To ask you to please tell me if dh acted hurtfully?

[Gawwwd]

Was in conversation with dh this evening and I noticed him picking my knickers off the ground, where admittedly I’d left them, and carrying them to the laundry basket as if they were the carcass of a dead rat. Like, holding them out before him disgustedly. I then heard him go to the bathroom and wash his hands!
Now, these were worn knickers but they were not soiled, and dh is not a hygiene freak (I sometimes wish). I actually felt quite hurt by his disgusted approach to my underwear, and I do feel it was perhaps a passive aggressive performance since I’d left them on the ground. Was his behaviour normal, am I wrong to feel hurt? I feel very confused by this event, all opinions welcome!

He's making a point. It's a really slobby thing to do.

I would be so annoyed if my husband left worn underwear laying on the floor, why would you not put them in the laundry basket yourself when you took them off.
maybe he was a bit OTT but he was obviously trying to make a point and a I feel a valid one.

I'd wash my hands if I'd picked up DP's undies.

As for "did he act hurtfully". Were you hurt? If so, yes. If not, no. Hurtful is subjective.

I think he was very passive aggressive and that's never helpful.

On the ground? Do you mean outside?
Or were they inside, on the floor?
Were they in your bedroom/bathroom, hastily discarded when you were changing?
If they were in a more public area of the house, I’d be mildly irritated.
He sounds a bit performative, but I wouldn’t let his pantomime hurt me.
Fuck him!

Well it does sound as though he was disgusted at you leaving dirty underwear on the floor and was making a point to you.

Is leaving dirty clothes on the floor something you are in the habit of doing?

I'm afraid I have a certain amount of sympathy with your H.

He was being a dick. I picked up thousands of pairs of my ex-h's underwear over the years, it was bloody irritating but I never acted as though they were somehow radioactive.

Why on earth were they just left on the floor? Why couldn't you put them in the wash basket? I suspect he was making a not so subtle point that it's very lazy behaviour to just discard your dirty laundry on the floor.

I’d wait til he next wants some intimacy with you and then act surprised, that surely he’s too disgusted by your nether regions to want to be anywhere near them! 🤣 Washing his hands afterwards is a bit dramatic and he was obviously making a point - have you commented in the past about him leaving dirty undies in the floor OP?

That’s probably part of why I’m taking this to heart - the intimacy has died a death and I feel we’re now at a place that my knickers are repulsive to him, whereas 20 years ago he'd have eaten chips out of them.

It was the bedroom floor. Yep you’re right, I should just be saying fuck the pantomime 😂

Did he know you were watching? If so I’m assume he was hamming it up to make a point about being sick of picking up your pants.

If he didn’t, then it’s quite weird behaviour IMO. Does he have any other hygiene obsessions?

I think he was making a point that it's pretty unpleasant to leave your used underwear on the floor!

Do most people not sometimes just forget to pick them up now and again, like not on the daily but from time to time? My husband does! And I’ll have a biohazard suit ready for the next time he does:

He was being an arsehole and I would have been annoyed too.

How many times have you picked up his laundry / shoes / etc etc over the years?

It’s basically what’s normal for you. For DP and me leaving used underwear around is just not ok. If they left their underwear about the house like it’s a decoration I’d be a bit annoyed too. But that kind of think can contribute to the whole intimacy thing as well. No one wants to be intimate with a slob?

I’d tell him exactly this.

Is there a good reason for the lack of intimacy?

This is part of a bigger picture really isn’t it. I would not be best pleased with used undies on the floor and DH and mines marriage is in a good place.

The only time my DH would ever pick up my pants if he was the one who took them off.

I don't think leaving your dirty knickers lying round is acceptable at all.

He was being a passive aggressive twat. Try to not let it get to you. If he does it again, or something similar, just laugh out loud. Don't give him the satisfaction of upsetting you.

When he does it, does he leave his undies on the bedroom floor too? If so, hide a pair of tongs in your underwear drawer ready and make a similar performance of picking his pants up with the tongs whilst holding your nose. What's good for the goose and all that.....

Seriously though, if your marriage now lacks intimacy and he's behaving like this to you, then it sounds like it's on its last legs. Do you think there's any way of reigniting things?

Not normal in this house. Neither me or DH do this. DS is 15 and I've never seen any of his left on the floor either. Its just slobby and disgusting.

Why wouldn't he just say "you've left your knickers on the floor, are they for the wash"? It's all very dramatic to make a show of picking them up and washing his hands etc. I couldn't be bothered with that.

I wouldn't be upset by it. It's the sort of thing I do if I find my partner's discarded pants or a sock, just to make a point. He's done the same to me on the rare occasion i've left something lying around.

Put a peg on your nose and use tongs to pick up any of his garments off the floor

Well I don’t think it was necessary to hold them at arm’s length but I would wash my hands after handling worn pants, including my own - they’ve been on your bum!