Annoying MIL

[Mummypie21]

My MIL isn't a horrible person but she says random annoying things - usually about appearances. I usually don't respond and just smile and nod absent-mindedly but sometimes after a difficult week (and she insists on seeing us several times a week), I have had enough. These are the following things that she's said:

1. She adores my older ds more and this is obvious. She says that people in our church community have assumed that she is his mother (bearing in mind she is 76 and he is 7!).
2. She said my older ds will be tall and slim like his dad (her son). DH isn't tall (he is 5'8). My younger DS will probably end up short like me (I'm 5'1).
3. Apparently my older ds looks exactly like her so is stunning. My younger DS is 'nice-looking' but not gorgeous because he looks like me.
4. She says she is stunning but ended up with my FIL (who in her words is nice-looking but not beautiful) because he's a nice guy.

She supposedly likes me a lot though. She has my photo on her FB profile. She tells all her friends that I'm the daughter she never had. She will phone me over her own son. She isn't uncomplimentary of me -apparently I have a great personality. However, she constantly goes on about how gorgeous she is when in fact she's a perfectly average-looking older woman (who looks younger than 76 though). Do I just continue to smile and indulge her?

I bet the people at her church are as fed up of her shit as you are 😂

I'd highly doubt it's more damaging to a child to hear he looks less like a 76 year old woman than his brother (you think he wants to look like his granny??), than it would be to watch his mother 'kick out' the grandmother he presumably loves. There's very little more damaging to children than watching their adults fight. You remove loved adults from your children only in extreme circumstances.

Totally, this isn’t ok!! You need to do another round of assertive. ‘We’ve put a lot of work into teaching the boys that looks are not what counts and not to comment on people’s looks. Please don’t undermine that.’

for a start- you will need to reduce contact if she doesn’t get it.

The male to female height difference is about 5.5 inches, so your male equivalent height isn’t much different from your husband’s actual height. Your boys are unlikely to be tall. Probably around 5’7, which is a perfectly good height. What a weird thing to obsess over.

You're right about that. We don't focus on things that are outside our control - looks, height etc. l can't help being short (I used to do a lot of sports but that didn't help!). We do talk about attitude, kindness and effort.

I looked at your other posts because I thought that there were some cultural aspects at play. Have you watched American Dad, when fancine's Chinese parents come to visit? It might make your MILs comments into a more humorous frame. If your husband won't have a word, then you need to try to shut it down in front of your boys, when it's about them. The rest your might have to let go. I'd say there's a level of this when there's been a change of society that's quite different from the one settled in.

Because there is no reason for EVERYONE not to be held accountable for their behaviour. It's what makes for a meaningful society. Unpleasant behaviour shouldn't be tolerated simply because someone is old, or a MIL.

You are right. My parents-in-law are Chinese. Both me and my DH are UK-born and bred.

So there is a bit of a cultural element to her interactions. But to be fair, most of her friends from the same background aren't that looks-focused.

I think anyone obsessed with looks is strange but there’s something extra weird about someone in their 70s being like that. It sounds like she has nothing else about herself. I wouldn’t like her saying this stuff to my kids, why isn’t your husband saying anything?

MILs are irritating by definition - I am one. I don't think I am quite as bonkers as yours!

Limit contact - but if you need her help with child care............

Have you tried picking her up on these comments?

He's used to it and just ignores it. He always says she is a bit funny like that.

When I gently remind her I don't agree, she will always say 'of course I think both my grandsons are good-looking. It's just the eldest one is particularly so because of my genes!'

Think I would maliciously misunderstand. I’m really upset to think he looks like a woman in her 70s! Could I save some money by applying for a free bus pass for him?

You need to stop her making comments in front of your ds, that’s extremely damaging. I can’t believe she makes these comments! Shut her down next time, absolutely no more comments re looks in front of the children.

She does childcare whilst we work-

Use paid childcare and then see her much less!

It was very clear that my mother favoured one of my DDs .... we all used to joke about it when she was gone! Better out in the open ...

I think I’d ignore any comments about her own appearance why burst her bubble - that would be mean.
But I would take her aside, when no one else is around, and say absolutely no comments comparing the children’s appearance please. Ask if she notices how blatant and unkind it is to ds2. If she does it again after that just say ‘oh, look at the time, it’s time you went home now MIL, I will drop you back now” and have another chat in the car saying you meant what you said before.

She sounds batshit.
Stop allowing her to compare your children to their faces.

This is toxic and not normal.
Woman up and assert yourself.

@Mummypie21

As someone mentioned earlier, I would
absolutely shut down the comparisons between the 2 DC. That is damaging.

Everything else I would smile / nod / ignore.

they shouldn’t have to listen to her commenting on their appearance, you really ought to put a stop to that. If she wants to witter about how own looks and how young she looks etc whatever but I wouldn’t tolerate her comparing my children’s appearance, to their faces no less! Why have you and your husband allowed this for so long?!

I guess it's because she was complementary about both our boys and there wasn't anything negative. Even now, she isn't negative about younger DS at all but just overly positive about older DS.

I do agree I need to woman up. To be fair, I don't really care that she thinks she's beautiful. It's great to have self-confidence. But I wish she didn't comment on other people's looks (and that includes mine).

Thankfully, my younger boy is resilient and will say back 'I'm still handsome though'.

This I asbuloutely do think is more damaging than seeing a parent sticking up for him when an adult tells him he is 'less than' constantly. Clearly the poor kid - at under 7yrs old - is very used to this. Very damaging to his mental health and self esteem..

Such blatant favouritism is completely out of order.
Why have you let it carry on? I’d have stamped on it with the very first comment.

You are right. Younger DS is only in reception. This has been apparent recently which is why I want to nip it in the bud.

DS2 is quite confident because we always call him our little prince at home so he won't take comments like that. However, I do need to stop it now.