50th birthday surprise

[abovetheantiqueshop]

Quick background. Just turned 50 and in the months leading up my partner and DDs have been asking how I'd like to celebrate. I have a very hectic job, life, etc. and said I'd love a restful weekend away with just us and ABSOLUTELY NO surprises or inviting visitors to stay. I live in the UK and my family lives in another country. So they said they had planned a surprise trip - day before they said it was to a lovely spa hotel. I was so relieved and excited as this was exactly what I wanted. Then day of my birthday, after working from home all day, the house a tip, cupboards bare, haven't even brushed my hair, I answer the door to six family members coming for a week from abroad. 4 of them have never been to the UK so really keen to see everything, etc. I know I should be grateful that they came, but playing hostess and caring for others (which is all I ever do) is the last thing I want now. I feel so disappointed and disrespected. Despite being crystal clear about how I wanted to celebrate, everyone disregarded my wishes. I also struggle with anxiety and this has put me in a bad place. I also had 2 recent health scares so overall feeling like I needed some time off. I got in a big row with my partner but am acting like 'everything is fine and I'm happy' for the sake of the visitors. AIBU to be pissed off?

You are 100 million percent right to be totally pissed off. What the actual fluff were they thinking. If they had cleaned the house, stocked the cupboards sent you out for a spa day to dicky yourself up, prepared to let you sit up with your relatives and relax I would say you were being unreasonable. Ah OP I am sorry they did that to you.

Are they are staying in your house for a week??

Blow that for a game of soldiers.

Who has set this up?

Is there a plan meals out/catered meal at home/take out food?

WTAF was the thinking behind this?

Fucking hell and they didn't even prepare the house for guests coming at the very least?

Go on your spar break. It's your 50th and you've had enough and they need to know they've fucked up.

Please get yourself out and let your bloke deal with his mess.

Absolutely not unreasonable - why haven't your partner and DD's prepared for guests?!

Aside from that - I would definitely say to them - 'please tell me I will still get my spa weekend? That was what I was most looking forward to, as we discussed'.

In the meantime I would ask your family what their plan is for your guests & try to enjoy it as much as you can, but please don't play hostess. If it becomes awkward, just apologise to your guests and explain you had no idea they were coming. I really feel for you x

No - they are staying nearby. I don't have room for everyone to stay. But it just feels like no one gives a shit about what I want. I know it was well intentioned, but I'm so angry I couldn't even sleep last night! And just so sick of acting like everything's okay for the sake of others. I thought at 50 this kind of BS ends!

YANBU, OP. I always told my husband that any surprise parties, or similar, are absolutely grounds for divorce! Fortunately, he finds such things as cringe as I do.
Is it too late to take yourself off somewhere on your own, OP? Then you can relax and your idiot family can cope with all the visitors.

I am so sorry @abovetheantiqueshop That’s just not right. You deserve to spend your birthday how you want you. I hope that you manage to get some time on your birthday to yourself. 💐💐💐

I’d be absolutely fuming.

Bloody hell, what a total disregard for your wishes. Really thoughtless.

For additional context, visitors include my sibling and their family, who I have been asking to come for years and years. They've finally come and I feel so much pressure to show them a good time. I just would have liked a head's up to plan properly and mentally prepare. Now it feels like this long awaited visit is ruined because I'm in a bad place. How can I pull myself together??

YANBU. That is really inconsiderate and sounds very stressful. Did you go to the spa or was that a red herring? I would be devastated if someone told me I was going to a spa and it was just a white lie to cover for a surprise I didn't want 😅

No - the 5-star spa hotel was a red herring...and it was exactly what I would have wanted.

I’m fuming in your behalf.

Ok, this is really shitty and I too would be fucking fuming. Could you maybe reframe it that they all love you and want to celebrate you? Or is it too soon?!

You sound like you're at the end of your tether and rightly so. I would tell them honestly that you're a bit frayed at the moment and as a 50th birthday gift from them all you'd like their help to spend some time relaxing.

Set out a rough plan for the duration of the visit so you know what you've got coming up and when. Include in the plan things that you like doing, your favourite cafe for a coffee, walks, swims whatever, then you're not just being dragged round.

Early nights, drink water, eat well.

Book a house clean or an extra one if you already have a cleaner. Your DH is in charge of a comprehensive supermarket shop immediately. Book yourself in for three things during the week that would make you feel treated, and take a couple of hours out to do them, so, a massage, a yoga class you like, and I don't know, a long walk up a steep hill, whatever.

I would then book a few nights at The Scarlet, solo or with a good friend. And extend your 50th out until then.

Oh this is awful. OK as others have said, try and make the best of it but absolutely treat yourself to the spa break when you can. A birthday treat doesn't actually have to be ON your birthday.

No, that’s a really stupid thing for them to do. Whilst it may have been well intentioned, they didn’t listen to what you wanted and needed at all. And to not even prepare the house for the guests you didn’t know were arriving is awful. Let them do all the cooking and cleaning. When your guests have gone make sure you get that spa break to yourself to enjoy some you time.

Oh I would be absolutely outraged. I assumed your family had decided to come and your SH didn't put them off, but that you would still be getting your spa weekend.

I would be spelling out to my DH in no uncertain term just how fucked off I was at this. I really feel for you

Right, if you want to make the best of it. Go out for the day with your sibling. Tell your household that they're not invited and you want the house running like a well oiled machine for when you get back, with food in the cupboards and a meal ready.

More context. 2 of the visitors are my parents, who have had some recent health problems and made a very long journey to come. So it would absolutely devastate them to know I was unhappy. I guess I will try to be as mindful as possible about the whole thing while they're here and try to enjoy the time. Hopefully my 50s will improve after this!! It was my DH who invited everyone - so he's really to blame!

Let us hope DH is all over catering, housekeeping and hosting.

That would be a nice surprise!

Bloody hell OP, what was he thinking 🤦‍♀️😡

I'd sit back and let DH carry on. I mean, he must have a plan of action, no?

I think if technically you're not unhappy to see them then shift your birthday focus out to another weekend where you book yourself something lovely, and take from this week what you can, by implementing some loving boundaries!

And yes, DH is in charge of all catering, cleaning, any grunt work. You're checking out for a week, happy birthday!

Get through the week with your visitors as best you can and then book yourself in for the spa hotel after they've gone. Give your DP the bill.