Would it bother you if your girlfriend/boyfriend never bought you anything?

[Yakkers21]

I have been with my boyfriend for 9/10 months. We both are in the same boat financially and can afford treats here and there and he has had a couple of bonuses from work in that period of time. I don’t know if my issue is just me having a different type of personality or if I’m just expecting too much, hence me asking you guys!

I am the sort of person where I like to think I’m quite thoughtful - bringing someone’s favourite coffee when going over, buying little gifts here and there, treating to takeaways or food out sometimes. My boyfriend is the opposite and I’m starting to think, quite stingy with his money. He has never bought me a drink when out (say a coffee shop), never offered to pay for a takeaway, has only ever bought me a gift for Christmas or my birthday. It did really bother me, so I have stopped paying for him and will now only pay for my own drinks or food.

Apart from this money issue, he is great. I have a chronic illness and when that flares up, he does pretty much everything for me. Comes to all of my appointments, nothing is ever too much to ask for when it comes to helping me out, so I can’t complain about that side of things.

AIBU?

A coffee is hardly a grand gesture. Tightness is a terrible flaw to hold. I think the tight people don't even realise themselves!

It depends on someones love language. Not everyone is a gift giver.

I do think it is pretty entitled to complain about not being bought gifts. It sounds like his love language is practical things.

I admit I'm a bit like this too, it's brought on by being poor when I was young for me i think so now I've never got out of that habit of saving money and don't like seeing money leave my account unless it's necessary, I buy presents for birthdays and Christmas but not any other time because I see it as a treat a couple of times a year, my husband is more like you and in all honesty I don't like being surprised with things I'd rather save it for specific dates where its expected and save the money for other things, although I'm not so stingy about certain things like buying a coffee, that's a bit too much even for me. Lucky for me though my husband understands that's just how I am and he always gets a thoughtful gift on his birthday and Christmas and he's happy with that.

Do you mean that if you and he went out for a drink or a meal, you always paid? How did that happen? You earn the same amount!

Oh yikes, that's not very nice.

I don't like frittering so I'll tend to take a water bottle out and about but my husband doesn't plan ahead and will buy coffees as and when. If I'm with him he'll automatically get me one too. I suppose he could say I hardly ever reciprocate but my point is I wouldn't be buying it for myself anyway. Also in my defence I'm the higher earner (semi separate finances) and I do pay for more of our bigger treats - holidays, meals out etc that I do think are worthwhile.

I think it's awful when someone is just happy to take from you and never reciprocate at all, even once in a while. Many years ago I had a boyfriend at uni, we lived in the same house share and we all mainly bought our food separately. However I did always do me and him a cooked breakfast on Sundays before we went to the gym. One day he was making a chicken curry and asked if I wanted him to do a bit extra for me. I said yes please and he asked me for £2 to cover the extra chicken breast. I was fuming and said I couldn't believe he would ask me that when he got a "free" cooked breakfast every week. He got all huffy saying omg, I didn't realise you were adding it all up. The thing was, I wasn't, it was a nice gesture I liked doing and it would have been nice to have a similar gesture once in a while, not "in return" but to reflect mutual affection and respect.

Ah. The ASD aspect is important. Especially if he demonstrates love and caring in his actions and around your ill health.

have you spoken with him. Made it clear what you would like. Explain clearly that you don’t want him to cover you as such but you would like to feel that he is able to pay fir you sometimes just as you gave picture him.

autistic people often respond well to being told what you would like and why. Rather than just sending that you are unhappy and pulling back by now not paying for his coffee. This can really puzzle a person.

He isn’t my carer at all. I am independent in all senses, he just helps me out with things when I am having a flare up for a couple of days until I’m back on my feet again.

Yes he does.

We share our finances completely now (we've been together for a hundred years) but before that, I was much more thoughtful and more likely to buy him gifts, than he was to buy me gifts.
I've hinted and hinted over the years about buying me flowers, chocolates, underwear (yes, it's lame, but I like this stuff) but it falls on deaf ears.
However, I'm currently on the train heading home from a work event and I won't be home until gone 9pm and I'm starving, and I'll walk in to a hot dinner ready for me, and he'll hand me a glass of wine. So, you pick your battles 🤷🏼‍♀️

That’s the only exception - Christmas and my birthday this year

I can’t stand this kind of tightness. It’s fair enough if you’re skint, but otherwise it’s a huge turn-off.

I'll add, he buys me very thoughtful birthday and Christmas presents.

How does that work? So when you get a takeaway, does he offer to have a takeaway or you do? What about the coffee shops, does he suggest going there or you? I would speak to him about his views regarding money etc. Maybe he thinks it’s unnecessary spent and he does not want to spend money. What about cinema? Or any other things you do. Does he invite you to do something? It’s kind of weird to be fair, maybe he doesn’t have that much money left? Maybe he spends somewhere else or has debts? I would feel like he’s using me if I have to pay for everything myself or I give little treats and get nothing back. Does he buy you flowers?

I’d have a conversation about it OP. He sounds a good one in other ways.
Give him the chance to mend his ways.

Have you actually discussed your financial outlooks? This is really not something you can continue to not discuss. That would be hugely unreasonable.

Well no. This is unacceptable. YANBU

This person isn’t your boyfriend.
An acquaintance who you buy coffee/ food for and he perhaps is happy to pick up your shopping or run you to an appointment.

Am I seeing it like that?
A boyfriend (unless I just hit lucky) buys you surprises. I remember my boyfriend (now husband) of a few days bought me a record of musician I commented on. When he was going away, a hot water bottle (it was winter). When he returned he brought a small gifts (homemade slippers I think on one occasion). In the summer he would turn up with icecream because I’d had a rotten day at work.

Hes just been away with our adult son to and event I did the admin for the group. He came home with a first aid kit for my car and Hi - viz, not exciting, but I did ask for them.