…to ignore her message asking for feedback

[SoniaSwanners]

For around two years, I worked with someone whose behaviour was very sub-optimal on many levels. She was evasive, confusing, discouraging, downright dishonest on several occasions. She also made a series of suggestions in relation to the projects we were jointly involved in that were, to put it mildly, completely stupid and would have ruined everything we were working on if she’d been allowed to have her way. (Might this all be just my subjective opinion? Perhaps, but I don’t think so, and in any case that’s not the point of this question!)

I was then approached by somebody higher up who asked me if everything was going okay because they were worried about what they’ve seen this colleague doing. I told them my concerns, and that person instantly removed my colleague from our project, and said she would work on it with me directly herself instead. Since then, everything has been absolutely fine and gone really well.

Then yesterday, I received a message from the original colleague, saying that she was very sorry to hear that I felt it hadn’t worked out when the two of us had worked together and that she’d be very open to receiving feedback so that she could take it on board. In other words, she’s asking me: ‘What did I do wrong?’

I don’t want to be dishonest, and I’m actually quite willing to send her an email explaining why I felt I could no longer work with her. However I don’t see much point in doing it in a tactful ‘Oh, there were just a few communication issues!’ kind of way. It might be useful for her to have my true feedback (she might then at least learn that she can’t lie and be so terrible at her job and expect to get away with it) but the problem is that my true feedback would be an itemised list of around 20 things - and would, I’m guessing, be pretty devastating for her to read.

Am I being unreasonable (or just unnecessarily mean/cruel) if I write back and tell her honestly all the reasons why I no longer wanted to work with her?

NB - some of you might be thinking that the higher up person should be the one to give the feedback. Perhaps that’s the case, but she hasn’t and won’t. So please treat my question as applying to a situation where, basically, it’s going to be my feedback, or no feedback. Thank you!

I wouldn't. She might try to use it against you. Accuse you of bullying or something. People try all sorts on.

Id talk to my manager or hr and say she's come to me with this request and ask their advice.

Does she still work for your organisation or has she been sacked?

I'd direct her to her line manager or the manager that took her off the project for feedback. I think giving negative feedback, especially if there's a lot of it, outside of a proper framework for doing it, has the potential to create issues however honestly given or well intended.

Yes bat this one back to your manager. If they’ve chosen to remove them from the project it should be up them to explain why.

A list of what you consider “stupid” probably not.

Factual examples with reasons why her suggestions would impact the project and can actually help her in her next role possibly.

For me it comes down to, do you want help her and improve or do you just want to send her an email critiquing everything to make her feel bad?

Pick the three most important things and only feedback on them if you can frame them in a constructive way. It isn’t your job to performance manage her though, so if you’d rather not say anything then that’s perfectly understandable.

It wasn’t your decision to remove. Mention to the manager she has asked for feedback. Manager can decide to do it or not.

Ask her how she felt the collab went?

No
not your job / responsibility to give her feedback -

deffo pass up the line to manager - if they won’t give feedback, that’s between her and them - stay out of it, too risky for come back on you

Definitely this

I agree with this. You could ask the line manager if they are in agreement with you giving the feedback and send the feedback via management (so they're able to check it's OK, edit it etc).

Don't leave yourself open to any accusations.

I wouldn't bother. Tell her line manager and her line manager can give her feedback. It's not your job to manage someone.

Also this could be easily turned on it's head and she could claim bullying by being kicked off a project and given a list of 20 negative things about herself I causing being a liar when asking for feedback.

I'd stay well away and be polite/nice when you see her. If you must respond I would say 'communication issues' and leave it at that.

Yes I agree with the PPs - this is too risky for you.

You say her manager won’t give feedback? Not your problem. Just tell her you feel it’s more appropriate for her line manager to give her feedback. You need to keep things very much within the company feedback structure.

I wouldn't tell her anything. Not your job, and risky - could cause issues.

She’s taking a working relationship to a personal level. Just tell her that it’s not your place to pass judgment.

Don't risk it. If she wants feedback then it should come through normal performance management channels. Send the request upwards and let her know you have done that. At least you are forewarned if she comes in person to chat.

"You need to see you line manager about feedback, not me. Please don't ask me again."

2 years? I wouldn’t it seems odd she might be planning to sue company and you’d be giving evidence

Given the manner in which you wrote this post, your feedback is clearly unable to be objective, even if she also happens to be bad at her job. Inform her manager, give performance information within your company's usual structures if requested only of issues you can directly prove, and agree with her manager how to decline politely. I would go with something like "I don't wish to give performance input outside the company's usual process and suggest you follow up with your line manager X for feedback."

Definitely watch your back and don't put anything in writing that could cause you a problem.

It sounds like a bit of a stitch up from the manager already? If the manager asked for your feedback because they had their own observational concerns, and took the decision / responsibility for removing her, but she has been given the impression you were the cause?

I would reply with something among the lines that decision to change personnel involved in the project was mgr so she should ask them for feedback.

it’s way too risky with no real benefit to you to give feedback. Definitely refer it to the manager. This kind of belated request would made me instantly question why and think she’s on an evidence gathering exercise to use against either you or the company.

Im going to agree with a couple of posts above.
Pick the top 3 or 4 most important things, and keep what she did wrong short and sweet, then after each you can say 'in future, you could do xx or yy instead'
Anything you pick, you need to be able to back up with factual evidence. Follow it through to the worst case scenario - i think you would be covered here as she has approached you for feedback, but if she did try and cause trouble with HR make sure you can back it up with evidence and that if questioned, her line manager would be able to confirm that you raised these issues with them and thats why they got taken off the project. I would also sense check whatever you write with your own line manager first.

Oh she knows what she’s doing.

Don’t touch this with a barge pole. Direct her to her line manager for that type of thing.

Absolutely no way would I send that email. It'll be used against you for a bullying grievance or similar.

I'd be inclined to suggest they ask the boss for a debrief of the issues if they want to go through a self reflection process.

Do not put anything in writing, do not engage with this. It can and probably will come back to bite you. What will she do if she doesn’t like what you say? What if your/her manager doesn’t agree with what you say?

this is a can of worms, pass her back to management and protect yourself