is very repetitive. Being in work is by nature sociable, mentally stimulating, and can be more varied. So I know I quickly started to feel a bit more 'boring' when I was in the house most days and doing all the household stuff compared to how I felt when I was out at work. Because when you're at home you're in mum mode, when you're at work you're still yourself if that makes sense. The split in that respect is uneven.

Do you have hobbies? How often do you get to go and see your friends and be YOU outside of mum/wife and do the things you find fun?

I think he needs to man up here. The early years are tough and you need to be in the trenches together. I think you need to have a further conversation to establish exactly which of his needs he feels isn't being fulfilled right now and what in capacity. I think he also needs to explain what he thinks would address the issue in a way that will work for both of you. And I'd encourage you to use the opportunity to think about how well your needs are being met by him right now. Because it sounds like he's falling short in quite a few ways.

Coming to you and saying you're not as fun is actuallt very unfair. Coming to you and saying x I'm worried about your wellbeing/stress levels or saying x I think we need to have more time together and as individuals so let's plan babysitting and how we can use it or just doing something romantic and investing in his wife would all be supportive, empathetic ways to deal with the same issue. What he's done, is make it your issue to sort out without taking any responsibility as the other half of the team@.

How are things today @Newmum288

Did he want children ?

Sorry; but another man running away from his responsibilities

He has had his head turned by someone else

He is looking to leave