To think that its ok to want to leave

[Lemonspoon123]

Sorry. This is long. Been married for 20 years, 2 teens. Early 50s. Its been an up and down marriage and swings between DH adoring me and being angry with me. Lots of pressure around sex, which I have to admit has made me want it less. Its been like this for a while. Now I am in menopause and struggling with gynae problems and had a very invasive procedure recently, it feels particularly uncomfortable.
We’ll get through a few weeks after me “putting out” until DH is miserable again and bringing me up on the fact that its not enough. It’s like walking on egg shells most of the time
DH is a heavy drinker, he struggles with anxiety and anger issues. My teenage daughter has had the brunt of this over the years. Never physical, but he’s always been very hard on her for displaying pretty normal teenage behaviours. My son on the other hand is treated like the messiah ( tbf he has been a much easier child)
DH has an amazing “brand” in his senior job, he is known for being empathetic and kind. We get this side of him at home if we “behave” otherwise life at home is tough, constantly trying to keep him happy, one little “off” comment making him cross or play the victim. He’ll sulk for days.
We have no friends nearby, most have moved away so we spend alot of time together as a couple and as a family. That said, I have alot of close friends and catch up with them when I can. DH and I have lots of common interests, but I am finding myself dreading it as the weekends come around. Kids are away this weekend and feeling particularly anxious about spending time witb him. Especially as we had words last night and he’ll be sulking.
As I write this down, I realise that this isnt how I want to live my life for the next 20 years. But conscious of the kids going through GCSEs and Alevels next year. We live in an expensive city and we’d need to sell the house and move out. So much disruption for everyone. Would love some mumsnet perspective on if this is normal marriage stuff and i should deal with it at least until both kids have left home?

I think leave. Can you live where they can get to school? If next year is A level and GCSE year you want to do it asap. Alternatively you plan everything and move next June/July.

Then you - he - seeks counselling to break the cycle, not treat your own wife and daughter the way you were. That is a bully.

You don’t know alcoholics then. They’re just as bad sober until they deal with their issues.

OP, leave. Rent nearby so the kids can do their exams at the same schools. It’s not really that disruptive. All you’re doing is moving their stuff from one property to another AND moving them into a calmer, more peaceful home. Do it!

You don’t know alcoholics then.

I’m married to one in recovery. 🤷‍♀️

It’s the other way round. Your kids - daughter especially - will thank you for leaving. Maybe not initially, but once she’s matured. As it stands you run the risk of your dd going no contact once she is allowed to leave home, her father abused her and mother enabled it.

Your feelings are absolutely valid. I am the same age as you, been married for a similar amount of time with kids a similar age.

What you describe is categorically NOT normal marriage stuff.

He is abusive. To you and to your daughter.

What a horrible situation you have to be in - unfortunately given the horrific way he treats you and your daughter you dont have a choice - your daughter may be upset now, but she may be much more upset at you in years to come as she may see it as you failing to protect her. This kind of behaviour from a father can do such long lasting damage and teenage years are so important, please leave him so he doesn't ruin any more of hers. Its also important to point out that just because he treats your son well, doesn't mean that it is a good thing for your son long term, to be held up as a God over the women in the family. The damage this could do to him cannot be overlooked. You have to protect your son from learning that this is how a man should behave to women. The short term upset is a sacrifice you have to make to give either of your kids a chance in the long run. If you are struggling to do it for yourself, do it for them.

If people 'don't understand' why you left such a lovely man you just smile sweetly and suggest as there is a vacancy they might like to live with him. 🤗

So he’s an alcoholic, has anger issues, sexual blackmails you, sulks for days.

This isn’t a happy home and believe me the sooner you leave the better for your children. In the future they will tell you that they wish you left years ago.

They may well think he's marvellous but they aren't married to him. They don't have to put up with his shit. People who care about you will support you. You will lose some friends along the way but they weren't your friends anyway. Besides it's good to have a cull occasionally. Sort the wheat from the chaff

Believe me those children know, see, hear and feel more than you think.

They are also living in the toxic on edge household with you.

Why would the kids want to carry on living like this, especially dd? They are old enough to know how unhealthy this relationship is. Leave. Yes it will be messy for a bit but you will soon be out the other side and you and dd will have your freedom.

It’s complicated with my DD. As she says herself, “he was an amazing dad until i was 12”

She is a strong, beautiful, intelligent and amazing young woman, but he is hard on her when she reacts to his emotional BS. He tells her she’s like her Gran ( his mum) On the other hand, he makes her breakfast every morning, picks her up at midnight from parties and makes/takes her a sandwich to work in case shes hungry. He’s the same with me, sometimes so thoughtful. This is why its so confusing for me as its not all bad. One thing i do know is that he is sn emotional blackmailer. Maybe that is enough…

He tells his dd she’s like his mum who was cruel and narcissistic?!?

that is fucking awful.

no op, making sandwiches does not make up for emotional abuse

Oh man. Think what this poor girl is learning about relationships 💔

So he was a good dad to her until she got a mind of her own and started being confident to speak up about his bad behaviour?

He doesn’t like being held accountable for his shitty behaviour and actions.

I think as long as you make a clear and decisive decision and don't flip flop, its fine to leave, but do it sooner rather than later to maximise settling time before exams.

And my advice is not to tell anyone any details of why you are separating, probably even your husband and definitely not your kids. Something vague like "it's been a wonderful 20 years but that chapter of our lives is closing". Followed by "it's private".

Your daughter can never know you split "because" of her, because that's how she will feel.

Fwiw, my parents split just before i became a teen and I don't remember thinking much of it after it was decided who was living where. In some ways it was good that it happened at a busy time in my life because I was more focused on other life changes. I reflected far more on it as I had my own children about what sort of people they were in their relationship and parenting roles. Like did dad do his share of chores and childcare compared to my partner? Was mum happier before or after divorce and based on what i saw, would I have been happy knowing the parent and partner that I am?

Don't overthink the exam stuff when it's a year away. If you initiate the split this weekend, everyone should hopefully have accepted the change and adjusted to a new normal long before the end of the year. But the longer you leave it the longer the timeline. There will always be a rationale to stay because its easier than unending your life. But think long and hard and be sure (it obv isn't a decision to rush- the weekend was just an example timeline)

It’s more than ok to want to leave. Not just for yourself but for your children. His behaviour is very poor and, it seems, the way you’re living is not a happy life and worth hanging on until the right time for. There is never a right time to leave- exams, life changes etc and maybe there is more damage to be done by waiting for the perceived right time?

DH is a heavy drinker, he struggles with anxiety and anger issues. My teenage daughter has had the brunt of this over the years

He’s always been very hard on her for displaying pretty normal teenage behaviours. My son on the other hand is treated like the messiah

DH has an amazing “brand” in his senior job, he is known for being empathetic and kind. We get this side of him at home if we “behave” otherwise life at home is tough

These statements have horrified me @Lemonspoon123.

You must leave. Save your poor, poor daughter. And if it makes you feel in control, make sure everyone knows you’re leaving him after he’s abused you all for years. You shape the narrative before he does.

Your poor daughter. You have failed her.

@DaisyChain505 that is spot on.

is he displaying narcissistic traits too? I have spent years trying to identify his behaviours.

Even this whole thread is about him, his wants and needs and his destruction of his family. What do you want op? You say you have a good job and are financially independent you’re clearly intelligent enough not to be someone’s lap dog.

Putting aside the coercion and the abuse of your daughter, walking on eggshells in my own home would make me agitated and angry, why aren’t you angry op? You sound so passive. I would be telling him to fuck off with his sulking and his sexual bullying. Have you never done that? Ugh. I just couldn’t be with a prima donna peacock type. Ick central.

Oh don’t worry. I hold my own. I told to fuck off only this morning for being a twat ( he’s already told me he’s forgiven me - wtf?!) but yes I am exhausted, hence coming across as passive.