Boyfriends brother and family haven’t visited 3 1/2 month new baby AIBU

[AIBUmum2]

Hi everyone,
I just don’t know if I’m being unreasonable or not.

So basically my boyfriend’s brother and his girlfriend had a baby girl in March and I myself was due with my daughter at the end of the same month. They had their little girl on the 1st March and due to me and my partner being ill, we didn’t visit their little girl for two weeks. We travelled 24 miles with a newly potty trained girl to visit baby with a gift (outfit and little bits for baby that always come in handy for colic etc having been a mum already). Bear in mind I was heavily pregnant and due to have my baby within two weeks and also visited again a week before my due date and seen baby all excited knowing our babies would be so close in age in which they were too.
So I had my little girl on the 1st April after having complications was put to sleep minutes after c section was performed, so not exactly the best experience or recovery. So we get home everyone comes to visit in my family, boyfriends mum visits baby and his brother calls in to see baby for no more than 5-10 minutes and gets off after 3 weeks and then bids on a bike on eBay nearer to us and the boyfriend picks it up and he calls in again the week after and sees baby again for 5-10 minutes. So yeah he’s seen baby baring in mind I said ‘you need to bring the girlfriend and baby to meet baby’ to which he said I will.
So my baby is now a month old…they move house and again the brothers girlfriend is ordering off eBay (several things mirrors etc) nearer to us and my partner pays for it cash and drops it off at their house 24 miles away after being asked due to van etc. (baring in mind my partner has been going to see their baby and helping with the house move whilst I’m at home with new baby). The girlfriend is posting on days out walking, pub garden and his brother is painting his house and bleaching house (ocd) but still they haven’t been down to see my new baby.
I then receive a text asking me to save the date for their little girls christening, to which he has been told several times off my partner that I am taking it personal that they haven’t brought the girlfriend and baby to meet our baby. I message him to say I feel like I’ve done something wrong and he says no we are coming down they have just been busy but I had to be there as he wants us to be godparents! so I waited in but they didn’t turn up.

my baby turned three months and I said to my partner I can’t be godparent to their baby if they can’t be bothered to come and meet my baby, it’s a respect sort of thing. I don’t want a present just want to feel like my new baby matters.

My daughter is now 3 1/2 months old and they still haven’t been down so I have told my partner I won’t be attending the christening as they can’t respect me to come and see my baby like I did when it’s their baby.

Me and my partner have since been arguing and I have removed his brother and girlfriend from social media as their excuses are they have been busy (despite knowing that I know they have been going on days out etc so have to get in a car to go to them places but can’t come and visit) I have declined to be godparent. My partner is now saying what they have done isn’t disrespectful and me declining to be godparent is disrespectful more to them!?

AIBU for declining to be godparent???
AIBU for being upset/hurt for them not visiting my new baby and reciprocating the respect and happiness I showed him, his girlfriend and their new baby???
Am I being disrespectful by declining to be their daughter’s godparent? Or are they being disrespectful to me?

Also, my partner is still attending the christening to be godfather to his niece which I am fine with but is him going to stand up doing this showing them that I am in the wrong? He has said to me that I am wrong but no one else would think what they have done is bad and I am over reacting completely. But have I overreacted?

I feel like my feelings are just irrelevant and my partner isn’t really standing up for me or our new daughter and is pretty much taking their side.

Would just want to know if I am being crazy as a new mum or would other new mums also feel the same?

Thanks

I’m going to assume this and say that his brother isn’t a baby person and only cares about his own. He isn’t too bothered about his brothers baby. His girlfriend doesn’t see you as a priority or your baby which is why she hasn’t made the effort to see you. His girlfriend has the time to visit others, or go out and about but doesn’t see you or baby as a priority.

How old are you all if you don’t mind me asking

Yeah they are both very much about themselves and not really their own baby either. No his brother is the type of person who says on social media that he will be down with a birthday present for my daughter but you don’t see him at all.
His girlfriend would stay in the bedroom with their baby every time my partner would have a ride up to see their baby so out of 20 visits he made, he maybe only seen her 5 times. His brother has told my partner that his girlfriend is rage baiting online to breastfeeding mothers for them to argue with her…so seems like a lot of the time she’s busy rage baiting normal mothers posting help videos and going out etc so she mustn’t see my new baby as a priority like you said.

His girlfriend is 26 and I’m 35 and my partners brother is the same age as me where as my partner is a year older than me.

Am I wrong for feeling upset though or am I wrong to decline to be their girls godparent and not attending their christening?

What a load of drama, honestly!

Your BIL's girlfriend has recently had a baby of her own and moved house but her partner has still come to see your new baby twice and you still aren't happy. You might have travelled 24 miles to see their new baby (hardly the other sode of the country, is it?) but that doesn't mean she is obligated to do the same. Perhaps she has a touch of PND or doesn't want to be visiting others just yet, with everything else that she has going on. Do you usually get in well with her, pre-babies?

If you don;t want to be godparent or attend the christening then that is up to you however I think it is all a bit over the top.

@AIBUmum2 The way I read your OP, the brother HAS seen your baby twice in the 3.5 months though, or is that wrong? If so, it didn’t matter what the purpose of the visit was, the fact is he has seen your baby twice I. 3 months, which most people would think fine. Given this, I’d say they are currently really perplexed about what the issue is.

Also, what has her online activities got to do with anything, seems irrelevant and not connected?

This all sounds like hard work :(
you can’t force her to see your baby. You’re well within your right to decline godparent duty.
But I wouldn’t give it much headspace.

To be quite Frank you are being completely ridiculous and a massive drama queen. Grow up and realise other people have things going on in their lives z you aren't everybody's priority

People have different values and different priorities with their time. It doesn’t always have to be personal, and it sounds like they have tried to reassure you that it’s not personal but yet you have taken offence and created drama anyway by publicly deleting them off social media and declining godparent duties which seems like they were trying to include you but yet that still isn’t enough for you? YABU.

Pre babies we got on really well and she kept saying to me we can take them on holidays and keep them really close as it’s only my partner and his brother left out of their whole family.
We was visiting them all the way through their pregnancy and my own baring in mind the girls are 4 weeks difference in age. They was visiting here before they had baby and ringing for help with bits with baby which we helped with little bits we did with our older girl that they could try etc, but then the minute I had my baby that was it.

My BIL is quick to pull anyone when his girlfriend was upset with anything my partner said such as ‘look how big you have got now and not long to go now’ he was pulled straight away and said she taking it personal like your calling her fat which my partner apologised and said he was complementing her baby bump and I said just be mindful it’s not nice being told your big all the time.

So basically it’s not disrespectful to not visit a new baby…maybe I’ve been brought up very different as my family see it as a snub 🤦🏼‍♀️

This!! Your BIL has come to see the baby twice. That’s more than enough. His girlfriend has a new baby of her own and a lot going on. You really don’t need to be taking this mortal offence and creating a family feud about it. There’s plenty of time for them to get to know your baby- she’s only 3 months old!

You don't sound like godparent material, so best decline, I think.

It’s not compulsory to visit new babies. Too much drama. 🙄

So the actual relative of your baby has visited twice.

Id go out on a limb here and say her social media posts of happy smiley days might not be all what they seem since you also state she hides away in their bedroom when your dh drops things off most of the time.

Their baby is 4 months old maybe she’s got post partum depression.

or while the idea of these big family holiday were a nice idea in her head the real life situation of having a baby is much more difficult than she expected.

Not being god mother is well upto you but it seems a stupid reason just because the mother hasn’t personally visited you.

Have you actually specifically invited them? As in “would you like to come for lunch on Saturday at 1pm?”

This all seem unnecessarily dramatic.

You are being a bit ridiculous. The babies aren’t going to be playing together for months so the gf “seeing” your baby is neither here nor there. They’ve moved house and have their own new baby which is quite an upheaval. You both sound a bit precious tbh.

It's never a good idea to take up the role of Godmother if you don't live by Christian principles.

Massive amount of drama over nothing. Don't go to the christening if you don't want to but no, they've not done anything that is at all meaningful or disrespectful.

There aren't rules about a minimum number of times to visit a baby or a maximum amount of time before it becomes rude not to have done except in your own head.

Honestly I would gently say that you've over reacted. They've had a baby and moved house.

I think it's a bit silly after a few months to effectively cut them out. And they may not have come to see you but I think asking you to be a God parents implies that they do think you're important.

Honestly i think you've focused too much on perceived snubs when it's just people trying to get on with their lives when they have a lot on. She's not intentionally set out to offend you.

Have you actually specifically invited them? As in “would you like to come for lunch on Saturday at 1pm?”

That's what I was planning to post. You can't just wait for people to invite themselves, or to respond to nebulous 'come round any time' invitations. You need to make it clear that you'd like to see them, and offer a day and time to do so.

All this"they disrespected me and I can't show them respect if they disrespect me first and I've blocked them on socials and dropped out of the Christening and I'm saying this to them and they're saying this to me blah blah".... I'm STUNNED you are 35, I honestly was expecting you to say 17 or 18. She might have PND. She might be feeling emotional. Or not coping. She might be coping fine and just have other priorities. She might get car sick. She might just not do family as much as her other half, who HAS already met the baby. She might not actually like you. There's a boat load of reasons why she might not have been to visit, and some might be reasonable, and some might be unreasonable. Don't act like a diva and start cancelling this and doing that, it's just childish and you're making yourself look like a right drama queen.

If you want your babies to grow up as friends you've got to let stuff like this go, and oblige with positive steps to getting on. Your whole post is about why you aren't the centre of her universe and you write like you expect to be. Stop being Vicky Pollard with all the he-said-she-said mallarkey, and start acting like an adult.

Why don't YOU phone HER and suggest a day out with both your babies? Why don't you INVITE her round to yours, just the two of you with your babies when the men aren't around? Instead of cancelling being Godparents, blocking people and acting like a stroppy teen why don't you actively do something to encourage the relationship?

Are you friends with the girlfriend? Why haven’t you been to see them?

it all sounds very drama-full.

either you’re friends or you’re not. Just because you have a baby the same age - baby’s don’t even interact at this age. Maybe when they got older cousin relationships become more important. But not at 3 months.

seriously saying you travelled 24 miles whilst pregnant and with a toddler is totally irrelevant.

Well they have moved house with a new baby. Different people cope differently. I would give it some time. No need to blow up the family for this just yet.

The babys uncle has seen them. A few times.
The girlfriend is literally just that, she is not related to your baby.
She has a lot on her plate. Stop taking it so personally and seeing it as an attack on you. A new mum who has reven moved house is highly likely to be struggling, regardless of what's on social media.

They've had 2 major life changing and busy events. You're massively over reacting.

YABVU. If you don’t want to be godparent, decline, but YABU to expect a first-time mother to do anything within the first few months of giving birth.

Who was put to sleep?

She has a new baby and has just moved house, she may have a lot on her plate. You might see nice photos online of all the great things she’s doing but shouldn’t we know by now some people have very different lives to what they want us to see online. She may be struggling, post natal depression, just busy in general you don’t know, I’d personally give a new mum a bit of a break in these circumstances.