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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would it bother you if your girlfriend/boyfriend never bought you anything?

42 replies

Yakkers21 · 10/07/2025 19:12

I have been with my boyfriend for 9/10 months. We both are in the same boat financially and can afford treats here and there and he has had a couple of bonuses from work in that period of time. I don’t know if my issue is just me having a different type of personality or if I’m just expecting too much, hence me asking you guys!

I am the sort of person where I like to think I’m quite thoughtful - bringing someone’s favourite coffee when going over, buying little gifts here and there, treating to takeaways or food out sometimes. My boyfriend is the opposite and I’m starting to think, quite stingy with his money. He has never bought me a drink when out (say a coffee shop), never offered to pay for a takeaway, has only ever bought me a gift for Christmas or my birthday. It did really bother me, so I have stopped paying for him and will now only pay for my own drinks or food.

Apart from this money issue, he is great. I have a chronic illness and when that flares up, he does pretty much everything for me. Comes to all of my appointments, nothing is ever too much to ask for when it comes to helping me out, so I can’t complain about that side of things.

AIBU?

OP posts:
2024onwardsandup · 10/07/2025 19:13

When you have dinner out do you split or only pay for what you eat?

I couldn’t be with someone like that. I have a friend who has been with her partner for years and they have a kid. They still itemize everything. I don’t think that’s a partnership. Even though you’re early days it is a sign still…

NotrialNodeal · 10/07/2025 19:15

He sounds great. Tight though. And thats a shame cause that would completely put me off.

Original poster
Yakkers21 · 10/07/2025 19:15

2024onwardsandup · 10/07/2025 19:13

When you have dinner out do you split or only pay for what you eat?

I couldn’t be with someone like that. I have a friend who has been with her partner for years and they have a kid. They still itemize everything. I don’t think that’s a partnership. Even though you’re early days it is a sign still…

So I used to pay a lot of the time - because of his reluctance to do so - but I got sick of always covering the bill, so now I only pay for myself!

OP posts:
Original poster
Yakkers21 · 10/07/2025 19:16

NotrialNodeal · 10/07/2025 19:15

He sounds great. Tight though. And thats a shame cause that would completely put me off.

Yeah, it is quite off putting which is a huge shame because he really takes care of me in every other way!

OP posts:
HundredMilesAnHour · 10/07/2025 19:17

I couldn’t be with someone who’s stingy. It’s a complete turn-off for me. I’m very generous (or so I’m told) and just find stinginess incredibly unattractive. I don’t expect someone to spend money they don’t have but I couldn’t be with someone who’s tight.

PhilosophicalCheeseSandwich · 10/07/2025 19:18

Yes, if someone I thought cared deeply about me never had those 'saw this and thought of you' moments, I might feel a bit unimportant or overlooked.

My husband brought me some weird Korean crisps home yesterday, knowing I'd be intrigued and want to try them. It's a tiny kindness that let me know I'm on his mind and he wants to make me happy.

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 10/07/2025 19:19

In the bin with him. Tight with money, tight with other things as well I expect.

DeedlessIndeed · 10/07/2025 19:21

I initially thought that there is just a difference of "love languages" at play.

But not even reciprocating or alternating buying take away or drinks etc goes into stingy. Fine when you're casually dating. A disaster when you set up a life together with shared expenses, bills, kids, differences of earnings potentials etc.

I would either have a discussion to understand where he stands on finances, or throw him back. It's a shame, but your life will be unnecessarily hard if you aren't on the same page about finances.

Eddielizzard · 10/07/2025 19:23

Have you talked to him about it? He must have noticed that you've stopped offering.

It would bother me, but that's because I like make the effort to treat my loved ones.

WhatTheHelll · 10/07/2025 19:25

My sisters husband never pays for her and it gives me the ick as he will pay for himself and leave her to order separately for her and their sons. I couldn’t be in a relationship like this.

Hatty65 · 10/07/2025 19:26

I think being mean with money is a sign of a mean nature, and it's very offputting.

If he's too tight to buy you a coffee because he'd rather keep the £3.20 than treat you to a hot drink it doesn't say much for how much he cares about you or thinks of you.

It's a deal breaker for me, because I'm generous with money and I know that I'd grow to resent someone like this and think they were taking the piss.

ShoeeMcfee · 10/07/2025 19:28

Can you imagine your life if you stayed with him? Even though he's nice in other ways, as PP have said, tightness is a deal breaker.

makingthecut · 10/07/2025 19:33

Have you talked about it and asked him why? I think that would influence my decision. If he’s considerate in other ways, what is it about money that’s different.

Either way, it’s not an attractive quality. I’m not someone who needs to be treated like a princess and all that bullshit. I don’t expect men to pay on dates and buy me endless gifts but I wouldn’t want to be with someone who never even treats me to a coffee!

Thatslife234 · 10/07/2025 19:33

My ex was like this. I didn't realise how bad it was till it was far too late. Had a DC with him. Its a huge red flag and I would leave him.

RUN for the hills OP.

Thatslife234 · 10/07/2025 19:34

WhatTheHelll · 10/07/2025 19:25

My sisters husband never pays for her and it gives me the ick as he will pay for himself and leave her to order separately for her and their sons. I couldn’t be in a relationship like this.

Why doesn't he go half for his kids? Are they his kids too?

WeylandYutani · 10/07/2025 19:36

My boyfriend is like this but he buys me coffee and drinks if we go out. He is autistic and gifts are not really his love language. He will do practical things for me which means a lot more.

Nina1013 · 10/07/2025 19:37

Have you actually told him that it bothers you?
Many moons ago, my now husband wanted to pay individually for a Nando’s and I was completely put off. I’m very much a take turns/more relaxed about who pays what kind of person. It sounds really disproportionate but it totally gave me the ick.

It was early days so I bit my tongue (I actually just paid for us both to avoid the whole paying separately) but it bothered me enough that I snapped/blurted it out a while later. He honestly just hadn’t thought.

He is a great husband, we share all money (he now earns loads more than I ever will), doesn’t begrudge me a penny and never has. He just didn’t think like I did until it was pointed out. Might be worth just mentioning to him how much it bothers you?

Original poster
Yakkers21 · 10/07/2025 19:39

I know he can be a bit anxious about money sometimes - despite having enough to comfortably live on and I think he could potentially be on the spectrum so I don’t know if that plays a role at all? But no I haven’t mentioned it, because I don’t want to sound rude or demanding him to buy me things, especially where it is an early stages relationship.

OP posts:
WhatTheHelll · 10/07/2025 19:40

Him being your carer does seem very full on though for a 9 months relationship.

Thatslife234 · 10/07/2025 19:41

Does he work OP?

Screamingabdabz · 10/07/2025 19:43

So he’s never bought you a birthday or Christmas present? You’re those women who get heartbroken on Mother’s Day because the partner couldn’t be arsed and it turns out he’s never been arsed in all the years they’ve been together. But she put up with it and made the mistake of breeding with him.

People treat you how you allow them to. You’re sad now, and it’ll only get worse. Bin him off.

NoraLuka · 10/07/2025 19:46

ExH never did presents, it just didn’t cross his mind. In his family presents are for children and not adults, and if he ever did get me a birthday present it would be something useful for the house that we needed anyway. I didn’t actually mind too much about that, possibly because it paled into insignificance compared to some of the other things he did 😁

OP, your boyfriend sounds generous with his time so he’s maybe not a lost cause? Is he saving up for something, or does he see buying treats as a waste of money (I’m not saying it is, but some people do think that), or maybe he used to be short of money so he’s careful now? Maybe if you could understand why he’s behaving like this it would help.

Elephantiner · 10/07/2025 19:46

Does he expect the recieve though. If not then maybe his annoyed that you’d expect him to waste his money on fripperies such as coffee out and takeaways when that’s not his scene.

butterdish93 · 10/07/2025 19:48

Yes this would upset me. Gifts and small treats or even as you say just coffee make peoples day. It’s caring and thoughtful and an act of love.
he sounds like a good guy and perhaps it’s just not his love language. My partner doesn’t place any value on gifts etc, so in the early days it agent occurred to him that I might place value on them!
i just told him how important and nice stuff like that is in a relationship or even friendship and since then he’s been great. It was a bit forced at first but now it’s very natural as they years have gone by.
just talk to him about it.

youreactinglikeafunmum · 10/07/2025 19:48

Absolutely, i deserve to be treated well and that includes gifts, trips away and nights out. I'd leave

That said, with your chronic illness, what does he do for you? Maybe his love language just isn't gifts. Is he unemployed, maybe?

For your birthday, was the gift heartfelt and beautiful?

Dunno, I'd leave but if you think he can be changed on that one thing, try and see if you can speak to him about it xx