to think your anniversary is the day you met (if you aren't married) and you might want to spend it together?

[KidsDoBetter]

Bit of a double AIBU here

DP and I (both lates 40s) are currently long distance. Together 4 years (tomorrow ;)). We own a house together in town A which is a 2.5-3 hr drive to where I am based most of the time (Town B). I will be living full time in Town A with him in about a year.

I have been travelling up and down to Town A at weekends. DP has stayed put since we moved (6 weeks ago) as we are doing work to the house that he is organising.

I am a bit sad for 2 reasons. Last weekend when I was with him I mentioned that 11 July was our anniversary. he was a bit defensive as I was gently ribbing him that he'd forgotten (he is not a dates person). So he said when did it become a thing that you mark when you got together. Well, (which I said to him) we've done it for the last 3 years, so its always been a thing. I guess more driven my me but we've always done something nice like gone out for dinner and he never expressed a sentiment that it wasn't worth observing or silly.

Secondly today we were chatting by phone and he isn't working today either on the house or his job as he is a little hungover after a well-deserved night out with a friend (and no work to do - freelance). He is normally v busy. He is due to drive much closer to Town B (ie kind of past my house) tomorrow lunchtime for a whole weekend event I am not going to (so I won't see him for the weekend - which I am totally fine about). But then I said why don't you drive down to me tonight and then go to your family thing tomorrow. He just said no - he's going to wash the windows and is planning on going tomorrow.

It makes me sad that we have moved beyond the time where we would do anything to have time together. I know that last min changes of plan he struggles with and being hungover / heat probably makes you not feel up to a 3 hr journey this evening.

I guess my question is AIBU in feeling sad about those things. Should I say to him its made me sad? I then feel if I guilt tripped him into coming its just as bad....

I'm surprised there are so many who don't celebrate an anniversary of some kind.

He does sound a bit 'disinterested/checked out/taking you for granted'.

I also have no idea. Started chatting on an app late Jan and met a few weeks later 🤔

We don’t celebrate an anniversary but if we ever marry we would.

All this aside, it sounds like he’s having too much fun at home washing windows to see you, and that would worry me…

I think you're right that if you are totally honest now about how it's made you feel, then he may just do it out of guilt which won't make you feel any better.

If all else is good with the relationship it is probably just a planning in advance/last minute changes thing.

One option is that you learn from it for next year that further in advance you need to be clear what your expectations are in terms of spending that day together and doing something nice.

I have no idea of what date I met my DH, except it was Easter holidays and he was home from Uni! We never celebrated it as an anniversary, we don't make much fuss about Wedding Anniversary either, we get each other a card and might go out for lunch or dinner if he's not away with work. If you partner is generally kind and loving I wouldn't lose sleep over it. I wouldn't fancy a long drive in this heat with a hangover!

I’m glad you said that, I don’t have a clue either! We just kind of…. went out !

Same here. In fact we often get halfway through the day on our wedding anniversary before one of us will say oh crap, we’ve forgotten again!! It doesn’t seem to really matter much, there are 364 other days which are just as important!

I have no idea when I first met DH, we hung round in the same group for a few years before being a couple. We count from our first official date, but have never marked it. We don't do much for our wedding anniversary either.

I agree 1st date is acknowledged unless u marry. Tbf we couldn’t remember the exact date so we just did a meal third weekend in January . Fir our wedding anniversary we do cards and a meal

I don't think that works DH and I met on the school bus but got together at 25 and married at 30, there was never a structured first date we already knew each other and spent time together. So by your account when should our anniversary have been prior to marriage? Should it have been the night we got hammered at a gig and snogged in a sticky floored music venue then both ignored it for a bit?
I actually didn't consider us to have an anniversary until we were married.

We mention it some years but we dont do anything about it i dont get this is have decided something has to be a certain way so you have to think thr same or you are wrong type thing

We don't do the same thing on each event as life happens we know we love and care for each other so when we get to do things it happens then

I've been with my DP 4.5 years. I know the month, but no idea on the date. We've never marked it in any way.

I wasn’t that poster but for me No. Never been a thing for us and I also struggle to remember our wedding anniversary much to his amusement. I am getting better but it’s been 24 years this year so I’ve had practice.

i personally think if everything was rosy this wouldn’t be such a thing, it’s what him not caring represents to you I think. It’s wider not caring. The anniversary is a red herring.

As an update I let him know this morning that I felt a little sad and reminded him that we did a lovely dinner out last year. He had forgotten but that’s ok. He was lovely about it. We are going to try and do something mid week when I am back in Town A. All good!

He knows such things are important to me and I know he isn’t good with dates. So a lesson to me to accept him as I want him to accept me.

I appreciate everyone’s input and thoughts. I do think I am a priority to him for sure. I also know he is going through a huge change at the moment having relocated to Town A and sorting all house stuff plus some other stuff re his work and my family situation. It’s a lot!!

I know the exact date and we do make an effort to celebrate it. This year we finally had our first holiday to celebrate 🥳 (10 years in 😳).

If we eventually get married then I guess that would be the wedding anniversary but I think our current one will always have a place.

But it's really all an individual thing, many have said they can't remember etc. there's no right or wrong way to do it.

But it does seem like you and partner aren't on the same page in regards to if it matters to you.

If I was your bf I’d be a bit 🙄. Nobody but teenagers celebrate the day they got together. Wedding anniversaries, yes, of course that’s a thing. But you seem to be sad over something that only you have made into a big thing in your head.

Beware of the ‘he doesn’t do dates’ bullshit though. This is the excuse of the lazy, no effort people. And yes, you’ll happily compensate for all that until it really is a special day that does actually mean something but you can’t complain because you’ve enabled it all those years.

I don't care about dates and rarely notice anniversaries unless he mentions it on the day, no celebration.
What have you done for the past 3 anniversaries.

Well I think that’s a bit of a blanket statement - see poster above for eg. Some do some don’t.

But yeah the dates thing is annoying given we all walk around with pocket calendars in our pockets.

Last 3 we have gone out for a special dinner last year, year before that I can’t recall, first year we went back to the field we had our first date in (a lovely picnic rather than baling hay)

Thank you for the reminder! Today is the 19th anniversary of the date I met my DH. We don't celebrate it though.

Happy first date anniversary! The 11th is significant to me - our first date, day we bought our home together which is no 11. It’s a good number!

(I’m superstitious as well as slightly needy 😉)

I’m in the same age bracket as you and totally agree that if you aren’t married that your anniversary is from the date you met.

It’s been mine recently and after a poor effort from OH last year, he marked it in his phone calendar and managed a card and doorstop flowers this year so all good.

Sorry yours was a bit disappointing but hopefully you can have a nice time mid week instead. We had to have lunch out on a different day as we wouldn’t be able to see each other on the exact day (we dont live together for practical reasons).

Hmmm, I think a 4 year anniversary of meeting is a bit OTT, a bit teenage.

But I wouldn’t be impressed by coming second to washing the windows.