To think that its ok to want to leave

[Lemonspoon123]

Sorry. This is long. Been married for 20 years, 2 teens. Early 50s. Its been an up and down marriage and swings between DH adoring me and being angry with me. Lots of pressure around sex, which I have to admit has made me want it less. Its been like this for a while. Now I am in menopause and struggling with gynae problems and had a very invasive procedure recently, it feels particularly uncomfortable.
We’ll get through a few weeks after me “putting out” until DH is miserable again and bringing me up on the fact that its not enough. It’s like walking on egg shells most of the time
DH is a heavy drinker, he struggles with anxiety and anger issues. My teenage daughter has had the brunt of this over the years. Never physical, but he’s always been very hard on her for displaying pretty normal teenage behaviours. My son on the other hand is treated like the messiah ( tbf he has been a much easier child)
DH has an amazing “brand” in his senior job, he is known for being empathetic and kind. We get this side of him at home if we “behave” otherwise life at home is tough, constantly trying to keep him happy, one little “off” comment making him cross or play the victim. He’ll sulk for days.
We have no friends nearby, most have moved away so we spend alot of time together as a couple and as a family. That said, I have alot of close friends and catch up with them when I can. DH and I have lots of common interests, but I am finding myself dreading it as the weekends come around. Kids are away this weekend and feeling particularly anxious about spending time witb him. Especially as we had words last night and he’ll be sulking.
As I write this down, I realise that this isnt how I want to live my life for the next 20 years. But conscious of the kids going through GCSEs and Alevels next year. We live in an expensive city and we’d need to sell the house and move out. So much disruption for everyone. Would love some mumsnet perspective on if this is normal marriage stuff and i should deal with it at least until both kids have left home?

To add. I have a good job and financial independent

Yes it’s ok to want to leave. Always key to listen and to understand how you feel.
if you are financially independent then you sound like the disruption of moving house within the same city is what is stopping you. You could maybe tally up any reasons you’d want to stay and see how you feel. Maybe view some houses that you could afford on your own and see how you feel.

Also doing exams and leaving home are two different amounts of time so have a think about what you are really thinking about with timeframe.

I’m afraid you should have left years ago once he started abusing your daughter. This is a vile man. Ducks in a row, leave.

Your poor daughter.

Please leave, for her sake and yours.

Thanks for the responses. Appreciated @Motherfluffers great advice thank you x

I forgot to highlight the sexist behaviour towards your daughter that other posters have correctly flagged up. That’s another pros and cons list to think about in your role of parent to both children.

Disruption of GCSES or A level study due to a local house move and divorce but some protection from father’s behaviour
or
a long standing pattern of being aggressed whenever the dad you live with 24/7 has had too much to drink. (And your brother gets a free pass for same issues because he’s a young man.)

I agree with other posters, your poor DD. And I feel for your son's future partners if he's used to being treated like a Messiah too.

From experience. being in a relationship with someone who has been the ‘beneficiary’ of sexism in their family of origin causes a lot of issues.

Your poor daughter. None of that is normal in a marriage at all, his sexual behaviour towards you is really serious, he knows you are not consenting and he does it anyway, it’s rape. As for how he treats your daughter, you need to protect her from this life.

If your daughter (in the future) was in your shoes with her husband, what would you want her to do?

The pressuring for sex - you saying how he treats your daughter - hands down leave asap. Besides if you wait for GCSEs that child will then have their next stage of education.
rent nearby
it sounds a bit like he doesn’t have respect for females?

Based on your second post.
Absolutely leave this bastard. You will actually enjoy your own life and your own body.
Me and husband, married for 20 years, no kids, separate assets 😁
Any pressure to whatsoever, I walk. Back to my country, where quality of life is incomparably better than here. Husband is aware of this, therefore he doesn't try this shit on.

Don't know how to edit, so add - your daughter, exactly what others said. That used to be my "father", drunken, emotionally abusive pig.
Walk away!

He's a bully. He's bullying you into sex and bullying his daughter. He doesn't like women and I wouldn't hesitate to leave.

Your daughter will probably do better in her exams if she's not living with him.

My dad was (is) very like this, drinking definitely made it worse in his case. My mum is still with him, they are in their 70s and she will never leave now I think. She deserves more from life and so do you.

You don't have to leave immediately if that doesn't work for you, but no, you aren't wrong to want to. I used to wish my parents would split as a teenager, I can understand taking into account disruption around exam times, but living on eggshells is no real life.

Sounds similar to my life and it’s horrible. I’m trying to make a plan to leave and face up to the inevitable confrontation when I tell him, I’ve spent the last 21 years placating him so to say I’m leaving is hard.
My plan is to leave him in the family home and rent elsewhere with DC, with a view to him finishing work on house and selling when possible. I earn ok money but rents are very high here. I’ve done the UC calculator and the value of our house isn’t included while it’s unsold and he’s living in it and I am eligible for almost 1k so this is how I will be able to afford the rent.

Good luck, I hope you are able to make a peaceful and enjoyable life for yourself going forward.

I don't know. I would be inclined to wait for everyone to do their exams. If you've got one completing GCSEs and the other doing Alevels. But, the thing is, there will always be the next important thing that you don't want to disrupt. Are you ready to leave, procrastinating because you are scared of the future/ unknown or just waiting for the right time? You need a plan and then to follow through on the plan.

It could well be that getting her poor dd away from a bully in her own home, will be a load off her mind. The op will know.

Things would probably improve dramatically if he stopped drinking. Alcoholics are renowned for their Jekyll and Hyde behaviour.

Op, even without all of that, you can leave for whatever reason you like or for no concrete reason at all, just that it isn't right. You don't have to justify your decision. Leave now and live the life you want to. It sounds like your kids can only benefit from this.

Wow. Some serious food for thought here. Not making excuses, but Worth adding he is not an aggressive drunk and is never physical, but I do think this adds to his anxiety. Another point: he has serious mummy issues, my MIL was cruel to him as a child and is a narcissist. She is a whole different story!

@okydokethen I am so sorry you’re going through this. It is awful and sending you strength 💐

Given his 'character', make as many plans and get what you need sorted up front as he sounds like he would be something of a nightmare once he knows you're planning to leave.

@Y2ker thanks - I think I needed to hear that. Tying myself in knots over whether my feelings are valid or not. Point is, I walk on eggshells and I am not happy.
I think I’m scared about if the kids will forgive me. Also, because he has an amazing “brand” if people will ostracise me for leaving.