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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Weird BIL won’t visit kids at our house

31 replies

bunny2023 · 10/07/2025 13:20

BIL is refusing to come to our house to visit the kids ( 20 month old twins).
He has only ever met them once in a car park when they were 3 months old.

BIL is insisting that DH brings them miles away to the house of the mothers of his younger kids.

I find this really strange as DH has always visited his kids regularly.

Apparently BIL dosent like me and believes I have “taken his brother away” from him since we have had the children.

I also refused any of the mothers of his his numerous kids to meet DC when they were born as they are no relation to DC and I don’t want to be involved or getting DC involved in dramas with the mother of his children, - something he didn’t like.

I have told DH to do what he wants but to not expect me to make any kind of effort with BIL’s kids or to buy them Xmas and birthday presents as he usually does.

AIBU?
I am quite surprised at BIL’s attitude as I haven’t seen him properly for 3 years other than the car park.

I don’t know what I have done wrong.

OP posts:
BedtimeWorries889 · 10/07/2025 13:51

You sound as bad as each other.

IamnotSethRogan · 10/07/2025 13:53

BedtimeWorries889 · 10/07/2025 13:51

You sound as bad as each other.

Yeah this. Bit of a big deal made about not being around the mothers. They are your child's cousins mothers so they're not nobody.

stealthninjamum · 10/07/2025 13:55

How many mothers are there? You sound a bit petty but if it turns out there are 5 then maybe I’d be slightly more on your side.

Lmnop22 · 10/07/2025 13:55

Why can’t your kids’ cousin’s mums meet your twins?

alcoholnightmare · 10/07/2025 13:56

IamnotSethRogan · 10/07/2025 13:53

Yeah this. Bit of a big deal made about not being around the mothers. They are your child's cousins mothers so they're not nobody.

Show quote history

Yep. You started this @bunny2023

Original poster
bunny2023 · 10/07/2025 13:56

I have never been allowed to visit their children on their home and they have never made an effort with despite being with DH for over 13 years (from school).

I have never been invited to attend any birthday party, baby shower etc so I don’t see why they should be welcomed into my home.

I have only ever meet one of the mothers twice and the others I have never met.

OP posts:
Original poster
bunny2023 · 10/07/2025 13:58

There are 4 mothers in total.

OP posts:
Valid8me · 10/07/2025 14:08

Whats with all the threads today from people moaning that family (or partners of family members) don't want to visit their children/babies?

I don't think its wierd at all that he doesn't want to come to your house to see your kids. You don;t like each other and you stopped the mothers of his kids from meeting your baby. Yet you say that you can't understand his attitude?

Maybe he just doesn't like other people's kids!

DiscoBob · 10/07/2025 14:10

It sounds like you positively despise eachother so why would he? And why would you want him to. He doesn't like you. You feel the same.

Just don't talk to him and forget he exists.

Sassybooklover · 10/07/2025 14:10

I can understand why you don't want to have to liaise with 4 different women, to facilitate their children meeting yours! Surely your BIL can bring his children to a mutual place to meet your children? You can't force him to come to your home, and he's made it clear that's not happening. He has made it known he doesn't like you, and in all honesty, it's his issue if he doesn't, not yours. As far as you're concerned you've done nothing wrong, other than marry your husband and have a family. I would leave it to your husband to make arrangements to see his brother with your children, if that means you don't go, then so be it. Take the opportunity to do something nice for yourself, and have a break.

Starlight1984 · 10/07/2025 14:15

Valid8me · 10/07/2025 14:08

Whats with all the threads today from people moaning that family (or partners of family members) don't want to visit their children/babies?

I don't think its wierd at all that he doesn't want to come to your house to see your kids. You don;t like each other and you stopped the mothers of his kids from meeting your baby. Yet you say that you can't understand his attitude?

Maybe he just doesn't like other people's kids!

Always BIL and SIL too!

LimitedBrightSpots · 10/07/2025 14:20

This sounds like a lot of fuss and effort.

Personally, I'd ignore it all and tell my DH to manage the relationship. His problem, not mine.

Original poster
bunny2023 · 10/07/2025 14:33

I don’t actually despise him, I have no idea why he dosent like me considering I don’t even know him really.

DH has told me multiple times that he keeps asking to see the kids but refuses to come to the house.

DH would have to drive 90 minutes to the house of one of the mothers of the kids.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 10/07/2025 15:14

@bunny2023

You won't visit his home because you don't like him. He won't visit your home because he doesn't like you. Sounds pretty even-Steven to me, so what's your problem?

Is there a reason why your DH can't take the DC to visit BiL (assuming DH wants to do that)? At 20 mos they'd be able to tolerate a 90 minute drive, spend the day, then 90 minutes back. Or they could meet somewhere halfway.

The bit about his DC's mothers is irrelevant. If BiL wants his children to meet your children he can arrange that with your DH.

AcrossthePond55 · 10/07/2025 15:21

bunny2023 · 10/07/2025 14:33

I don’t actually despise him, I have no idea why he dosent like me considering I don’t even know him really.

DH has told me multiple times that he keeps asking to see the kids but refuses to come to the house.

DH would have to drive 90 minutes to the house of one of the mothers of the kids.

Sorry I misread your post.

My first 2 paragraphs still stand. Despite what you say about 'not despising' him, it's obvious you don't like him. As is your privilege. And DH can take the DC to visit if he wants to do that. You don't need to go. I'm sure the DC will be perfectly fine 'in the care of' their own father.

Why does DH have to go to one of BiL's DC mother's house? Why wouldn't he take them to BiL's?

JockTamsonsBairns · 10/07/2025 15:29

Why would babies be "getting involved in dramas" with their cousins' mothers?

KrisAkabusi · 10/07/2025 15:48

It clearly works both ways. Banning people from seeing your kids because they aren't related is ridiculous. By that argument, kids should never meet their uncle's wives or aunt's husbands. Particularly if they're no married! You've imposed your own stupid rules, he's doing the same thing.

Original poster
bunny2023 · 10/07/2025 15:54

Sorry just to be clear.
His kids are all older then mine, and I have never met any of them apart from two at a family funeral.

He is the one who has never invited me to his home, to meet his mothers children etc, he is the one who implemented the rule and started all of this.
.
DH dosent want to drive 90 minutes, that’s the issue .

I have never stopped him visiting us at home, he is always welcome to see the kids any time, it’s him who has the issue.

He can’t expect to ban me from meeting his kids/ their moms etc but then expect to bring them round to my home when it suits him.
And there isn’t just one of them either, there is 4 of them.

He isn’t in a relationship with any of them so they aren’t DC aunties, they are just the mothers of the children.

OP posts:
KrisAkabusi · 10/07/2025 16:07

He isn’t in a relationship with any of them so they aren’t DC aunties, they are just the mothers of the children.

They are still your kid's cousin's mothers though. Imposing a ban on them seeing your kids is arbitrary and pointless, and will only lead to questions in the future as you kids grow up and wonder why they can't meet certain family members.

MounjaroMounjaro · 10/07/2025 16:16

I would just leave it all up to your husband - let him deal with his brother. Four mothers, ffs. Your husband should drive his brother to get a vasectomy.

pizzaHeart · 10/07/2025 16:21

So basically your BIL was always unwelcoming to you and had different restrictions and demands and when you applied the same rules he didn’t like it … What a surprise 😮

I think your post is a bit too long and complicated. I would divide the problem into parts.
If BIL wants to see your kids (and you and DH don’t mind, if you do it’s another matter and it’s not about the place then) you invite him to the house.
If you don’t want to invite him, DH finds another place to meet up.
If DH doesn’t want doing a long drive he suggests a closer place.
If BIL is not happy with a place, they try to find another.
If they can’t - tough life.

As to presents and parties I would start another thread as it’s a bit different.

BoredZelda · 10/07/2025 16:34

I also refused any of the mothers of his his numerous kids to meet DC when they were born as they are no relation to DC and I don’t want to be involved or getting DC involved in dramas with the mother of his children, - something he didn’t like.

There’s your answer.

OneBlossomBee · 10/07/2025 17:09

YANBU after reading all the background. He has children with 4 women and you were never invited to any baby shower or birthday party where you could have met them formally. It soumds like your BIL is immature and irresponsible and put out you refuse to be part of his drama. Has your husband met all of them? I expect he despairs of his brother and his numerous dramas with 4 women mothers to his children. I wouldn't let my children meet at a house of any of his kids as you have not met the women, seen the house etc. It would be odd and a worry to be excluded in this way when it involves your twins. Any replies trying to say you are weird or as bad as BIL are illogical. He started the hostility and hasn't even invited you to anything like birthday parties. Is he younger than your DH? I wonder if, seeing as you and DH have been together since your teens, he has pathetic resentment against you and sees you as the female who monopolized his big bro and he can't grow up out of that! I'd let it all go and your husband can visit him, but no way would my twins be taken hpurs away to meet people you've never met and you be banned!

Original poster
bunny2023 · 10/07/2025 17:47

@OneBlossomBee
Hi
Thank you, you have nailed down everything.

Yes there is a 2.5 age gap between them and DH is the oldest.

He has been hostile towards me for years, he never used to be.
Used to spend New Years, birthdays etc together.

I think he hates the fact that DH can’t just stop everything and meet him when he calls because now he has children and responsibilities.

He often complains that he dosent see DH enough despite DH working 6 days a week.

Because BIL comes and goes as he pleases in and out of his DC lives he expects DH should do that, he really is a selfish man.

I have never said nothing bad about him but yet he calls me out constantly behind my back DH tells me.
I have always welcomed him to see DC but he makes a massive issue of not being able to bring the multiple mothers round.

BIL lies a lot to these women and is sleeping with at least 2 of them according to DH without the other knowing, it really is drama and head ache I don’t want to be involved in.

The women already try and press DH for info but he isn’t interested and feels the same way I do but hasn’t got the guts to tell his brother.

I will tell DH to just get on with it but not to complain to me again about his brother not seeing the kids.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 11/07/2025 01:30

@bunny2023

I will tell DH to just get on with it but not to complain to me again about his brother not seeing the kids.

I agree with this.

.......but yet he calls me out constantly behind my back DH tells me.

I'd tell DH that I have no interest in what his brother says about me and to keep it to himself, I don't want to hear it.

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