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AIBU?

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Original poster

Difference in lifestyle current V previous relationship

30 replies

latenightlights · 10/07/2025 23:36

Prepared to get flamed for it so I'm in for a reality check.

I'm with DP for almost 2 years now. All good, calm and happy relationship. He has DS form a previous relationship. His ex cheated on him twice, after the second time he left (DS was 6 at the time, not sure if this is relevant). It has been 3 years ago.
He has been mentioning the lifestyle they had, how he worked a lot to provide so she could be at home and didn't have to work, how they had top spec furniture, appliances, holidays and so on. And how he left it all to her when he left. That's also including his dog whom she wanted to keep to feel safer.

We don't have that. Even when he buys something now for his house, knowing we are going to be living together soon, it is not anywhere close to what he had in his previous life. He is adamant he loves me so much, that he has been looking for me all his life, is happiest he has ever been and that he sees our future together. But because I know that he put much more effort in the previous relationship, and wanted to have a nice lifestyle there, but isn't as bothered here I don't know how to feel. Do I not deserve at least the same effort if he is happier here? Am I looking at this from wrong place?

Thank you for reading and sharing your thoughts.

OP posts:
Ace56 · 10/07/2025 23:39

Were they married? Why did he leave the house and everything to her?

Original poster
latenightlights · 10/07/2025 23:41

Just to add to say that I work, love my job and earn ok money. It is about the effort he puts into this relationship v the effort in the previous one

OP posts:
Original poster
latenightlights · 10/07/2025 23:42

They were going to get married but then covid hit and she had another affair so it never happened

OP posts:
Luciferthethird · 10/07/2025 23:44

Do you know that’s what actually happened? His ex might tell a different story, or it could be that she pushed for the nicer spec things. Its an odd thing to bring up either way.

Hazelsticksandwillow777 · 10/07/2025 23:48

I think you are perhaps taking this the wrong way op. I understand where you are coming from in terms of the effort but from his perspective it’s once burned twice shy I think!

From his perspective he probably thinks that he put all this effort in to provide expensive holidays and top of the range furniture and the marriage still failed so, this isn’t probably as much as a reflection about you, as it is a dawning realisation that at the crux of it, those things are really not what matters!

Hazelsticksandwillow777 · 10/07/2025 23:48

Can you talk to him about it?

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 10/07/2025 23:49

Maybe he felt that he had to buy all that stuff to live up to her expectations (keep
her in the manner to which she was accustomed!) but feels more comfortable with you and trusts that your feelings for him are not as shallow as hers were.

Maybe he was trying to fill a hole in his life where a happy relationship would have been but instead he bought loads of stuff to compensate.

Maybe he thought buying lots of nice stuff was part of having a nice life, but when it turned out to be not such a nice life he’s reconsidered his priorities.

Maybe he doesn’t want anything that reminds him of the time with her.

Whate the reason, my gut instinct is that it’s probably a positive thing. He doesn’t feel he needs to impress you with expensive stuff because that’s not a sign of a healthy relationship.

ByPeachPeer · 10/07/2025 23:50

Do you mean effort as your post sounds like you mean money. Maybe he's relieved thinking you're not bothered about him having to spend a fortune like he did with ex.

TheSmallAssassin · 10/07/2025 23:52

How is spending money on expensive things "putting effort" into the relationship? It seems a very superficial way of looking at life, and didn't end happily for him last time, so I don't blame him for adjusting his outlook.

ShamrockShenanigans · 10/07/2025 23:53

In my experience blokes tend to talk a good relationship when it comes to the ex.

However, she often has a different story to tell.

His past has nothing to do with your relationship with him, so I'd put it out of your mind.

If you're happy with him then that's all that matters.

If you want nicer things, you'll have to get a better paying job.

DelphiniumBlue · 10/07/2025 23:55

He probably doesn’t have as much disposable cash now.

LurkyMcLurkinson · 11/07/2025 00:17

Have you spoken to him about this?

Suednymph · 11/07/2025 00:32

Sounds like a future faker. They all were the victim, they all left their ex who cheated on them or abused them in some way with the house and the dog and all the mod cons cos they are just such good men. I smell a rat with this one sorry op.

NewbieYou · 11/07/2025 00:42

Clearly he discovered that breaking himself to buy all that stuff wouldn’t make someone love him anymore. And that if they left they can keep it! I wouldn’t be doing all that again either.

flowersandfoil · 11/07/2025 04:28

I don’t equate having an expensive dishwasher or “top spec” furniture with relationship effort?

Original poster
latenightlights · 11/07/2025 08:06

I don't need a better paying job, already have one. It is down to the fact what sort of lifestyle he wants for us. Was so much invested in researching and getting the best he could there but that's not the case in this relationship. At some level it hurts and it tells me he valued the other relationship more, but that's not what he says (I haven't mentioned it to him in this context).

It is him who keeps going back to it. I never needed to know that in a first place. It wouldn't even cross my mind to ask. He mentioned yesterday again that he needs a new hoover, and that he used to have the newest cordless Dyson but left it there together with other stuff. And now he is going to buy some sort of no name something. I did ask him why is he getting something different if the other one was so good and he was so happy having it? He brushes it off and changes the subject. And in the end of the day it is his hoover. if he struggled financially I wouldn't say anything at all. But it is him who is adamant he can save and buy whatever he wants, but it appears his wants have changed a lot and I haven't seen his words reflected in the real life.
I could speak to him about it, but not sure what to say to him to reflect how I feel.

Thanks so much for all responses, they all are very helpful!

OP posts:
Dontwanttobeanebsnamum · 11/07/2025 08:11

Money doesn’t equal effort and now he will have probably have less money because he is maintaining a household and hopefully paying a decent amount of child maintanance.

BurnTheWholeThingDown · 11/07/2025 08:12

It’s because it’s bullshit.

I had one of these. Used to tell me about the top of the line cars, beautifully maintained and furnished house, holidays him and his (cheating and abusive) ex wife had.

It was part of the way he kept me feeling ‘less than’. And of course it was all bollocks. He was the abusive cheat, and any nice things they had were purely down to HER hard work and effort. He was scum.

Kchs232 · 11/07/2025 08:14

Dump him now OP. No point staying with him if hes only willing to buy a no name brand hoover instead of a Dyson. 🙄

EternalLodga · 11/07/2025 08:18

You mention "his" house and "his" hoover. So you dont live together? I dont understand why this is bothering you when you dont share a living space or lifestyle?

I also dont understand why he left her all his stuff. I left my ex most of my stuff sadly, but thats because I moved country and couldn't afford to pack it all up with me.

Endofyear · 11/07/2025 08:34

It sounds like he was insecure in his last relationship and felt like he had to try hard to keep her, spending on things to impress her. He's probably now realised that it doesn't work and wants to be with you because you love him for himself and don't need material things to prove how he feels about you. I'd take that as a compliment.

theleafandnotthetree · 11/07/2025 08:44

You sound really superficial OP but perhaps you've been hiding that from him and he thinks you don't mind so much about stuff. Maybe he wasn't acting in tune with his values in his previous relationship, maybe he has less money to throw around but doesn't want to admit it, maybe previous investments were in essentially a family home which is a different kind of thing. Nothing you have written- apart from the horrors of the no name hoover 🙄- suggests anything other than normal living standards and the more important questions are around kindness, fun, shared values, etc.

saraclara · 11/07/2025 08:46

NewbieYou · 11/07/2025 00:42

Clearly he discovered that breaking himself to buy all that stuff wouldn’t make someone love him anymore. And that if they left they can keep it! I wouldn’t be doing all that again either.

That. Plus presumably he's paying child support etc.

Seems like he's just learned from past experience and is now budgeting wisely.
But then a bloke who always buys top spec would be a minor red flag for me. I'm not into that kind of spendiness.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 11/07/2025 08:52

BurnTheWholeThingDown · 11/07/2025 08:12

It’s because it’s bullshit.

I had one of these. Used to tell me about the top of the line cars, beautifully maintained and furnished house, holidays him and his (cheating and abusive) ex wife had.

It was part of the way he kept me feeling ‘less than’. And of course it was all bollocks. He was the abusive cheat, and any nice things they had were purely down to HER hard work and effort. He was scum.

I admit this had not occurred to me, but now I’ve read it I’m rethinking my own response to this. It does sound like a very real possibility.

OP is there any way you can check if what he’s saying is true?

Onthewaytothemountains · 11/07/2025 09:08

I don't think you're being superficial. You're not saying you want these things. You just don't understand the change and worry that he values your life together differently. My gut is that he knows this didn't make any difference so he has changed his attitude, but I think you should explain you find this a bit hurtful and confusing, and you ought to be able to discuss it at least once.