to think your anniversary is the day you met (if you aren't married) and you might want to spend it together?

[KidsDoBetter]

Bit of a double AIBU here

DP and I (both lates 40s) are currently long distance. Together 4 years (tomorrow ;)). We own a house together in town A which is a 2.5-3 hr drive to where I am based most of the time (Town B). I will be living full time in Town A with him in about a year.

I have been travelling up and down to Town A at weekends. DP has stayed put since we moved (6 weeks ago) as we are doing work to the house that he is organising.

I am a bit sad for 2 reasons. Last weekend when I was with him I mentioned that 11 July was our anniversary. he was a bit defensive as I was gently ribbing him that he'd forgotten (he is not a dates person). So he said when did it become a thing that you mark when you got together. Well, (which I said to him) we've done it for the last 3 years, so its always been a thing. I guess more driven my me but we've always done something nice like gone out for dinner and he never expressed a sentiment that it wasn't worth observing or silly.

Secondly today we were chatting by phone and he isn't working today either on the house or his job as he is a little hungover after a well-deserved night out with a friend (and no work to do - freelance). He is normally v busy. He is due to drive much closer to Town B (ie kind of past my house) tomorrow lunchtime for a whole weekend event I am not going to (so I won't see him for the weekend - which I am totally fine about). But then I said why don't you drive down to me tonight and then go to your family thing tomorrow. He just said no - he's going to wash the windows and is planning on going tomorrow.

It makes me sad that we have moved beyond the time where we would do anything to have time together. I know that last min changes of plan he struggles with and being hungover / heat probably makes you not feel up to a 3 hr journey this evening.

I guess my question is AIBU in feeling sad about those things. Should I say to him its made me sad? I then feel if I guilt tripped him into coming its just as bad....

has he always been so disinterested?
why are you doing all the moving and travelling?

You are, really. I am also in a LDR, 4 years (just about to move in together) and we haven't always been able to spend out 1st date day together. No problem.

How is your relationship normally? If it’s good overall then I wouldn’t be in the least bothered about this, but if you think a pattern is developing where he’s showing less commitment then I would be more concerned.

Sounds like you’re the person in this relationship who is putting the work in.

So you are not married, you've bought a house together (in whose name?) that you don't live in, 3 hours away from where you do live.

And you plan to live 3 hours apart for the next year or so? And he is not bothered about seeing you enough to travel to see you?

This could be a long year!

Can you arrange a date night to mark the four years maybe in the next week or two?

Is the day you met the same day you started dating? Before we were married (the first 4 years of our relationship), we used the date we had our first date, not the date we met, as our anniversary.

That aside, if that's the date you've picked as a special one, I'd be super disappointed if DH prioritised cleaning the windows (of all things) over doing something with me (or even just seeing me) close to that date at a time when we were living apart (which we have had to do at various times in the relationship).

My partner is like this whereas I love a birthday, anniversary etc. It makes me sad that he doesn't think the way I do about these things but it doesnt make him a bad person.
There was a point in time that I put a reminder in his diary 2-weeks before important dates so it jogged his memory to buy a present/card!

The house is in our joint names purchased 50/50. It's where we both want to live ultimately. It's his only home - I still have a flat in town B that I will sell in a year.

Longer term the idea is that he will come down to town B and spend some time with me there but up until now he has in fairness being doing a load of work to the house. And I will spend about half the month in townA in our joint house before moving there full time.

Yes the day we met was our first date I guess. I still think its normal to have an anniversary even if you've not got married.

Yes this is a possibility mid way through next week when I can go to Town A.

I also know he has forgotten tomorrow's date

Christ, I'm not quite sure what month dh and I met, let alone the day and date 😅

It is good overall - whilst not less committment (we just bought a house together) defo less effort and romance. he can be a bit up and down tbh.

But you would have done 4 years in before you married, no?

I’m married … we don’t really mark our anniversary. I certainly don’t have any idea if the date we met, went on our first date etc.

24 years in .. (ish)

Nope! 😆

Your house is on fire and you're worrying about the curtains.

You bought a house together that he lives in, but not you, and he's washing his hair, sorry, windows rather than see you.

You can make the date you met significant or whatever (and no, I don't know people who celebrate that but whatever). That won't make him interested in spending time with you. He sounds checked out.

Yeah yanbu

He needs to remember that just because youre committed, doesn't mean you stop treating the woman you're with like shes the love of your life!

He needs to pull his finger out just a bit. As he is working on the house, its understandable that hes just a bit exhausted, but he still needs to make time to be romantic with you 💕

Me and DP have been together 20 years, not married, have never celebrated our anniversary. Fuck knows when it would be if we did!

First night we met? We were both with other people and just met through a friend and barely shared two words.

First night we kissed? I'd ended a long distance relationship the same evening, and she dated other people afterwards.

First date? Again, DP continues dating other people for a while.

First time we slept together? We could do that I suppose, if either of us had remembered what date that was by a year in. To be honest, we had bigger stuff to deal with by that point, a one month old to be exact!

I get celebrating a wedding anniversary, it's a fixed point in time, a one off. But pretty much every other first you could celebrate is just one of many, so I don't really see the point.

Unless he's thick as the wall, he will already know you're a bit sad. You've already made it clear you're disappointed he hasn't made an effort to see you for your 'anniversary' and gave him an opportunity to give you some time in lieu. He hasn't taken the opportunity because he doesn't think it was important and he isn't that bothered that you did. Its entirely up to you what you do with that knowledge. You can adjust your expectations and expect less in future. Or you can tell him you expect greater effort. But there's no point at all telling him something he already knows and chose to ignore.

No.

I think you are overreacting. If he is generally living and kind, then seeing each other on your anniversary would any a big deal. We forget our wedding anniversary most years. We have been together about 27 years, so it hasn’t mattered!

I literally couldn’t tell you the date or even the month I met my husband/ we went on our first date, I don’t think either of us have ever known or tracked that😂 I know what year it was and what season it was but that’s as good as you could get from me

I know the month we met but not the date. I’m not sure we ever celebrated it even prior to marriage.

That said, he shouldn’t stop making an effort with you. It’s even more important when you don’t live together.

What’s the relevance of the year? What is stopping you selling up and moving now?

I know our wedding anniversary but as to the date DW and I first met, I have no idea.

I can tell you the name of the pub however!