For asking boyfriend to stick out job for just a few more months

[Gemini1992]

I'm keen to get people's opinion's as I honestly don't know if I am being unreasonable.

My boyfriend and I have a goal to purchase a house. It is very important to me in particular as I spent my childhood constantly moving and my parents were very financially irresponsible so now in my early 30's I want some stability in my life. Although I earn a decent salary I have been renting for the past 14 years so have never had the opportunity to have a decent savings pot which is essential for purchasing a house. Last year my boyfriend decided to take a job in an industry he had worked in previously but was tired of but the job came with accommodation which means we would have no rent.

We have been saving every penny since and have good savings and made plenty sacrifices, we don't go out, buy clothes, no holidays but I am ok with this as I feel it will be worth it when we have our forever home.

He has expressed annoyance with the job pretty much since he started as it is physically demanding. I had said to him previously if it gets too much he can leave. We would need to rent again but I have been in jobs before where it was horrible and I couldn't ask that of him.

However it has all kicked off the last week or so. We have gone sale agreed on a property and going through final checks with the bank, confirmation of employment etc. and the house won't be ready until September/October. Great news!

My boyfriend then told me the next day he is tired of his boss and the long hours and things are not going good and he thinks he might get the sack or is considering resigning. I asked him if he could please stick it out for another few months. If he loses his job this will fall though, we will need to find somewhere to rent, probably eat into savings and wait another 6 months before even applying for a mortgage again. I'm so disappointed as I feel we are so close it would be awful to lose out on it now.

We are arguing every day and he said I am nagging him as I have to ask him for documents as I am dealing with the broker, bank, solicitor all on my own and have to ask him for these things. Yesterday I said will I just pull out of the offer because this is not working but he said he still wants to go ahead with it.

Do you think AIBU for asking him to stick out this job for another couple of months? I have moved 4 times in the past 5 years and over 20 times in my life. The thought of short term renting again is making me feel sick.

Im really sorry, but it sounds like he doesn't want to buy a house with you. And to be honest, this is treating you pretty horribly - if he actually loved you then why on earth would he put you through this kind of stress? Would you do this to someone you loved? If he doesn't want to buy a house with you he needs to be upfront so you can decide what you want to do.
Its not about the job, so dont let him blame this on all about how the job is affecting him, because if he was a decent person he would be saying 'my job is really bothering me so im job hunting to find something different so I can go from one to another but I dont want it to affect us getting a mortgage and the house going through, so let's talk about logistics here' and he certainly wouldn't be dragging his feet on paperwork, thats just being harsh to you for no reason! I have some sympathy for him as I was previously in a job where I was burnt out, but I would be trying to minimise the impact on my partner and looking for a new job to jump straight into!

His actions don’t match his words. He can’t ask you to sacrifice (which you have) and organize the mortgage and slso quit the job.

I would pull vack out of the house deal, split the savings, snd break up with him. He doesn’t want to be a reliable partner. It would not be prudent to get more financially tied to someone this unreliable.

I was thinking this too and asked him straight out if he wants to continue the purchase or leave end and asked if he wanted to end the relationship too. I am pretty direct as I spent years in relationships/situationships with men stringing me along and now despite confronting it head on it feels like it is happening again.

Overall the other aspects of the relationship is quite good. I had horrendous dating experience before meeting him and I can't bring myself to go through that again.

He will explode like a bobble of pop if you keep forcing your wants onto him. You can’t sacrifice every single thing for your want of a house.

Buying a house right now (or at all with him) sounds like a bad plan. What will you do when you own a house and he jacks his job in and leaves you paying the full mortgage? Will you be able to afford that? Getting repossessed and ending up with adverse credit is much worse than renting for a bit longer until everything's more stable or you can afford to buy by yourself.

She is the one putting him through stress with the strain and responsibility of working a job he isn’t happy in so she can profit off the free rent.

Selfish. Selfish. Selfish.

I disagree, he's a big boy. If he doesn't want to do this, if he doesn't share the same goals as op, if he feels like it's not the right time, then he uses his big boy words and he tells her and either they navigate a compromise or the relationship ends. What he does not get to do, is pretend he's on board, watch op make sacrifices and then sabotage them both at the last minute and snap at op for trying to continue on the agreed plan.

I think op there are alarm bells ringing here. I've had jobs that have been utterly horrendous before that really affected my mental wellbeing. I still stuck it out until I had another job to go to because that's what you do when you're responsible. He knows he is in a crucial time with the house, if he was on board he'd be doing everything possible to maintain his job until the house was secured.

Has he been actively looking for other jobs? If not then I think he's massively irresponsible and I'd actually question whether you are subconsciously 'parenting' a man child because you're so used to having to be the responsible one. The fact he's accusing you of nagging when this is important to me says he is having major cold feet but rather than communicate it, he's putting it back on you which is really unfair.

I personally wouldn't be purchasing a house with him. I would be inclined to pull out and instead, do some research into Co ownership to see if you have the means to buy by yourself. That way its you're home and noone is going to let you down. Maybe arrange a call with a co-ownership advisor to see what you're options are. There are plenty of men out there who are driven and responsible, he shapes up or he ships out. Your 30s are not the time to be with someone who's maybe in. You need all in.

‘Overall the other aspects of the relationship are quite good’. Now read that to yourself again out loud. Why would settle for ‘quite good’?!? Do you think that you will have a future with this man?

He's the one who's gone for this job. He's the one performing badly enough he might get the sack. He's the one who's been going to house viewings. He's the one who's gone through all the work to get to the point of being sale agreed.

Plus, when you take on a job that puts a roof over not only your head but your partners head, you generally need to be prepared to make that work as much as possible so you don't leave yourself AND your partner homeless.

Is op not working too? Is she not also making sacrifices? Did he not have the opportunity to speak up at any point or look for a better job elsewhere when op literally told him that he could instead of waiting until the most crucial point?

Sounds like you're just here to stir the pot to be honest.

I earn twice as much as him and would be putting twice as much savings down as him so he is making the profit if anything

How on earth have you missed the fact that the concern is that they are in the middle of getting a mortgage and buying a house? From the OP:
'I had said to him previously if it gets too much he can leave. We would need to rent again but I have been in jobs before where it was horrible and I couldn't ask that of him.'
Did you even read the post?

Yes if he had left months ago I would have been able to deal with it. It's the fact we are so so close is what is making me so stressed.

Based on your first post, the only answer seems to be to have a really honest, non-confortational conversation between the two of you and find out what's going on. But based on this follow up it seems that you've tried to do that. He's specifically said that he wants to continue the process of buying the house - and so, I guess, he also wants to continue the relationship? But has he explained HOW he squares this with leaving or losing his job? What is the plan in his head if he does go ahead and quit, or if he's fired? And how does he expect you to continue doing all of the admin work related to the sale when he lashes out at you when you ask him for the needed paperwork? I'm still not getting a clear sense of what happens when you ask him what's going on; is he just refusing to answer beyond saying he wants to continue with the house purchase?

He's obviously under a lot of stress, but it seems like he's just not communicating. Is that a new problem?

How bad is the job? We've all had jobs we don't like or that aren't great, and it seems crazy to get so close and chuck it all away for the sake of getting his head down for a few more months... assuming he does want to buy this house with you of course.

On the flip side, if it's that bad that he's genuinely willing to throw it all away this late in the game, maybe you should listen to him and help get him out of there.

It all comes down to whether you believe him when he tells you how bad it is, or whether you think he just can't be bothered.

If he really wanted this house he would suck up a few extra months of a hard job, or as a pp says he’d be looking for other solutions that wouldn’t blow up the house purchase.

There are two explanations here 1) he isn’t sure he wants the house, or perhaps the commitment to the relationship

2) he’s actually already been sacked or has reason to think this is imminent

I think you need to ask him more questions about what is going on in his head.

Yes he says he wants to buy a house as fast as we can. But I feel like I have to be condescending to tell him we need to do xyz etc. on paperwork. We had an argument then because I said the engineers report will add on a few weeks and he said let's not bother with it. I said no because that would be madness. I said I'm not pulling this out of nowhere it is the process everyone has to go through. I do feel like I'm nagging him but we are not going to get anywhere otherwise.

I consider myself a practical person, if I want something I will take the steps to get it done. But he can't seem to put things into action. For example before he said he wanted to find a new job. I said have you a CV and he said no and didn't bother to do it! I have to admit I find it very frustrating.

I think it would be really irresponsible and foolish to quit your job in the months before a house sale but then this makes me wonder why he doesn't feel this as well?

@Gemini1992 you mention the relationship as ‘quite good’. And you are putting in twice as much in savings as downpayment. I hope you plan on having a Trust Deed reflecting this. But, I’d be considering whether he is as committed as you - and whether ‘quite good’ is enough. It wouldn’t be for me! Take your share of the savings and look to get your own haven, without him.

I wouldn’t buy a property with someone who isn’t committed to the purchase. He doesn’t sound like he is… quitting a job as the purchase is going through and dragging his feet with the paperwork etc
Can you afford to buy on your own? I’d rather have a little 1-2 bed place that’s all mine than a bigger place with an unwilling partner.
The costs of pulling out might seem high, but they’re nothing compared to costs if you end up splitting and having to sell etc

He needs to find another job before he resigns.

Tell him to hold out another month or so, look for a new job in Sept, with recruitment time and notice you'll be in September before you know it.

Surely he can stick it out until he finds a new job? IMO, as you are buying a house to quit without a job to go to is irresponsible and shows no commitment to your relationship or shared vision of buying a house.
If he is not prepared to find a new job (CV and effort included), it strikes me he is not a partner I would consider as 'good', in fact I would consider quite lazy.
I have done some horrid jobs before, but it paid the bills...

My first thoughts are that "thinks he might get the sack" is him trying to prepare you that he knows he is on track to be fired. Unless he's an overly anxious person, people don't generally think they might be fired for no reason. So sticking it out a few months might not actually be an option.

It's up to you to figure out if it's genuinely an unmanageable situation for him, or if he just hasn't tried hard enough to power through challenges. And if that changes how you feel about committing to this purchase with him. If he knows he's at risk of firing and hasn't bothered with a CV, I would be worried it might be more of the second option, but I don't think we can decide that in a Mumsnet post...

I think your desire for a house of your own and your fear of going back to renting is clouding your judgement. To me, as an outsider, it looks like you are papering over the cracks of an unsatisfactory relationship because you have acquired tunnel vision about becoming a homeowner.

Do not lock yourself into a mortgage with this man.

Look at it dispassionately, OP. He is not going to give you the stability you crave. He already isn't, is he?