…to ignore her message asking for feedback

[SoniaSwanners]

For around two years, I worked with someone whose behaviour was very sub-optimal on many levels. She was evasive, confusing, discouraging, downright dishonest on several occasions. She also made a series of suggestions in relation to the projects we were jointly involved in that were, to put it mildly, completely stupid and would have ruined everything we were working on if she’d been allowed to have her way. (Might this all be just my subjective opinion? Perhaps, but I don’t think so, and in any case that’s not the point of this question!)

I was then approached by somebody higher up who asked me if everything was going okay because they were worried about what they’ve seen this colleague doing. I told them my concerns, and that person instantly removed my colleague from our project, and said she would work on it with me directly herself instead. Since then, everything has been absolutely fine and gone really well.

Then yesterday, I received a message from the original colleague, saying that she was very sorry to hear that I felt it hadn’t worked out when the two of us had worked together and that she’d be very open to receiving feedback so that she could take it on board. In other words, she’s asking me: ‘What did I do wrong?’

I don’t want to be dishonest, and I’m actually quite willing to send her an email explaining why I felt I could no longer work with her. However I don’t see much point in doing it in a tactful ‘Oh, there were just a few communication issues!’ kind of way. It might be useful for her to have my true feedback (she might then at least learn that she can’t lie and be so terrible at her job and expect to get away with it) but the problem is that my true feedback would be an itemised list of around 20 things - and would, I’m guessing, be pretty devastating for her to read.

Am I being unreasonable (or just unnecessarily mean/cruel) if I write back and tell her honestly all the reasons why I no longer wanted to work with her?

NB - some of you might be thinking that the higher up person should be the one to give the feedback. Perhaps that’s the case, but she hasn’t and won’t. So please treat my question as applying to a situation where, basically, it’s going to be my feedback, or no feedback. Thank you!

It's part of my job to give feedback to people who submit things to me for approval, but I don't line manage these people. I find it is key to focus on the most important 2 or 3, a long list wouldn't be helpful. I try to frame them constructively and factually with specific examples.

You could run your response through AI giving it prompts to ensure any emotion is taken out and to frame it in a friendly constructive manner. Typically the response I get entirely depends on the individual, some are genuinely open to growing and improving, others I get a very emotional response and it turns into a bit of a shit show, which I am learning to not take personally. It's a bit of a minefield, but if she is genuinely looking to improve it could be really helpful.

Good advice. While people are entitled to ask for 365 degree feedback, you are not obliged to provide it, this could blow up in your face as others have suggested.

Reply along the lines that, in line with company policy, it should be her LM that provides review feedback. If you chose to, you could write to her lm to outline, in a professional manner, some key points (not a whole screed) should they choose to use it.

If you don't , leave it at that.

Nothing for you to gain by agreeing to her request. She , however, gains a written list of issues that she should have been made aware of at the time through the company procedures. I think she's gathering evidence.

ETA looks like there's a few of us in agreement on this! And yes, I smell a rat, the colleague could be trying to stir the pot and wants things in writing to cause trouble.

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I'd get HR involved in an informal way.

Let them know there were performance issues which have now been resolved by your manager, but the person has come back to you directly asking for feedback.

Ask for their advice on what they think is the best way forward that's the least disruptive to the business. Also mention you feel they are putting you in an awkward position, you aren't their manager so you don't really have any obligation to get embroiled in giving feedback and risking stirring things up again.

if the colleague is as awkward as you describe, they probably someone to give a wide berth to!

I’d speak to your manager first. If she agrees you can, then I’d send her an email but only highlight the key things, don’t make it a massive list. Be professional and constructive. Dont write it in a bitchy way. It’s good she wants feedback and hopefully she’ll take it on board. Some people are blind as to what others think of them

Agree with others forward to your manager she could be plotting anything don't give her ammunition especially as what you listed here was mainly personal traits that suggest you don't like her. I don't know anyone who would receive you are a liar, evasive, difficult and your ideas are stupid as constructive in any way

It looks like the manager spoke to you after having her/his own concerns ,removed the pers9n from the project but then has thrown you under the bus when explaining why she's being taken off ..

I would reply to her, no point being rude and ignoring her and say I feel this is something you need to speak to with whatever the manager's called and copy the manager in. Just feeding back to her however politely or professionally is a not your role and B} opens you up to all kinds of Issues particularly when you put the feedback in writing.
the manager needs to manage and if they choose not to then that's up to them but leaves you completely out of it.

I think I would 100% ignore. Just pretend I never received it. I have done that when asked for feedback by people who I cannot say anything positive about. Not my circus, not my monkeys. She could absolutely use it to say you had bullied her. It just would not be worth the risk for me to give this feedback. I would only do it if I was the line manager and it was my job to do it or I had a good personal relationship with the person and felt I could trust them and that they were genuinely seeking honest feedback.

You can be gentle without lying, don't brutally list 20 things she did wrong i honestly do think thats unkind even though she asked. Look up some feedback models and start with saying something (anything, even if it's as simple as she was punctual to meetings) that you valued. Potentially do this as a phone call and ensure you've got examples.
Ensure everything is objective and maybe find examples of how it could be done better, rather than saying it was bad. As an example "i would have valued a more straight forward and direct communication style so i could clearly and quickly understand your perspective and the actions you'd taken" is nicer than "you waffled on for ages and in some areas flat out lied when you didnt do something" Be aware that if what you send is too harsh she may well view it as deliberately being mean, which puts you in a tricky situation. I'd definitely do max 3 areas to improve.
I'd definitely not ignore her, she clearly needs the help but don't be brutal, there's a mid way between brutal and overly positive/dishonest!

Some excellent advice here, definitely refer to your manager.

Nope. Hell nope. Hell nope with knobs and bells on

Do not communicate further with her directly, as you'd be giving her fuel for any bullying claim

Send the request for feedback to her current line manager

Leave well alone and leave her to it

First, it depends if you want to invest time in helping this colleague improve their performance? If you don’t, you’re never likely to work with her agian, she’ll have no impact on your career, you’ll never end up managing her yourself, then fair dos if you don’t want it help. Just say you’d prefer she takes up any concners or queries she has with her management. If her manager asks formally for your input then you’ll discuss direct with them. And leave it at that

if you do see a point to investing time. Then first I’d write down those 20 odd (or however many you said) points in the form of STARs. So, if not used that before you do the following:

1. briefly describe the situation you were in
2. state clewrly what her tasks were . Try to avoid we. Use spepcifc about what she was supposed to be doing.
3. describe acurwtley, ideally with supporting data, what action she took
4. then finally, spend most time on what the result was - how did that impact business/organisation rather than just you or project. Agian supporting data and evidence is best to have here

if you can’t do that for all of your points, then I’d suggest some of this is just personality clash, which is best not written down.

crucially, also try to come up with some POSTIVE stars for balance- what she did do well and can focus on as strengths

Another format worth noting when giving feedback is under heading
”stop” -+what do you think the perosn should stop doing
”start” what do you think they should start doing
”continue” what’s working and they should maintain.

but that should be short brief summary after data given in STARS.

writing all your points down like this will eliminate the perosnal criticism or personality clashes, and focus on date, facts, evidence of how it directly impacts the business. All feedback should be in this form

once your happy its balance, ideslly with a few positives, THEN , and only then , respond to her..say to her that you appreciate her reaching out to help her continuous development. You are happy to provide feedback, but feel it is more appropriate that you provide direct to her supervisors. Would she like to discuss this with supervisor so that you can work with them to get that feedback back to her. When boss contacts you, meet , face to face, not email…go through STARs and provide a copy that you’ve documented and noted in email that you’ve given at bosses request. Talk them through it, don’t get dragged into tangents where perosnal stuff comes out. Stick to facts. Then leave city o boss to talk to their employee

don’t give feedback direct to perosn. Don’t wing it . STARs are critical for people to actually use for development as opposed to just criticism you can’t do anything with and lay you open to accusations of bullying.