AIBU to be torn between continuing IVF or accepting a child-free life

[Sixthy]

DH and I have been TTC for several years. We’ve had 2 failed IVF cycles and have been told we’ll likely need several more to have a chance. We’re in our 30s, but I have low AMH and endo, so the odds aren’t great.

During IVF I feel hormonal, stressed and unwell. Afterwards I’m left with weight gain, acne, and not feeling like myself. We can afford more cycles, but it still doesn’t feel great spending tens of thousands with no guarantees.

What makes me question it is that, aside from infertility, our life is genuinely happy. We have a great marriage, successful careers, and the freedom to travel and enjoy life. Sometimes I wonder if we should just accept this isn’t meant to be, get a dog, and start living again.

But I’m so scared we’d regret it. We’ve always pictured a future with children. My fear is being surrounded by friends and family with kids and us feeling left behind and isolated, wishing we tried harder.

AIBU to be having doubts? Does thinking like this mean I don’t want a baby enough? I’d really love to hear from anyone who’s been in a similar place.

I would NO WAY get a dog as a consolation prize

A child free / child less life can be happy and fulfilling

HOWEVER - as you’ve otherwise got a good life and in a strong position - I’d give the IVF another go - good luck 🤞

No one can answer this for you. I persevered, had the kids and have the life I want. I can now, however, look back and think if it hadn’t happened it would have been ok too.

Only you can know how much you will regret not continuing.

What a difficult situation to find yourself in. Friends who’ve been in similar situations have either taken a break until they know what’s right for them or given themselves a deadline, eg two more rounds then that’s it (for example).

I am about to start IVF, late 30s, severe endo and other gynae delights, and can imagine myself having the same quandary if our NHS rounds aren’t successful (I think two rounds).

I hope you get helpful advice here.

No advice - it’s a tough place to be and I have no personal experience - but a close friend took a 12-month break when she was going through similar. She’d had 3 failed rounds of IVF and felt quite broken by it and wanted to feel ‘herself’ again physically and enjoy life without the pressure for a while.

She did happily conceive her only child on her fourth go at IVF after the ‘break’.

But I also know a couple of people through work who decided to stop after 2/3 unsuccessful IVFs. One couple adopted, the other are child free and seem to have some acceptance and be living a great life, although I’m sure there are bittersweet moments like with any major life decision.

Best wishes whatever you decide .

I’d go one more round, I’m not even sure why. In my head I think 3 rounds is already a hell of a good try, I agree counselling may help

I guess you have to draw the line somewhere and make a conscious decision that you're going to stop.

IVF and the desire to have a baby can be all consuming if you let it. I know someone who spent £150,000 on years of IVF without success. She couldn't enjoy or acknowledge any event/holiday without a comment about how 'she should be celebrating this with a child', or 'I can't enjoy Christmas without a child' and so on. She ended up dropping friends who had children. When a mutual friend of ours got pregnant for the 3rd time she actually said her 'you're just doing this out of spite'. I also know someone who has secondary infertility and has also gone down the IVF route with no joy- regularly posts things about how she can't enjoy sharing her exiting child's Christmas or birthdays because she is hollow without another child. She's been posting stuff like this for about four years now. She is a great mum to her existing child but I really hope they never see her social media posts.

I'm not saying you will be like that OP- you seem really balanced and are logically and factually weighing up the pros and cons. If you do want children I can absolutely get how not having them emotionally and mentally impacts on you, but sometimes I think you can tip over into the sort of reaction that might need therapy.

I think you and your DH need to have a conversation about it. Do you do one/two/three more rounds and call it quits? Do you say no more from now? Only you and your DH can decide. A childfree life isn't an empty life, but I get how it can be a hard decision.

I would get a dog, not as a replacement but they are lovely.

But I would accept having children the traditional way was not meant to be.

you could look into adoption, fostering or surrogacy

I can't speak personally as I am still hopeful it will happen for us but I have a friend who had many rounds of IVF and it did not result in pregnancy, she made the decision to stop at a particular age wether it worked or not. She has built and is continuously building the most beautiful life full of so much love and joy and adventure, the kids in her life all adore her (which is easy, she's fab) and although I know she still has sadness around it, her life is in absolutely no way less because she doesn't have children.

Been there OP almost exactly except my DH has two children who were late teens when we gave up IVF. You would think him having children would make it easier to accept a child free life but I am human and it actually put more distance between me and them but that hasn’t really changed our life much as they are adults now.

There is a funny thing that happens when you finally accept that you are not going to be a mother, like a switch from one future reality to another. At least that’s the way it is for me. We concentrated on the things that a child free life allowed us to enjoy that having children puts restraints on… travel, finances, the kind of house we bought, the cars we buy, how we spend our free time, the ability to not have to plan everything and be spontaneous. It seems superficial to others but when you have to live a life you didn’t really plan on (ie not being a mother) then those things do take on more meaning and become central to who you are.

I think the problem comes for some women who get stuck on the unfulfilled reality of not being a mother so as long as you can see an equally fulfilling life without children you will be just as happy.

Occasionally I feel a pang of regret and this is happening a little more frequently recently. I will put my hands up and admit that I am feeling a bit envious of my SD who is embarking on her life with new fiancé and baby plans soon after. But then I see my friends who are tied down to school terms and resort holidays, I remind myself of the benefits of my own life and find the things I am grateful for.

This is such a difficult one as it's very much a personal choice, there is no right or wrong answer. Taking a break is a good shout. Stress is massive contributing factor in IVF so taking a break to get your head straight is likely to be beneficial either way. Personally, my heart told me I'd always have regrets and I kept at it.....my daughter was my 7th round of IVF and my son was a further 2 FET and 1 IVF. That was the right call for me, but for others those ££ might have been better spent invested in property or on foreign travel. You just have to be happy with your choice

I think you need to look at what you know NOW and not what ‘might’ be in the future.

What you know now: that you are happy and have the means to continue in your happy life. That the IVF process and finances make you stressed and unhappy.

Unknown scenario 1: You continue to try IVF, but are not successively, deplete your savings and the stress damages your relationship and/or means to continue living happily.

Unknown scenario 2: You stop IVF, feel unfulfilled in the future and will assume that a child would have remedied that.

Unknown scenario 3: You continue IVF, have a child – find it was worth it or not worth it.

Also to add. My DH had to have a surgical sperm extraction and I was producing very few good quality eggs. We literally went through hell each round and it nearly tore us apart. For anyone who doesn’t know the ins and outs of IVF it can literally be soul destroying. We drew a line in the sand and stuck to it. It’s so easy to keep going and going if your finances allow.

They recommend the NHS fund three rounds as that is often the number needed for success so I would do another round first.

This. If you don't feel able to put your body through the challenge of IVF, it's ok to stop and look at other options.

Ive been there. No one can really know apart from yourselves. Personally, we made the decision to have more attempts and our son was conceived on our 4th attempt. That was to be our last though as we couldnt afford any more and it’s brutal. We decided that we’d try other routes if that didn’t work. I would decide where your line is to be drawn, as having a decision about when to stop may help you know that having treatment wont be forever so you can move in another direction. I truly wish you well.

I'm guessing you've already ruled it out as you don't mention it as an option but would you consider adoption?

You would love to have a child and there are so many children who would love to have you too.

This is a stupid question but I assume you have considered fostering/adoption? I have two friends who have adopted and never looked back. Don’t believe all the horror stories- it can be absolutely wonderful ❤️

I think you need to feel like you’ve had enough of it. It sounds like you might be reaching that point, but aren’t quite there hence torn.

Have your friends all been having children or might a lot still have some? If they haven’t been having them you might feel more broody when they start to. But if they have been doing it and you’re used to the announcements you know what you’re dealing with already.

Sorry to hear of your situation. Infertility is the pits.

Don't adopt unless you know you are able to care for a deeply damaged child (and adult). It's a lottery, and though some adoptions are happy and successful, as a member of an extended family with three adopted children in it, I have had a lot of contact with adoptive families and their children, and from my observations, there are more poor outcomes than good ones.

Whatever choice you make, I with you well.

We've done IVF for the last ten years bar the 2 years robbed due to covid. I can't remember how many full cycles we've done, ten? It is a number game sadly. We were going to either continue life childless, or going down adoption route. We are very happily married like you are. We contacted adoption agency but they told us we couldn't proceed unless we have given up on IVF. I had 3 frozen embryos at the time from my own eggs. All transfers failed.

In the end given I'm in my 40s we decided to stop using my own egg as its been ten long years where life revolved around IVF, and we used donor embryo instead. To my disbelief I am now pregnant. This is after DH told me he'd do whatever I wanted but I should know nothing would work.

Know that you're not alone and be open to other avenues if your heart allows it. Very best of luck.

I tried for 7 years to have a baby. I had lots of losses and we did 5 rounds of ivf. I completely lost myself during those years and ended up having a breakdown last year following a cycle. That was a turning point for me. I started antidepressants and therapy and took a break. We did a final collection and transfer in October last year, which failed. We still have 3 embryos on ice, but we won't be using them. Having had a break and genuinely focusing on myself, which I haven't done in so long, I realised I am OK with living a childfree life. It's been a long process but I'm more at peace with this decision and feel it is the right decision.
It doesn't mean we didn't want a baby hard enough, I nearly killed myself through grief and lost so many years, now is time to look ahead.

There's no right or wrong answer, but I don't regret the decision to stop and live my life x

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to have doubts at all OP. TTC is really hard, IVF is really hard, and it’s okay to decide that actually you don’t want to put yourselves through that- physically, mentally, financially.

I have a friend who had this mindset, she had always said they would try naturally until X age, then would try IVF for 2 rounds only- if it hadn’t worked by then she was prepared to accept it wasn’t for them, seek counselling and move on, they had their second unsuccessful cycle at the end of last year and are now done trying and she always says what a relief she felt in that moment. I think for lots of people having that agreed plan of “this is what I’m prepared to do and if that isn’t enough that I’m okay with that” is really helpful mentally. In a way being financially able to afford to continue is both a blessing (if you want to) and a curse because it means that unlike lots of couples who are forced to stop due to affordability, you don’t.

It’s absolutely okay to decide enough is enough x

Knowing where to draw the line is so hard. I was told 3 rounds were probably required to give it the best chance of success so I was prepared for that, if we'd been unsuccessful then I would have been happy to try donor eggs. I'm the kind of person that knowing I had tried my best would help me to make peace with the decision to stop trying.

I was lucky and IVF worked for me but if it hadn't it would have taken time for me to regroup and find a new dream and build a different life than the one I had previously imagined.

Only you can know if you're done. It might be worth having a break for a few months with IVF off the table and then discuss another round after you've had time to relax.

Are you under any time scale for making a decision? We reached a point where we took all fertility discussion/decisions completely off the table and off limits for 6 months. A lot of self reflection, thinking and breathing. It allowed us both to gain a lot of clarity without pressure.
Good luck whatever you decide-it will be the right decision for you.