To think some women make it hard for men to see their children out of spite?!

[Beyondnow]

I will say straight away I have a child, I am separated from their dad and as long as he see’s our child, child is happy and he pays child support I couldn’t give a monkeys what he does in his spare time, who he is with etc.

In contrast my DP’s ex CONSTANTLY, has an issue. Constantly has a negative comment to make about me, DP, our life, car, home, dog, whatever it is. It’s been awful for 4 years now. DP has always paid child support, see’s his DC when he is meant to, they have everything they need with us. She has manipulated them (one is only 7 bless her) in to saying horrible comments to me and my DC.2 years ago they went to court (after mediation failed because she just kept frustrating the process) and today she has announced DC are traumatised by seeing us ‘too much’ so she will be taking DP back to court for less contact. Ridiculous.

I cannot understand why some women cannot let go of the father of their children? What gives them the right to constantly interfere?

Please give me some insight and tips to make this stop!

We genuinely thought the court order of contact 2 nights one week, 3 the other (down from the original 50/50) would put a stop to this but it hasn’t and we don’t have the energy to keep arguing with her so have chopped and changed a lot of the past few years.

I cannot understand why some women cannot let go of the father of their children

This is a very interesting comment. Makes me wonder about what actually went on.

What do you mean? I wasn’t OW or anything like that?

Some people are just arseholes.

^^ this

I have professional experience around such issues and it’s not a woman thing. Both men and women can be just as bad as each other when it comes to weaponising children against an ex partner, preventing contact, withholding children after a visit, coaching children to say negative things about the other parent. It’s horrible but men are definitely just as capable of doing as women.

Yeah, they do. Well, I'm not sure it's always spite. In our case it's pure selfishness and being unable to accept a child has two parents. It's been 8 years since she was born (they weren't together, she got pregnant after 3 months and then dumped him). It only improved after 5 years of family court when she had nowhere else to turn. Even now it isn't amazing, but it's much better as she had to accept Dad wasn't going anywhere no matter what she tried.

We had it massively with my husband’s first wife. And for the person wondering “what actually went on”, she had an affair and left him for someone richer and flasher than my husband. She basically wanted to erase my husband from his child’s life and play happy families with her new husband. I wasn’t on the scene for the first two years. Thankfully things calmed down a bit after her new flash husband dumped her and she had someone else to focus on! As my stepson has got older she’s not been able to make everything go her way and life has got easier. In fact she’s positively friendly nowadays!

Why @tilypu ?

Yes - this does happen.

It was the case with DH and his siblings. His mother completely alienated them and he didn't realise at all until he was an adult. She had an affair, moved them into her new man's house... but, somehow, it was all the dad's fault. He fought for them in court for years but saw them a few times a year. She kept moving house to different parts of the country - she had no job and he was still supporting them so couldn't follow. She canceled visits at the last minute. DH genuinely believed that it was all his dad's fault and mil was an innocent victim for 20 years.

On the other hand, I see an awful lot of complete deadbeats who play the same card. One acquaintance in particular (the on-off boyfriend of one of DS's friend's mothers) has this plastered all over his social media. The truth is, I want him nowhere near my child either. He's an aggressive, horrible man. He's moved hundreds of miles away from his children to be with his girlfriend (who he'd known for just a few weeks when he moved) and doesn't think he should travel to them or pay for fuel. He spends his weekends committing a certain (outing) crime that he seems to think is a sport.

So, it happens sometimes and people pretend it happens sometimes.

Thank you for your comment. How do we solve this? DP has tried everything, emails, texts, calls, recorded app’s, mediation, court, family doing the liaising/ drop offs, school are aware there are issues etc as the children are confused at times. But nothing works, she remains the same. Hell bent on making DP’s relationship with his children as hard as possible!

Totally can get it’s both sides at times and I would not be on here supporting a deadbeat. But DP really isn’t, he has genuinely tried and each time we think, ok this has to be the thing that settles her now. But nope she is back with something else

Really hoping things work out. Just really feel for his youngest as she literally spouts adult words and phrases from her mouth, most recent ‘mummy doesn’t like you Beyond because you don’t look after me properly’ she is 7!!!!!

My ExH's ex is a bitch of the very highest order - she has formally diagnosed NPD. I had to have therapy after she tried her best to destroy my life.

Their son is now serving prison time for drug dealing. He was so damaged by her, plus add a weakling of a father into the mix, he had no chance.

It's so sad.

You have my sympathy and solidarity honestly. Iv tried being supportive for all this time but it’s really boring now, plus costly! We don’t want to pay another solicitor for another round of family court!! For absolutely no reason!

I think the problem sounds like you've pandered to her as if she has a say and as if she's the boss. She's not.

Equal parents, equal rights, equal responsibilities. Stop treating her like she has more of a say that you do.

Your DH needs to go for 50/50, pay no maintenance, pay for half of the DC's costs, turn up to every event, plan every birthday party, book every holiday, respond to school emails, sign permission slips, book doctors/dentists/opticians appointments...

When thinking about negotiating or appeasing or discussing something with her, think "would she discuss this with me?". If the answer is no, don't do it. If she wouldn't have gone to less than 50/50 then why have you?

This isn't a criticism. It sounds like you've behaved very reasonably - but she's not a reasonable person so behaving reasonably is stupid in the circumstances.

I wonder if your ex and his partner have a different story?
If theres no communication between you maybe mediate it.
It would be useful to understand the other womens perspective. What is your ex saying about you?

When we met he had 50/50, she then started about how the youngest was too young for this, so they changed it temporarily, then there was another issue with a club one of the others wanted to do on a certain night so it had to change, then more lies and rubbish, then court, they agreed in court to less than 50/50 but not she wants him to have even less time, not sure why, kids just say ‘mum thinks it’s best if we don’t stay as much with you’ really sad for them hugely

Well if she’s taking it back to family court that probably isn’t a bad thing is she is being as unreasonable as you say. Get a good solicitor and provide them with all the information emails/texts etc.

In the mean time, just try and keep things normal for the children, don’t badmouth their mum as tempting as that may be. Be as reasonable as possible and do everything you can to make the children feel loved and secure and keep the adult disputes away from their ears.

Nah my ex is very content with his end of the deal he gets off quite lightly but it works for me and my child so I’m happy.

His ex kicked him out because she was sleeping with someone he worked with and this guy found out she was in a relationship!! So wanted to come round and fight DP (so classy) so she confessed to cheating and threw his clothes out in the grass (his family have also never forgiven her for all of this) especially because the house they lived in was owned by DP’s parents (odd set up but whatever) and because she has the children they would never throw her out.

She has said all manner of things. Quite honestly. Told DP I’m cheating on him, that I’m lying about my job 🙄, that I have mental illness I’m keeping from him, that I don’t actually own my house it’s a lie to keep him there, honestly the list goes on

And I did not know this person before DP.

Just for the record I work within the family courts and with my current cases I would say it’s fathers that are making the mothers lives difficult… but generally I find it’s a mixed bag. For you though I can only imagine that it feels rubbish and one sided as you are living it. He could apply for an enforcement and complete the forms himself and submit?

I think there is some truth to this, my ex isn’t involved (his own choice) and I’ve lost count how many people have told me how lucky I am and how jealous they are and they wish their ex wasn’t involved which I find quite sad! (No reasons like abuse etc when they said the reasons it was so they don’t have to share the kids and get them all to themselves etc)

‘mum thinks it’s best if we don’t stay as much with you’

"Oh really? Well dad thinks it's best if you stay more! Let's go back to 50/50"

Dad can have as many thoughts as mum...