AIBU to have doubts about husband's career choice?

[KStar1404]

DH used to have a very well-paid corporate job which, had he continued, would have resulted in a very good salary. He didn't hate the work so much but I think hated London/city/office life and so after Covid decided to retrain as something completely different (I don't want to go into specifics but he's a tradesperson/artisan/building things).

Anyway the last few years while he's been retraining money has been very tight - he is now working for himself and trying to set up his own business, but this has also coincided with us having a baby, and whilst I have been on maternity leave we have been chipping away at savings more than I would have liked.

He works hard, is good at what he does, and seems to really enjoy it. But it's a tough industry (especially in this economy) and there's lots of talk about things he could spend money on (workshop, tools, exhibitions) and not a lot of talk about money coming in. I'm going back to work in August, and going part-time, and so losing some of my salary - in many ways this doesn't make sense but he is never going to get momentum behind his business if he also does most of the childcare.

I want to be supportive of his dream, especially as he's not been doing this long and a few big commissions could really make a difference. But since having a baby my priorities have shifted and I can't help but wish he was doing something more stable: it's making me really anxious that we have been late on our mortgage a couple of times now and are depleting savings.

I find it really difficult to talk about it with him as I don't want to stress him out, but I also don't want to become resentful. Do we just put a time limit on it and then re-evaluate? e.g. he has a year to make it work and if not...? Help!

Yikes. If you've been late on your mortgage things aren't okay, are they? He should get a part-time job alongside the artisanal one.

You can't afford to go part time and he can't afford to not have a proper job.

He does have a proper job. Since when is plumbing, electirical work or whatever OPs DH is doing not 'work?' Setting up a business is tough, but plenty of people do make a living at it. A one-person business is always tricky as you can only take on so much work - OTOH, working in the corporate world may bring in more money, but it keeps you away from home and puts you under the kind of pressure that some people can't take.

My Son-in-Law is self-employed in this way and he and DSD have had a tough time financially, though things are a lot better now. He used to have a drinking problem when he worked in corporate world. He doesn't now. As a family, they are a lot happier, but financially, it is a bit precarious from time to time.

Nailed it.

He needs to make money quickly and OP can't afford to be part time.

If she's going to be the breadwinner she can't risk ending up on the "mummy track" - before anyone shouts at me I don't like the horrible sexism or support it at all, but it unfortunately it is born out by stats that women dropping to part time often struggle to progress in their career.

My DP retrained and worked PT while our youngest was a baby, it worked because we both maintained enough earnings to meet our outgoings.

Not trying to insult you OP, its just a numbers game.

If his business is not profitable, something else needs to be.

He has a full time job and you both agreed to have a baby with all this going on. I think the answer is that you need to stay full time if you can’t reliably afford your mortgage. Asking him to give up the career he’s working for while you go part time doesn’t seem fair. If you are struggling while both full time then it’d make sense for one of you to start looking for a higher paid job.

Its is a "proper job" if he's making a living out of it. Right now he's not.

If he changes his job and you go in full time won’t the childcare costs increase?

where’s the saving in that scenario?

Are you deginitely claiming everything you are entitled to? Business grants, countil tax support, childcare vouchers? Just to help you over the bumps.

While I think job satisfaction is very important, I would worry that being late on mortgage payments could have a knock on effect down the line. For example, when your mortgage deal runs out will it stop you getting a good remortgage? Will it cost you a higher rate & make things harder in the long run?

I would think whichever one of you can earn the most realistically at the moment should work full time & the other work around childcare. How that looks is up to you.

I don’t think you can really moan about his income while choosing to work part time. It’s not more his job than yours to pay the bills.

What is his business earning? Is the issue his income or yours?

When he went self-employed did/does he have a business plan?
Does he understand what his accounts look like - how much profit does he make each month?

It sounds like he is struggling to transition from hobby - having fun, buying kit - to job - making money.

There is no point him following his dream if you all end up homeless. He needs a proper business plan, with a timescale of when to give up if it isn't profitable.

I was in a similar boat, OP. I became the breadwinner and worked compressed hours so that I could have one day off a week with our child without loosing salary or holiday. My DH then took on most of the childcare on the other 4 days. Is that an option for you?

I’m not saying it was easy and I did become a bit burnt out and resentful because money was still so tight, despite working a stressful job. In the end my DP turned his work into a “proper job” by going to work for a big company in that field. He stood out in the interview because of all the experience he had from working for himself. Again, not sure if that’s a potential option for your DH?

I totally get it - solidarity x

I would be very very wary. This was what happened to me. Five years later we're divorcing and he's probably made less than £2000 profit since he started.
If he wants to do it, then there's no reason at all why he can't do what most people do and continue working part time in an employed job whilst he builds up his client base. I did this for 15 years until I had enough work to subsist entirely on my vocational income.

Does he have to be self employed? Can he work for someone else for a while so he gets a proper salary just while baby is young abs then go out on his own again? That’s what I would suggest. Then he still gets job satisfaction but can also use that time yo learn the skills you need to run your own business

If I were you and I'd been late with mortgage payments id I'd be asking to see his business plans. He cant talk of spending money without showing what he intends to bring in and when. I would tell him 1 year or whatever you and he decide to give it, and them he has to find something that pays the bills. No way would I go part time either - bonkers.to rely on him.

My husband did something similar, and always refused to get a part time job alongside the badly paid work. This was around the time we had kids too. Nothing I said could make him earn more. I wanted to be around for the kids so I was also part time while they were little. It was really tough financially and I’ve never really forgiven him for it. On the flip side, he has supported me through career blips, though they’ve never been anything like as bad as his periods of low earnings. It’s more stable now, but still not very lucrative, but I can see that he wouldn’t cope in a “normal” job.

I’m in that boat of feeling glad we made it through with our family intact, but if I’d known more about financial abuse I would’ve left him back then. He put us in a really precarious position when I was at my most vulnerable, and would get angry whenever I raised it, painting me as the bad guy. I was too young, and trained by my mum that you do as you’re told, so I just put up with it and didn’t tell anyone. At some points I couldn’t even visit my parents as we had no money for petrol. It can get really bad very quickly.

I think you probably have to give your DH some kind of ultimatum. He can’t p*ss about with this. Is he really pulling out all the stops to win clients and make his business work, or is he just hoping things will get better? If it’s the latter, he needs to get a second job. It’s not fair to put all this stress on you.

Putting aside whether you can / cannot afford the transition period, I agree with a PP about having a business plan.

Starting out on your own is very possible, and there is money around. My thoughts are:

1. Understand how much you need / want to make.
2. Understand how many days you want to work.
3. Know what the business costs are. (Insurance / vehicle / tools etc).
4. Have a plan to achieve the above. e.g. I am going to install x amount of fitted wardrobes. How? Who for? How will they find me? Where will I advertise? Where will I make them? How will I transport them there? Do I want to manufacture and paint, or outsource painting to a spraying company etc etc.

Point 4 is the most important. I can't tell you how many businesses I've seen who have a hockey stick curve of income without any tangible plan of how this is going to happen.

And priority debts are really that, don't be late with the mortgage. You might need to renegotiate it but they may take a very dim view of your affordability now.

I also don't think you can be part-time and he can't be working on whim. And I say that as someone with adhd who's never been good at staying in paying jobs.

A job that doesn't pay the bills is (all together now) a hobby.

Solidarity, OP. I get it. Unfortunately now I'm years in and my initial encouragement and support has turned to resentment and loss of faith. I've reached ultimatum point several times, and he's said I've 'nagged' him into changing - to another safe, fun, creative thing that gives him the veneer of a career without actually bringing home the bacon.

Be very careful you don't end up with a drop-out keeping up appearances of having a career while living off you. I would say you do need to talk together and decide what your shared goals, ambitions, and lifestyle preferences are. Then decide how much you need to bring in, between you. Then you each get some flexibility - you want to drop a day a week to be with your DC, he wants some time to pursue this vocational work - you each do that around your jobs. He only gets to switch to the hobby full time when he can replace his share of the income with it. And really, you should only drop the 2nd day when your overall joint income allows it.

Sounds like you can't afford to go back part time and your dh needs to pick up a second job until his business turns a profit. Im assuming he has a business plan and timescale

Thanks all for your replies. I should clarify the months we were late on our mortgage I was on SMP (aka peanuts) and he had a very quiet month, so now I’m back at work it shouldn’t happen again. I’m going part time cause childcare sucks up too much income otherwise anyway (we don’t have grandparents nearby) and DH can’t look after baby at least for the next year because he has a 2 year contract on his work premises.

It’s a really hard one. He’s working hard and definitely taking it seriously, but I know the financial precariousness of it is starting to take away from the enjoyment. The problem with this industry and self-employment in general is fortunes can change so quickly…

Exactly. He needs a day job and for the new career to remain part-time until it can bring in an income. Not unsympathetic, but it’s hard to start off in something new, and it has to stay a hobby until you can make it pay.

He needs to go back to corporate full time or possibly 80%, but on compressed hours. He can then try to establish this business on the remaining day a week and evenings. As he becomes more established and when he gets the big commissions he can then go full time in the career of his choice.

You can't both cut your incomes simultaneously. This seems to be a very selfish move on his part- you're taking time off and going part-time; so I am going to do the same. Now is not the lifestage for him to be off pursuing a dream.

Setting up a business takes time. You're going to take a financial hit at the start. My late DH supported me through the first year of establishing a business via his salary. After that, I earned a living wage which gradually increased as the business grew.

I know you mentioned childcare but you absolutely can’t moan about your DH when you’re working part time.